𝕹𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖓

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I LEAN my sore back against the shelves. In these past few dormant days, I haven't been feeling like myself. The lot tried, many times, to interact with me except I rather just be left alone.

I stuff my head in my hands, frustrated. Why haven't I entered the parallel universe in so long? Why have the blackouts stopped all of a sudden? Why when it is now that I need them the most? If..if I could see her face once more... Just one more time.

When I walked around Monty's the first night we got here, it was a mess. Half-filled trolleys, random plush toys here and there, blood trails, shelves toppled over, flickering lights, etc. Amber and the rest cleared it out so they could make it feel like 'home'.

Pathetic if you ask me.

Home is gone. Gone like Mum. Gone like Ella. Gone like Ms Mills. Like Samuel Jay. Like Coach. They were home. They made up Nashville. And now Nashville has gone to shit, so has my life, so has everyone else around me!

I used to think in, not black and white, but silver and grey. The moment colour seeped into those thoughts, I lost the entire spectrum. Now I'm nothing. Can nothingness be a colour?

"We made pizza this time."

I don't bother to look up, still silent from my screaming thoughts.

Amber sighs, "I'll leave it for you here if you get hungry," she crouches, placing the plate of food next to me. "Dean, why not come eat with us this time? It's a lot better than being out here alone... It's warm and it's-"

"Not with him there."

Don't need to look at her to know that she's rolling her eyes. "It hasn't been easy for Jace. He misses her too."

"And you think it's been easy for me..!?" I look her directly in the eyes.

She suppresses a groan, "I didn't say that."

I don't reply.

"It's like stepping on eggshells with you, Dean, I'm sick of it! I'm hurting too, you know?! But am I'm gonna fucking sit around and mope all day? No!"

I scoff, pissed. She doesn't get it. No one gets it.

"Look," she throws her hands up in the air, "you're welcome to join us or not - up to you." Amber turns on her heel, walking away.

I clench my jaw, blinking hard. "Wait."

She pauses.

"Sit with me?" I ask. "Please?"

Amber nods. She comes over and pulls her knees up next to me. Quite.

"I shoulda told you about Mum," I confess. "I'm sorry that I didn't."

"Don't worry about it," she tells me. "I guess I know why you didn't."

"I can't anymore...you know? I can't do this anymore." I look up to the ceiling, letting the fluorescent light seep into my stinging eyes.

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