A New Woman

9: How do we fix all of this?

Most people freeze when they come face to face with fear. Like a dear caught in the headlights. In this moment Beyoncé was acting as most people acted, she just stared at him and let her eyes trace over him. It felt so strange to see him again after all this time, it didn't feel like she was looking at someone she once loved but instead she was looking at a figment of her imagination. That was what he had become, an imaginary friend for her when she was at her lowest. Beyoncé knew that it was late and that he must have been driving for a while because he looked tired and worn out but he stood in front of her proudly and as hansom as the day they met. So, of course, she did what anyone would do in a situation like this and slammed the door shut in his face. She nodded her head and looked at the door not hearing any movement on the other side, 

"Fuck off, Carter!" She yelled to him. She turned from the door and began walking away to go to bed not really giving a damn about where he went or what he did with the rest of his night. She wouldn't allow herself to be treated the way he treated her, what self respecting woman would do that to  themselves? He cheated on her. Simple. There was no excuse for it and she had no reason to forgive him or let him stroll back into her life after he played her the way he had. She wasn't going to let him in to 'talk' and she wasn't going to listen to any of the shit he had to say because nothing he could do would change how she felt about him. Nothing. 

"Beyoncé!" His soft voice called from behind the closed door. She paused and closed her eyes angry at herself for even bothering to stop. "Please! I just want to talk. I-I'm changing, I'll do anything for you and you know that so please don't leave me out here because I promise I'll stay here until you open the door. You know I would" She laughed to herself just a little, knowing that he probably would sleep out there for the next two weeks if it meant she'd forgive him. She turned her head around and looked at the door over her shoulder. 

"I couldn't possibly leave him out there" She whispered to herself, "Then again, he does deserve it" she began strolling over to the door casually, "but he's Carter" she argued, "But he's a lying, cheating, bastard" she placed her hand on the door knob, "But he's-" She cut herself off not wanting to say it but as she began to open the door she whispered the last word to herself, "Mine." In this moment, a fraction of a second, she realised that she had never been so angry at herself as she was now. She was angry for letting herself get weak at the sound of his voice, she was angry at herself for falling into his stupid little act and she sure as hell wanted to break something...but she couldn't deny herself the one thing she loved-and hated-the most...him. 

"Can I come in?" He asked her with those big brown eyes.  She looked around at the apartment behind her and then let her eyes fall on the clock on the wall

"It's late" She told him as she pulled the door open wider and let him walk into her home, "I'm only letting you in because it's a bad neighbourhood and you shouldn't be out late" She lied, this neighbourhood had almost no crime at all. "Sleep on the couch, we'll talk in the morning if I let you live". She seemed so nonchalant when she spoke to him, as if he were just a random person off the street who she was letting stay in her home and that made him hurt far more than he admitted to himself. 

"Thank you" Carter followed her into the living room where she pointed to the couch and tucked some of her hair behind her ears. As she did this he looked at the small tattoo on her wrist and remembered how different she really was. The old Beyoncé liked tattoos but she'd never get one because she was scared of the pain and she didn't have a very high physical pain tolerance at all. But, as he knew full well, things change when you're in prison for a year and a half. 

"I'll get you a pillow and a duvet" She didn't make eye contact with him at all. Instead she looked around the room making him feel inferior until she walked out and grabbed the things to give to him. As she did so, she realised that she only really had one duvet and that was on her bed so she took it off and decided to give it to him.  She'd just use the blanket or something. She knew Carter well, so she knew that he got cold so easily during the night and if he used a measly little blanket he'd never get any sleep at all. As she handed him the things he tanked her, again, but before he got the chance to even talk to her at all she left him in the living room and walked to her own room. Inside her room she took a moment to breath and gather her thoughts. What was she doing? She let him in, she let him sleep on the couch. Why? She didn't need to show him any kindness at all, she should have broken his arm or something like the last guy that came near her. She should have punched him in the face right there and then closed the door and gone to bed. She should have grabbed her keys and sliced him across the face. She could do it right now, there was nothing stopping her at all. She sighed and walked over to her bed while shaking her head. What was the point in any of that? It wouldn't make anything better, punishing him wouldn't change the fact that he had broken her heart. Hurting him would change anything.