AS YOU MELT THIS HEART OF STONE

MY RED BUTTERFLY

" You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much...

Pardon the way that I stare
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak...

You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you."

- Frankie Valli

------------------------

Lying awake on my bed late at night , staring at nothing in particular and thinking of a certain insufferable woman became quite a habit of mine these days.

Today was one of those days.

I returned home few hours ago after having a business dinner full of unwanted events all of which centered at the trouble magnet Charlotte Thorne.

Although I had to admit, this time it was not totally her fault. I am not a man to blame a woman for dressing in a certain way if some drunken leachers were incapable of keeping their hands to themselves.

And my reaction to her association with another man in her new office wasn't her fault either. She was in no way bound to me. She was by all means an unattached woman free to spend her time in any way she wants to with any man.

Then why were my jaws tightening and palms balling into fists at the thought of her spending time with another man?

"Because your mind is still a prisoner of that moment on the new year's Eve when she told you that she loved you."

"What! No! That's not..."

"Come on Rick. Don't lie to your own inner voice. Nothing in your mind is hidden from me."

"But... But I let her go. Didn't I? Didn't we agree on the matter that she was safe without me? Didn't we agree that it was the best thing to do? "

"Lad, don't drag me into this. If you have forgotten, I am helping you remember. It was you who thought it was right decision to push her away from your life. I didn't agree with you. Your inner self didn't agree with you. You did it against your own will."

"But it was for the good. I had to be rational. She is now safe and happy in her new position. She has even found a.....friend there."

My inner one looked at me for a whole minute as if I were the fool of the century before muttering, "Either you are actually an idiot or your favourite hobby is lying to yourself."

"What the hell are you..."

"Don't you see Rickard, how much she misses you? Didn't you see the look on her face before she went inside her apartment? Didn't you feel the magnitude of longing and sadness her whole body was radiating? How can you be so blind, Rick! "

"I...."

I didn't know how to defend myself against this accusation, because deep down I knew my inner voice was right as always.

No, I wasn't blind. I saw the sorrow in her eyes when we parted tonight and it broke my heart in pieces to turn the car and drive home leaving her behind. For a moment I really wished to give in to my irrational self, but life long experience with inner battle already determined my action - I left her, I had to leave her.

Our interactions in the car worsened the situation for me. Her every action screamed that she didn't forget me. She didn't forget about her infatuation or whatever she felt for me prior to her transfer to the seventh branch. She was still as affected by me as I was by her.