Sober (Chris Brown Story)

Five

Danica

Why is he smiling?

I was nervous and completely confused as to why I called him. I should have continued to avoid him, but how can you avoid someone who constantly invades your dreams? Chris is like Freddy Krueger and I am his consistent victim. 

I cannot stand to look at him directly because his eyes are shining bright on me and he seems so happy to see me. Genuinely happy to see me, it makes my skin crawl. He sits across from me in the park and he looks at nothing but me as if mesmerized by my looks, but I know better. He doesn’t see me as a person, he sees me as a notch. I must remember that.

“It is to my understanding that you have some sort of interest in me, and although I have made it clear that there is so much wrong with me, you have yet to say that you will stop pursuing me.” I begin trying to figure out where I’m going with this, but today my mind isn’t working fast enough. It is moving slower than molasses today. I lick over my lips to wet them before I speak again, “I am not sure-” he holds his hand up as if signaling me to stop, and I do.

He prop his arms up on the picnic table and shakes his head. “Stop talking to me like you’re my lawyer and we’re trying to come to an agreement, talk to me like… Like you know me.” He says as an example. I frown at him as I try to function while staring at him. But it’s hard, so instead of saying what I had somewhat rehearsed in my mind, I said the first thing that came to it.

“That’s just it, I don’t know you, and you don’t need to know me…” My voice is nothing more than a wind whipping past us. He raises his eyebrow staring at me. His eyes ask me why in so many different languages, but I avoid the question. He doesn’t need to know how messed up I am. “But I want to know you.” He says skipping right to the point. My frown deepens, but something inside me jumps for joy. He wants to know you Danica! You! But the surface me cannot bear to be happy about it. I’m too afraid of the knowing. “Chris… I’m messed up ok? Not crazy serial killer messed up, but I’ve been hurt too much messed up. I don’t want to let you in.”

The little voice inside my head is screaming at me. She hates me for telling him this, and frankly, I hate myself too. I hate that I’m so afraid to let people in. I hate that I allowed these things to happen to me… “Then why am I here Danica? It sounds like you called me out here just to tell me you want nothing to do with me.” Now it is his turn to frown, as if I have hurt his feelings.

My eyes widen and I shake my head, “no, I called you out here because… I’ve tried not to think about you, what you said… All of it, but I can’t stop…” The words flow like vomit and I regret saying them because I wasn’t suppose to tell him that. Now he probably thinks I’m weird. Running my fingers through my hair I sigh. This isn’t how I wanted this to go.

“So what do you want?”

The question hits the air and I can only stare at him. Snow has started to fall and the sky has suddenly darkened to a gloomy gray. Chris eyes don’t give anything away. They don’t say what he’s thinking. What do I want? Because up until all of a week or so ago, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be alone, but now I wasn’t sure of anything. “I want to see all the possibilities without us getting too personal…” 

A questioning look takes control of his face and then he thinks long and hard about it. As if trying to register what I’ve just said. When he looks up again his eyes gleam with wicked intentions. He has figured out what I’m asking. 

He smirks, “so is it safe to say that if I want you now, I can have you?” Chris uses his foot to spread my legs open under the table and instantly I am shocked. My eyes bug out and my mouth is agape. His smile grows wider, “can I Danica?” I bite my lip not sure what to say. We are in a Park in the middle of winter with snow fluttering from the sky. We are in public. Public!