FULL LOCKDOWN (Book #1)

𝕹𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖓

Days have gone by... I lean my sore back against the shelves. I haven't been feeling like myself lately. The lot tried many times to interact with me but I rather just be left alone. It's all my fault. I stuff my head in my hands, regretful and frustrated. Why haven't I entered the parallel universe in so long? Why have the blackouts stopped all of a sudden? Why when it is now that I need to be away the most? If I could just see her face one more time, just one more time, maybe then I'd be okay.

The supermarket was a mess on the first day. The lot cleaned the mess to make it feel more like 'home'. Pathetic if you ask me. Home is gone. Gone like Ella. Gone like Mum. Gone like Coach. Ms Mills. Like Samuel Jay. They were home. They made up this suburb. And now this suburb has gone to shit, so has my life. I used to think, not in black and white, but in silver and grey. The moment colour seeped into those thoughts, I lost the entire spectrum. Now I'm nothing. Can nothingness be a colour?

"We made pizza this time," Amber stands in front of me.

I don't bother to look up, still silent from my screaming thoughts.

She sighs, "I'll leave it for you here if you get hungry," and puts down a plate in front of me. "Dean, why not come eat with us this time? It's a lot better than being out here alone. It's warm and it's-"

"Not with him there," I mutter.

"It hasn't been easy for Jace. He misses her too. He blames himself more than you think."

"And you think it's been easy for me!?" I spit out.

"I didn't say that."

I don't reply.

"Jesus, it's like stepping on eggshells with you, Dean, I'm over it! I'm hurting too, you know?! About Mum and all, now my best friend. But am I'm gonna fucking sit around and mope all day? No!"

She doesn't get it. No one gets it.

"Look," she throws her hands up in the air, "you're welcome to join us or not – up to you but I'm done trying," she turns on her heel.

I clench my jaw, blinking hard, "wait."

Amber pauses.

"Sit with me?" I ask. "Please?"

"Of course," she sits down and pulls her knees up.

"...I shoulda told you about Mum," I confess. "I'm sorry that I didn't."

"Don't worry about it," she replies. "I guess, I know why you didn't."

"I can't anymore, y'know? I can't do this anymore," I look up to the ceiling, letting the fluorescent light seep into my stinging eyes.

"I know," Amber intertwines her fingers between mine. "But we can't lose hope. We still have Dad and that's enough hope for us right now."

"The last thing either of them said to me," I recall from the phone call, "was that they loved us."

Amber's grip on my hand weakens a lil.

Then a single firework worth of pain shoots right through my temple like a missile. "Ahh, fuck!" I press my palm onto my eyebrow.

"What's wrong?" Amber lifts her head. "Are you okay?"

"My head. Haven't gotten a migraine in a while and now it's back again."

"Hold on," she stands up, "there should be some Nurofen in one of these aisles."

I nod between blinks, my vision registering huge blurry bokehs. I look down the aisle, Amber's figure turns into a black blob, and soon after, so does everything else.

❖

Headaches. That's how I get here. Whenever I get a headache, I jump into this universe – the perfectly mundane one. Without it, I'll just fall asleep which was what was happening these past couple of days. I'm lying in bed right now. I get up, my clothes are all damp. I've been sweating excessively again. Cold sweats every single time. I should really shower but I haven't got the time for that. I don't know when I'm gonna jump back.

I just change into some fresh clothes and sweep my greasy brown hair back. It's so greasy that it stays in that position and no strands fall above my eyes like it always does. Checking my phone, it's 8:45 AM, Friday morning. Great, I'm late for school. I grab a cap and run down the stairs.

"Late, are you?" Mum asks rhetorically from the kitchen. "So is your sister."

Crap. Forgot to wake that shithead up.

"Uh yeah, sorry Mum, slept through my alarms."

I head for the door, placing the cap backwards on my head.

"Yeah nah, sit down," Mum sets aside her coffee mug and puts the stove on. "I'm making pancakes."

"Mum, it's fine," I sigh. "You don't have to-"

"Sit," she insists. "I want to."

"Alright."

I pull the wooden stool back from the mahogany dinner table and sit down. My mum has a night shift today at the hospital. She usually sleeps in on work days but I guess today is one of those rare occasions.

"Mum," I pick at my fingernails whilst she pours batter onto the pan, "do you believe in a 'another life'?"

"What's that?" she turns around halfway, a spatula in hand.

"'Another life', like-"

"Hold on, baby," she cuts me off. "Amber get your behind down here right now! You're late for school!" and she nods for me to carry on.

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is, like another reality. Can a person live one life in one reality and another in another reality? Is it possible? Can it be possible?"

"Of course," she flips the pancakes over, grinning. "I love imagining that my other self in some other dimension is out there sipping on a martini on a Fijian beach."

"Not 'other self', just one person, oneself. The same person being aware of both dimensions."

"Honey," Mum looks at me with a funny expression, "I'm afraid I'm not quite understanding you."

"Mum," I urge, "just give me something? Anything?"

"Hmm, let's see..." she entertains the idea. "There are mental illnesses that can affect a person like that – schizoaffective disorders, delusional disorders, psychosis, DID from exceedingly traumatic experiences, etc, etc. There are a lot of possibilities really, Dean. Why do you ask? Is it for a class project or something?"

"Do you think I have one of those conditions?"

"Definitely not, Dean. Don't be absurd."

I sigh exasperatedly, tossing my cap on the table and rubbing my face roughly.

"Hun," she hands me over my plate, "you okay? Is there something you need to talk about?"

This is what I need to talk about.

"No, forget I said anything," I stare at the homemade wonky pancakes.

Mum places her hand on my shoulder, sitting down next to me. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go for help. I don't know why any of this is happening to me. As far as I know, I don't know anything. Just... What would happen to me if I died in one reality? Will that reality cease to exist? Or will that be the end of me altogether? I mean, I can't possibly tell someone, 'hey, I'm living in a zombie apocalyptic world,' or 'hey, I loved you and then you died'.

Except, that's exactly what I do.