The Fourth Side of the Triangle

Chapter 15.

“I couldn’t do that to you,” Amy all but wails, “because I love you, and you’re his daddy, and he needs you, we both need you. I need you, we... I... Ollie please...”

But Oliver has gone, taken off down the street leaving Amabelle shouting behind him.

What he will never to admit to himself is that he has had his suspicions for a while now. The baby’s tufts of mousey blonde hair, the blue eyes, the toothy grin from such a young age... he is a young version of his unconscious friend. He hadn’t said anything, not wanting to believe it himself. The worst part is that this feeling flowing through him isn’t even anger... he doesn’t feel anything. It is like a numb kind of acceptance, if one could call it acceptance. He doesn’t know what to feel. Everything is wrong and nothing... nothing will ever be the same.

Days turn into weeks and he can’t bring himself to look in the mirror; his reflection sickens him. He is abusing his body in ways he has never done before; his legs can barely support him and his hands shake so violently that he is unable to carry out even the simplest tasks. He can’t look at his son and can only bury his head in his hands as the cries for attention echo throughout the flat. Amy has given up trying to speak to him. She retreats into herself, leaving Becca to frequently be there for Josh. Some days, she doesn’t even get up and Oliver doesn’t go to bed. With everyday that the machines continue to emit their steady sound around James’ deathly form, who is showing no sign of ever waking up again or that Josh cries out for his Mummy and Daddy, things seem to get steadily worse.

“The depression is back, Oliver,” Becca tells him one day, “it’s bad. Especially with Josh.”

Oliver just nods, the familiar feeling of numb acceptance creeping over him. Well what do I have?! He screams in his head. Or so he thinks. He only realises he has spoken out loud when Becca says,

“You know what you have Oliver. You know how you can fix your problem, but you won’t.” And walks away, never looks back.

He stares after her, wondering what on earth she could mean.

It is a relief to start filming again; for the first week. Eventually, David snaps and shouts at the young actor until he is purple in the face, eyes bulging, breathing heavy and he can shout no more. Then filming is even worse than reality. David watches him eat and Oliver feels sicker than he has done in his whole life. As soon as David has left him, he gives into his impulses and brings up everything that he has just eaten. He arrives on set rasping and red eyed, his fellow cast mates looking at him in alarm.

Jonathan tries to talk some sense into him, but it doesn’t help. Oliver simply tells him that he respects his views, but he is ‘really very well.’

Jonathan feels helpless.

This becomes his routine;

Breakfast, under close scrutiny of David, filming with a snack in between then lunch, filming followed by dinner then a quick snack and finally, bed. Oliver doesn’t know how long he can bare it- it is making him feel weaker than before and his throat feels like someone has got a cheese grater and has run it very slowly up his throat.

The crew can’t understand why he isn’t putting on any weight. They have been forcing calories down his throat, so he should have gained some. What they don’t know, is that it is too late to start forcing Oliver to eat- it all comes back up within five minutes of consumption.

As soon as filming is finished for good, he leaves. He doesn’t even say goodbye to the people he has considered his closest friends for the past four or five years. He says absolutely nothing to nobody and packs up his bags and runs. He finds refuge at his mother’s house in Ireland; she holds him on his arrival and it is impossible to say who is crying more. He sobs apologies into her shirt, and she soothes him, something that she has missed doing. She isn’t angry with him or Amy for that matter. Josh will always be her Grandson, no matter what. She is crying for the broken shell of a man she once knew and loved- the one she is holding in her arms.

He stays with his parents for months. Oscar comes over more than once and each time he leaves, he shakes his head at his mother. Oliver is not putting on any weight, but he has lost too much. He rarely moves from the sofa and gets ill from the draft that is constantly passing through the old country house. His mother and father don’t know what to do.

“Why are you doing this baby?” she has asked more than once.

“Because it makes me... because... when I’m hungry... it reminds me that I am capable of feeling.” By this point, Oliver is too weak to lift his head, his eyes bloodshot and sunken. 

“You’re going to die,” his mothers tells him, “you will die.”

“I know.” Oliver replies.

And Oliver does know. Which is why he even he feels a feeling of pure relief when Becca arrives; this in itself comforts him. To know that people still care about him and to know that he can feel something other than hunger- relief and love.

-x-

Becca admits him to hospital, where he stays, happily. He doesn’t ask after Amy, or his son. He wants to see them with his own eyes, when he is better.

He comes to realise that he will be forever grateful to Becca. She has made him realise that everyone deserves another chance at life. He has told her this, but she waves her hand dismissively when he tries to thank her.

He makes friends in the ward- an eighteen year old girl named Florence becomes a regular companion. She fills him in on how things work. He gets consistent visits from Gabbie as well. She looks upset when she realises that she hasn’t helped, but agrees to try again.

“Thank you,” he says, “I’m sure I don’t deserve this many chances.”

“Oliver,” Florence chastises as she hears this, “everyone deserves as many chances as it takes until they get things right. This is my second time here. But I know I’ll get it right one day.”

He vows, that when he gets out of hospital, he will send Florence a bunch of flowers every week.