Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 100

Then again I barely had any faith in him.

I don't even know why I'm wasting my energy to linger on the details. It's no use. We both fucked it up. Harry royally fucked it but I was right there with him throwing logs on the fire.

At the end of the day, Harry and I are just as bad as each other. It's a miracle we've lasted this long without blowing up the way we did today.

Again, that doesn't matter anymore.

Now here I am walking down his hallway in the middle of the night, my journal and a large bottle of wine in my hands, ready to just dump it all on him. At this point I don't care how I tell him, I'll yell it through the door if I have to and give his neighbors a little show in the process. It might not be the best way to do it but these are desperate times and you know what they say about desperate times.

I just hope I'm not too late.

If only I had this philosophy back at Liam's.

If only instead of lashing out at Harry I had yelled that I loved him? Would he have believed me? Would he have scooped me up and kissed me? Would he have been relieved? Or would he have been disappointed? Would he have walked away?

All previous experiences point to the final option being the most plausible outcome but in the state I'm in I'd prefer the one where he kisses me. He'd stride across the room and wrap me up in his arms and we'd make out to the point where poor Liam got uncomfortable.

Yeah that would be the perfect scenario.

In the end, with Harry and my joint stupidity and stubbornness, we chose to go with the very worst option, yelling like children and ultimately breaking up.

Once I got back home it took longer than I had expected to build up the courage to actually make the walk over here, no matter how determined I sound.

I know right, here I am my relationship in tatters and I'm taking my goddam time.

After Liam dropped me off I had every intention of grabbing my things and going straight to Harry's. Then I stopped and I let my fucking mind take over.

This gnawing, painful, pang of fear gripped my throat and my heart and stopped me dead in my tracks.

It wasn't that I was backing away from my mission but the fear... it was suddenly too much. I just sat down at my desk and mindlessly stared out into the dark night.

Then, before I knew it, I had been sitting at my desk trying to work myself up and hours had passed by. It wasn't until Liam called, probably just checking in on me, that I was pulled out of my fear induced comatose state.

I didn't answer the phone. Whatever Liam has to say can wait till tomorrow.

So I sat a little more, picking at my fingers until I mentally kicked myself out of my chair.

Pathetic and selfish, I know, but I had to work myself up to finally seeing Harry. And that leaves me here walking through his building and I'm still working myself up.

You can do this.

Just go up to his door, give him the journal, and then you can walk him through it.

He'll listen, it's Harry.

It'll be a shit way to end his birthday but this whole day has been shit. At least this is what he wants.

You'll get him back... well at the least you'll have your friend back... it's okay...

Just breathe, go to the door and tell him.