Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Twenty-Two

     Not that Garth would ever be something he wasn't.

     Sure enough, there he was, legs dangling off the edge of the merry-go-round again, eyes trained skyward. For a moment I remained motionless, just taking him in for a moment.

     Since that day, almost a week ago, we hadn't really talked all that much. Garth seemed to have no interest in talking to me, and there was only so long I could bang my head against a brick wall before I gave up. He made it clear that he wanted some space. I couldn't really understand why though. The more I thought about it, the more it brought a pulsing, shooting pain to my head.

     But now I had him; backed into a corner with no chance to escape. If he needed room to breathe, then that was fine. All I wanted was an answer to how one day he was hot, and the next day he was cold.

     Taking a few tentative steps forward, I reached out for one of the bars of the round platform. Almost instantly, his eyes caught mine, and then again, almost instantly, his eyes fleeted away with a small roll. With one foot on, and one foot off, I push against the ground, causing the platform to spin. It was enough force to keep us going for a few moments, and in that time neither of us uttered a word nor sound to each other.

     It was only when the merry-go-round was coming to a cease, that I looked back at him.

     "You can't ignore me forever you know," I said, hoping that these words would be enough to lull him from whatever mood he was in.

     His eyes remained fixed at a point in the sky, but it became abundantly clear that he at least heard me. Shifting his body slightly, he rested his arms behind his head, providing a small cushion of comfort.

     "Who says I am?" he responded after a few moments of silence. Now his eyes trained themselves to me, and I could see in the hues, a glint of something. His entire body was totally dismissive, wanting this conversation to be over as quickly as possible.

     The words mulled through my head for a moment, with my foot once again planting itself in and pushing off, sending us spinning. "Isn't it obvious Garth?" The words fell from my mouth in almost a hushed whisper. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him right now. "One day your laughing and joking with me, and the next day you just decide to freeze me out," I responded, keeping my eyes trained forward. His eyes were boring into the back of my skull, and I wished so much that he would just stop looking at me. "If you've got a problem with me, I really wish you'd say something."

     "I don't have a problem with you..."

     The air is stiff, and quiet. For a moment, it looked like he was about to get up, but he just adjusts himself so he can look further back and see me. My eyes make the long journey to meet his own, a sheepish smile planting itself on my face for just a moment before disappearing once again.

     I want things to be okay, but it's clear he's hiding something from me. As much as I know I don't have the right to ask him what he is hiding, it's this thing that's making me agitated. There's an anger in me, and it's brewing and I'm trying so damn hard just to push it all back down again. But no matter how much I try to fight it, it continues to bubble away, making me something that I really don't want to be.

     "Why do you do that?" I ask.

     "Do what?"

     "Act all dismissive when I'm trying to talk to you." The words come out a little barbed and jaded. "You talk down to me like I could never really understand your problems."

     "Who say's I've got pro-"

     "We've all got problems Garth," I cut in, resisting the urge to call him an idiot. My face crumples under the stress of wanting to lose it right now. I get that he has things he doesn't want to talk about, but that didn't give him a right to cut people out who were trying to help. "The only difference between other people's problems and yours is that other people can actually be honest and open about their shit. Other people admit that there are problems to fix."

     "Not sure you got the memo," he said, starting to sit up, "but I am not like most other people."

     "Don't I know it."

     These were words that seemed to buck the tide of the conversation. Before I even had the chance to do anything else, he snapped right back towards me, glaring with a look of rage in his eyes. I could tell that maybe I'd pissed him off, but right now I didn't really care. If he wanted to hate me, that was fine; it wasn't like he was giving me anything but animosity right now.

     "You don't get to do that," he said, standing, and turning to face me. The platform almost came to a halt immediately. "You don't get to treat me like the rest of the mouth-breathing assholes in this town," he continued, pointing a finger at me. With every syllable that left his lips, his cheeks seemed to turn more violently red. But at the same time, you could tell that he was still holding back, on the verge of losing himself but too scared to show himself to the real world in fear of what they might make of him.

     It was enough to throw me off balance for a second. I'd never seen him like this. I'd seen him afraid, and happy, and sad, and complacent. But I've never seen Garth get angry.

     His anger was enough to cause a lull in everything. The space between us felt like infinity in that moment, but I could still make out the features on his face; dark, sullen, and a tad aggressive. Neither of us made any sudden movements, expecting the other to go first. The only real sound flowing was the rustling of the wind, and the faint sound of breath leaving Garth's flared nostrils.

     Taking my cue, I stepped off the merry-go-round onto stable solid ground.

     "Talk to me Garth," I tried. "Be pissed at me. Throw punches at me. Kick me in the shins. I don't care. But please, just fucking talk to me like a human being."

     Garth stood expectant, as if waiting for the next words to come to him. But eventually after a while he realized that there was nothing for him here right now. There was nothing I could offer him and as much as I wanted to make him stay and talk to me, there was something in his posture that slid away from me.

     "I can't do this right now," he finally said. "I... I have to go."

     "Garth..."

     He turned from me. "Please Xavier, if you respect me at all, you'll drop this."

     There was so much I wanted to say to him right now, but I could tell where he was at. If I tried, he'd only shut me out again. He wanted me to trust that he'd still be there and that he just needed space. But how could I do that when he barely put the same trust in me.