Twitter ∞ Dan Howell

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I stared at my ceiling, my phone untouched beside my bed. I was infinitely glad in that moment that Bess and I hadn't gone public with our relationship - it would have just made everything harder. It's been over two weeks and I was still feeling pretty rough about the whole thing. A ragged sigh pushed through my lips.

'How you doing in there?' Phil called out. I grunted in response, and he knocked once before splitting the door open slightly. His face peered in cautiously. 'I come with tea and biscuits,' he said.

I nodded for him to come in, so he propped open the door with his foot, carrying in two cups of tea and a couple of biscuits balanced carefully on his arm. Knowing Phil, he was about to trip and catapult two cups worth of hot tea and a few cheap biscuits onto my face, so I took the tea from him as he jumped onto the bed.

'Phil! Boiling hot tea!' I scolded, and Phil grinned sheepishly. I passed him back his cup wearily. 'But thanks.'

'How are you feeling?'

I shrugged, wrapping my hands around the steaming mug. 'Okay. Better than yesterday.'

'That's good. Yesterday wasn't so good.'

I gave a slight laugh, taking a sip. 'Yeah, not so good. But I'm a lot better today.'

Phil nodded, taking a sip of his own tea. 'Have you talked to Meg yet?'

Just at her name, all sorts of things twisted around inside me. I wanted to see her so bad - the last time we'd gone this long without seeing each other had been back when she was still in Australia. But I also knew I couldn't, not yet. I needed to heal over from Bess properly before I saw Meg again. I owed it to both of them.

'No,' I answered truthfully. 'Not yet. I don't know how long it will be.'

'Don't keep her waiting too long.'

'Yeah, I know,' I said, sighing. I turned the mug around in my hand slowly, the heat burning against my palms, but I hardly felt it. 'I just want to do this properly.'

'That's good,' Phil said, nudging his knee into mine. We were facing each other on the bed, cross-legged. 'I think you've figured it out. Finally.'

I laughed. 'Finally,' I said. I looked down at our legs, knees touching, facing each other. 'It took me a while. But I got there.'

'I'm glad you were with Bess, though,' Phil said, which made me look up, because I always thought he never cared much for her. 'I think you were happy. For a little while, at least. And I think it made you less scared.'

'Less scared?'

'Less scared to be with someone. I think Meg scares you.'

I frowned. 'Meg doesn't scare me.'

'Not her, specifically,' Phil explained. 'But the idea of being with her. Of letting yourself care that much about a person, and have them care that much about you.'

I stared at Phil. He never said things like this, at least not often. So when he did, it really did make you think. 'Maybe,' I admitted. Phil looked back to his tea, but I was still watching him. I reached across and patted his knee. 'Thanks, Phil. For everything.'

Phil's expression was warm. He nudged his mug against mine in a kind of cheers. 'To being best friends.'

I handed Phil a biscuit. 'To being best friends.'

It was weird being here. I think I'd pictured it differently. It had been so long since I'd been in college dorms - years. I felt too old for these halls.

The girl I'd bumped into had said Meg was in number six, which I was praying was true, seeing as I didn't want to walk into some random girl's room. I pulled up at her door, staring at the white wood. Knock, Dan. Just knock.

It had been a month now. I know, it seems like a long time - but I couldn't go back to her. Not too soon after Bess. I wasn't going to pull that kind of dick move.

I knocked.

It took a couple of silent, stilted seconds, but eventually the door sprung open. Meg stared up at me, all eyes, her hair around her shoulders. She blinked. 'Oh.'

'Can we go somewhere?'

Meg took a second, but she nodded. I thought she might smile, but she didn't. 'Okay. I'll just get my coat.'

We sat in a café by the river. She was opposite me, her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. Despite the warmth of the room, it steamed, curling through the afternoon light.

'So,' she said, looking up at me. Her hair was curlier than normal. Maybe she'd done something to it.

'So,' I said, a slight sigh in my voice. I relaxed my shoulders, ruffling my hair with one hand. 'I guess the first thing to say is sorry.'

'You've already apologised for everything stupid you've done. I don't know what you'd be apologising for.'

'Me either,' I admitted. 'But I'm just sorry. Again. For all the stupid things I've done.'

Meg nodded slowly, working at her jaw. She spun the coffee cup beneath her hands. 'Alright. Next.'

'Next. Next is that I like you. A lot. And I don't think I can just be friends with you anymore.' Meg was biting her lip, but in a kind of nervous, uncertain way. I reached my hands across, wrapping them around hers. She jumped a little at the contact. 'I know why you'd be reluctant to trust me again,' I said. 'I've screwed you over more times than you deserve to be screwed over. Which is none. And I promise I won't do it again.'

Meg gave a small intake of breath along with her nod, letting her head fall slightly, so she was looking at our hands. I felt her fingers tighten around mine. 'Okay,' she said, almost invisibly.

I peered forward hopefully. 'Okay?'

'Okay,' she said again, a little louder. She looked up, and her face was crammed with all sorts of emotions - she carried that fierce look she always did, but there was a kind of open, brittle honesty below it. Her eyes were open, bright. 'I'll trust you. But only once, Dan. No more screwing around. I don't think I can take it.'

'No, no more screwing around,' I gushed, squeezing her hands, bringing them closer to me. I grinned, and she fell into a reluctant smile. 'I promise. I'll be so good to you, Meg.'

'I know,' she said softly, her thumb brushing against the inners of my palm. 'I know.'

When we arrived back at her dorm that night, she wrapped her arms around me. She was warm, soft, and smelled like flowers and rain. She gave me the tiniest kiss against one side of my face, and then she was gone, the door shutting quietly behind her.

yay update !

also

20K?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME

HOLY JESUS ON A CHEESEWHEEL

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST

Honest to god never thought I'd get here, yet here I am. Thank you all so much x honestly makes my world

p.s. I just curled my entire head of hair into little tiny corkscrew curls and I feel like I should be wearing legwarmers and a high waisted leotard

Put on some INXS and madonna my friend I am ready to party like it's 1985