POISE//AMBW

10.

My eyes burned as I opened them. I squinted watching Hanuel breathe heavily. Gently pushing him off of my arm, I groaned at the pain he inflicted and tried stretching it out. My back cracked some and I ventured into the kitchen. I rubbed my eyes and checked the time on the clock of my oven. It was six o'clock in the evening. Me and Hanuel slept the whole entire day. I, then, decided that I didn't want anything, and came into the living room for more peace.

I decided to not make anything and I sat down on the couch to relax a bit. A past vision replayed before my eyes. Amara was acting so different and I couldn't explain the reason why. She doesn't look at me the same. She doesn't love me the same. But, why? Why has she left me empty hearted like a person who never experienced love? How come I see not the eyes of wonder and love, but the eyes of a deep dullness and hatred? When, exactly, did this all come to be?

My ears tuned in to listen to a stirring that came from the room. After a few minutes, a worn out baby boy came around the corner. I looked up from my phone and smiled at him as he made his way beside me.

"Hey, Hani. Did you have a good nap?" I cooed, stroking his dark black hair once he put his head on my lap. He yawned as a response and casually put his thumb in his mouth. The boy radiated innocence in his behavior.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." He whispered to me. I patted his back gently, lifting him up and putting him on my hip. We've gotten super close the last couple of months. He's always been the type to cling to his mother and abandon me. Occasionally, he would give me some form of attention. At first, it was because of my career, but now I have gotten my leniency than ever. Ever since the pay raise, I have been able to take off whenever I felt necessary. Often times, I would go a week without going to work. However, I always found a way to get whatever that needed to be done, done. I just needed to avoid Kim Lee.

I prepared Hanuel some food and let him eat. It's been a few weeks since I've listened to music in the house. Usually, Amara would wake up early on Sunday mornings and blare music. She'd slave away in the kitchen, baking pies and cookies---all types of assortments. Slowly, she'd make her way into the rest of the house to straighten up. I turned the volume up gradually, realizing the vacancy in the house. No more minor festivities. No more singing along to Korean and Western songs.

The extravagant tunes of Meet Him Among Them by Lee Sun Hee burst through the speakers. It was one of my favorites songs to sing. The song always vibrated through my veins and into my bloodstream and made me move to the sound. She sung of a sad story, of how she lost her significant other, how they drifted apart. Sort of like how me and Amara are coming about recently. The last line swifted in the air, my voice cracking as I sung with high intensity.

"Of all the people, we met...," my voice shook as I continued on, "but we parted ways..." I blinked away some tears that had formed in my eyes.

"Maybe we'll meet again someday, if we were meant to be..." Hanuel looked at me break down, but he showed no sign of comprehension as to why. But, I continued to sing, the radio now drowning out in my ears, and yet it was so loud. I grabbed my chest due to the immense pain that I was starting to feel. My chest was tightening up, tears still racing across the finish line.

"It'll be be a miracle." The song finally ended with a small whisper coming from myself. I was too weak, and I took pity on myself for being so awful towards Amara. I cheated on her, but here I am controlling when she went out and who she hung out with.

I peered up at the clock once more, not noticing that during the horrendous concert, I had slid down on the floor gripping my chest. My fingers would not loosen up; my breath still was not steadying. It felt like I was having a heart attack, or better yet, someone punched me in the throat and then coming to soccer kick me in the stomach. Everything was closing in on me fast; I could not breathe. I wheezed to get some precious air that I had taken for granted, but it seemed like nothing was pouring into my lungs.