Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 68

Harry

I woke up to her screaming this morning.

That high pitch earthshaking cry that cuts right through you when you're either gleefully happy or hopelessly scared.

It made my heart sink.

Like I couldn't' breathe. I've never been in a position where my life is so adequately intertwined with anothers and it scares the shit out of me but I wouldn't have it any other way.

She's the love of my life. Em hurts, I hurt but still...

In the moments of silence that followed I briefly forgot about how shitty last night turned out and I reached out for her, like I always do. It's become second nature at this point.

But this morning Em wasn't lying next to me as I have grown accustomed to but I shouldn't have expected anything different. Then I heard her a second time. It was a more muffled sound but it was still her and in my sleepy state it still didn't quite click in my mind as I would have liked but I can't change that now.

Contrary to what she might have thought I wasn't asleep when she finished up in the bathroom or when she got out of bed in the middle of the night. I even heard her laugh at one point and that joyous sound, that utterance that normally brings such joy to my life, didn't. Someone else was making her feel better when it should have been me but I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by my own lingering fear after leaving the hospital, the uncertainty as to why Em refuses to open up to me, and the shame that I feel in myself given the way I was treating her.

I was so humiliated with myself for what I let happen. You might think it's obscure but it's my job to protect her and I didn't. She hurt her shoulder, again apparently, and I treated the whole situation badly.

Last night I was just acting like a total dick and now I feel even worse than I did 12 hours ago.

Scream number three.

Well hearing her scream this morning sobered me up instantly and suddenly anything I was feeling didn't matter.

It snapped me back into reality, finally realizing the familiarity of that sound but by the time I've scrambled out of bed to comfort her she had already woken up. My beautiful girl was sitting up straight on the couch, visibly exhausted, her head in her hands subtly shaking in her place on the couch.

This kind of moment doesn't come often so I took a moment to just look at her while she still didn't know I was there. Her skin sparkled in the sunlight reflecting the thin layer of sweat revealing how intense her dream was.

Em was still beautiful, she always will be no matter what she wears, but she looked so tired and sad in that moment, it cracked my heart in two that I wasn't there, again, to hold her, protect her, comfort her.

To the best of my knowledge she hasn't had a bad dream like this since we got together, not since the first one a few months ago, so that's something.

That first morning is still so vivid in my mind.

She scared the shit out of me. I was beside myself then and I'm beside myself now. It's infuriating being so helpless. I didn't and I still don't know what I can do to help her through it. As her boyfriend and her best friend I want to but she won't tell me what they are about.

Emma won't tell me anything really.

M'guessing now would be a bad time to hash that all out with her though.

I just feel so guilty about everything.

Last night was supposed to be perfect. Sure I didn't plan to tell her I love her but still, it happened and the rest of the night was supposed to turn out better than it did.