Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 74

Harry

I hate myself and to top it all off my head is fucking pounding.

Right now I really just despise myself. How can I not after how I've been acting?

Things were so good and then in one fell swoop my nan died, I blew up on my girlfriend, and now I'm not even sure if we're still together.

Certainly doesn't seem so.

If Emma blamed me for what I accused her of last night I'd have a hard time looking past it. It would destroy me.

I would feel terrible that she thought of me in such a way. Oh god! Emma better not have believed me.

Well you didn't leave room for her to believe anything else idiot.

I'm a prick and everyone knows it now.

Yesterday, after storming out on my girl, I called Liam.

I don't even know why I called. I just was furious and sad it just happened.

At the time my brain wasn't even functioning, my mouth just ran off without me. I can hardly believe it. And to say something so cruel of all things? I knew Emma would show up there, well I hoped she would, and I just wanted my hurt to go away so badly that I hurt her to try and make myself feel better.

It didn't work.

Emma Parker is the only one I wanted, fuck I still want her, I need her.

Last night she didn't stop calling or texting me for the longest time but I didn't dare answer her. I wasn't in any shape to be yelled at and broken up with.

When I arrived in London I didn't even remember the drive there.

One moment I was leaving Oxford and the next I was pulling up to my parent's house. I was moving in a total haze, I only remember hugging my mum before I retreated to my room.

Laying in bed all alone, all I could think about was how badly I wished Em was with me but she wouldn't come even if I asked even if I hadn't treated her the way I did. She still won't let me tell mum about our relationship...well I guess with what I did it's better that I never got round to telling mum.

I couldn't sleep all night.

My brain was consumed with thoughts of her. Of Em's face when I blamed her for what happened. Hurling attacks at her over and over in a way I knew would really hurt. It got even worse when I saw her react to me when I broke her vase. Emma looked terrified of me in that moment and all I wanted to do was burying my face in her neck to sooth us both but I couldn't.

I never ever wanted her to look at me like that let alone be the reason for it.

I the worst part of yesterday was that she just took it.

All of it.

Every slight, every gab, she just took it, over and over. And then after everything I said, after how I acted she called and texted me, begging me to just answer her. Let her know I was at least alright. I sent back nothing. After awhile it all stopped though and I was stuck laying on top of my bed staring at my fucking ceiling, totally alone.

The only thing that made me feel fractionally better was the image of my girl curled up safe in bed back at school.

I'm never gonna be curled up next to her like that again, am I?

I ruined that too.

Consumed with anguish I peeled myself out of bed, trying to stay as quiet as possible as to not wake up the whole house, and grabbed the first bottle of liquor I saw and ended up at Louis' flat.