{{It started with whispers and comforting words, a rejection of reality, then turned into a deadly illness.}}
Hey, you
I see you're looking down
Don't worry, you can still get your crown
Let me help you, dear
I'll teach you there is nothing to fear
Don't tell anyone, this is between you and me
I just want you to do this and to finally see
how to live life dangerously
Sorry, did I let that slip? Pay no mind
I promise you won't be left behind
All you need is me; us against the world
Here is your first set of instructions, girl:
Skip breakfast, and shoot for no lunch as well
You know you feel better when you don't eat; hell,
Go the whole day with no food, in fact I dare you
Because, you see, I'm setting you up to fail
You know you could never live up to my standards
But hush, dear, I'm here
I promise you don't have to fear
For I will not abandon you
Now, for the next set of instructions to do:
Grab that razor blade you see
And drag it across your skin, see?
Hush, don't cry, you cannot let anyone know
The pain inside that you never ever show
Come now, darling, I know no one cares
But you know I am here for worse or for wear
Dry your eyes, plaster on that smile
Cover up your scars for a while
And force yourself that extra mile
You know my rules,
Forget what they teach in school
Forget the ones who used to care
Your place is here in the land of Zeros
Where an empty stomach makes you a hero
I promise I won't leave, love
You and me against the world, little dove.
---
I want to teach myself
That happy is not the sum
Of how much or little I just ate
I want to teach myself
That love is not given
Based on the size of jeans I fit into
I want to learn
To love myself
Regardless of what I do or don't eat
Regardless of how my appearance looks
Regardless of how I try to "discipline" myself
I want to tell my eating disorder
That it is no longer welcome.
---
Once, we smiled for the camera because we didn't want to hold back. Now we can't force the smile for fear of our chubby cheeks. Once, we regularly ate ice cream with happy hearts. Now we avoid it like the plague because we don't know if we could control ourselves. Once, we pouted because we couldn't find pants that weren't too large. Now we cry after we've just grown out of a pair of jeans we first wore 6 years ago. Once, we envied the girls with boobs and hips. Now we are terrified to become one of them. Once, we ate candy whenever we wanted. Now we can only think about the time we stopped after our sister told us we'd get a pot belly. Once... we would try not to fall asleep on the toilet because we weren't allowed to leave until we'd pooped. Now we are found lying on the bathroom floor after our bowels are violently emptied and our face is white as a sheet. Once, we ran because it felt good. Now we are afraid that we'll pass out again if we try . Once, we couldn't wait to go to school to learn and be with friends. Now we're missing five months at a time to be in treatment. Once, we dreamed of college and a career. Now we can't wait to be hospitalized for fear of a successful suicide attempt. Once, we screamed hysterically when dad had to get a splinter out of our skin. Now we readily turn to the razor to kill our sadness. Darling, when did we begin to lose that girl? How is it normal to force your food back up, How is it a success when you finally master it silently? How is it pleasant to live off of cereal and oatmeal? How is it okay to not be sure if you will wake up in the morning after a night of binging & purging & drinking & overdosing? When did going to the hospital to save your life become a routine? When did putting on shorts and finding cigarette burns you forgot you made the day before become insignificant? When did you start believing your demons over your angels? darling, how did those demons overpower you and drown out everything else? They told you if you were thin, then you'd be worthwhile. They told you your abuser was right about you. That you really always were stupid and worthless. Never good enough. They told you your sickness made you special. Convinced you that being thin and unique was worth dying for, That it was the only way to end the pain. Once you were a little girl, And we were not heard. Now we have been sick and broken, And now we are building ourselves back up after 8 years of pain. Now we are healing. We are trying.
{{Once I was sick and almost gave up. But I proved to myself I still had hope and sought help and action myself after realizing I couldn't do this by myself. Stay strong...}}
