Beautiful Explosions

Eighteen

It was like the cybership all over again. He looked as if he was going to collapse, his clothes were ruffled, his face pale. I wiped a final tear from my sodden cheek before reaching up to flatten the strands of hair that his hands had gone through so many times in fear and pain. I saw the hurt in his eyes, the thought of once agan losing someone he had tried so hard to save, someone he didn't want to let down, not again. I saw it all. 

"You see past all the walls people put up for ther emotions, Lils," my mum had choked out to me, when she once had her head rested on my chest. Dad had been gone a day. She was barely getting through. Despite her strength, I could see her suffering and loneliness.

"You haven't let me down," I whispered softly to the man in front of me, his shoulders slumped. Doubt flickered in his eyes. Guilt. Years of it. "It's like a never ending cycle, Lillian, I find people. I save them. They save me. They help me. I lose them," he told me, a hint of anger in his tone. Anger at himself. My mind considered for a moment. Why can I read people so easily? What is it? I wanted to try something. I touched my middle and index finger to the Doctor's forehead, and closed my eyes. There was again darkness. But then light, and voices.

"Raggedy man, goodbye...Please, just regenerate!...My lonely angel...See you tomorrow, Doctor..."

His voice pierced the echoes. "Stop! Lillian stop!" he was shouting. But I couldn't let go. "Okay fine, if you won't let go, I'll come to you!" he insisted.

"He'll live, he'll live, stop crying now, my darling..."

A scream erupted from my throat, and I let go instantly. It was that day all over again. Tom had been walking home from the shops. It was my birthday. He nearly died getting me a god damn cake. It was so stupid, so fast. If he'd been just an inch closer to the road, the blow would have been fatal. A drunk driver had almost killed my brother. I'd screamed, I'd hurt, but my mum was silent. I refused to leave the ward. I should have been the one getting the weak coffee from the machine, I should have been the one holding my mum's hand as her son was on the brink of life. But no. It ruined me. 

The memory faded, and all that was left was me, the Doctor and the soft sheets of the bed we were sat on. What i'd brought back to him, the stark reality of his life, and the way he'd lived it, had hit him hard. I wanted to apologise, take his hands in mine, but all he had was saddened rage. Then I knew. Forgetting was what helped him survive. The feeling of kindness and relief he felt when he saved people was dwarved by the loss. 

"I've lost so much! Trying to save people, it's what made me feel like a better person! But when they all come back, all at once, I can't cope, Lillian! Of all the people you could have tried your empathy on, why was it me? You KNOW the things that haunt me! You know why I can't sleep at night!" he was shouting. He was up from the bed, pacing the metallic floor. I didn't mind him directing his anger at me. I'd done it to him when he'd come back. I just sat, my gaze fixed on him. "I just try and make things right, and they go wrong! I hurt the people I love, and I love you!" I stopped gazing. I stopped considering. I processed his words in my brain, and made an informed decision. All in about a second. My lips crashed into his, and at first he tried to push me away, but then I felt his hand through my hair, another on my waist. Then my back was against the wall. He pulled away, and I smiled at him. I decided it would be a good idea to undo his bowtie and dramatically fling it across the room, but I failed. Massively. "Wow," I said, scowling. He undid himself, and dropped it in my hand. "Fling it, then," he grinned, so I did. Then were kissing again, and it was fantastic. No chance of being caught, just fireworks in my chest. Now came the awkward bit. My fingers fumbled with the buttons on his blouse, and it took me about a minute to undo them all. Wow. My hands had found their way to his bouffant, and we were both lost in the feeling...

We were in pieces, lying beside eachother under the sheets. Two broken people, with broken lives. "We should go do something. There's plenty of places to see, people to meet. The universe is endless," he told me. I took his hand in mine, and I saw what he saw. The stars, the galaxies, constellations, planets- everything. I let go. It looked beautiful. "Hm, I think I'd like to stay here for a while," I replied. 

 "Definitely," he laughed.

Hey guys, how're you doing? Sorry it's so short, it's a kind of filler chapter, with the first angry outburst from the Doctor. I wonder if it will happen again...