Realize Your Potential (H.S)

Chapter Forty-Three

At first, I still can't bring myself to read it. I just keep staring at the first line of the book as I reread the comment that Styles felt the need to leave after only reading four words. He has drawn an arrow to the word queer and written in the margin, "A descriptive word that really needs to be used more often."

The comment makes me chuckle, but it also leaves me reluctant to read even the next line of the book because I know more of his notes are still to come.

When I had first opened Styles' gift I had felt a wave of excitement and curiosity as I held what could be the key to his inner thoughts. Like I could somehow learn everything about him just by flipping through these pages and studying the single words or quick phrases he has provided. However, although my curiosity is still strong, I find that my excitement has subsided a little. It has now been replaced with uncertainty as I continue to wonder what I will find out about Styles within these pages. In reality, there's probably nothing to fear, but maybe I'm not ready to find out so many things at once. Maybe I'm not ready to see the comments he has made about the main character's attempted suicide because I hate thinking about the fact that Styles once felt so helpless that he almost took his own life. I had been too afraid to ask him if he had ever attempted anything since then because if the answer had been yes then I'm not sure if I could handle it. What if he still felt that way now?

The thought makes me wish that Styles was still laying next to me so that I could lean over and hug him; a physical act that we had never taken part of. I wanted to hug him, and I knew if I did, I may never stop.

I end up just closing the book and placing it back on the pillow, leaving the sticky note on the cover and everything. I run my fingers over the front of it and the nod to myself.

Someday. When I'm ready.

~

The next two days of rehearsal fly by.

Styles finally joins us again and Daniel nearly passes out due to pure relief when he sees Styles pass through the door. For a moment I think he might start yelling at Styles right in front of the entire cast. However, he doesn't show even a sliver of disapproval as he gives Styles a pat on the back and welcomes him back.

Then, due to Styles' long absence, we spend most of the weekend running his songs and making sure his solos are just as polished as before. And of course, they are. They're perfect.

I almost think that Daniel is going to have Styles and myself run 'Dead Girl Walking' in front of anyone since we haven't touched it in a little while, but he tells us that he'll make sure we work on it as soon as we come back from break. I decide that's probably for the best, especially because Liam won't even really look at me anyway.

Ever since I greeted him on Saturday when I walked into the theatre, he has been slightly distant. His smile doesn't seem to touch his eyes and his voice even sounds far away. It's not like him, but before I can get the chance to ask him if anything is wrong, we're interrupted by Gideon telling the band to prepare for 'Big Fun.'

I plan to talk with him after rehearsal on Sunday, but as soon as I walk up to him he tells me that he has somewhere important to be right away. So he gives me a kiss on the cheek and then he's running out the door, the bag for his bass guitar bouncing against his back.

Even Nat is confused by his strange behavior as she walks up to me and says, "Must have been something pretty important."

However, I'm not sure if it was important at all or if he was just trying to dodge me.

~

The first two days of Spring Break I manage to come down with some sort of chest cold, which leaves me bed ridden and catching up on my favorite shows via Netflix. However, by the end of Tuesday I'm feeling much better, but am suffering from severe boredom due to my lack of contact to the outside world.