His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 48

Taehyung stared at the blank page of the notebook from the previous day with a stronger conviction. Thoughts swam calmly and orderly around his head, lining themselves up for what he was about to write.

Taehyung took a deep breath in.

I have control.
I'm in control.
I'm okay.

When he felt the faintest fear crawling from the depths of his soul, clawing at him to back out from what he was about to put himself through, he closed his eyes and thought about the previous day.

He could vividly recall hearing his members' voice. Heck, they talked to him! They stayed outside his room trying to calm him down like usual, assuring him that he wasn't alone. They even stayed until he fell asleep, all the way until their manager came and dragged them out.

Taehyung also remembered other instances in which his members expressed their brotherly love and care towards him. He remembered every single small gesture they made to make him happy. He thought about the cards he'd received for the past few days too, and the soft toys that gave him comfort; all of which within his reach and right by his side.

The recollection brought a smile to his face, successfully burying the rising anxiety in his gut.

Preparing himself, he took another deep breath in and closed his eyes.

To be able to write, to be able to tell them everything, he had to recall the accident. He had to recall all the nightmares he'd have and all the details it haunted him with. He had to evoke the same emotions and feelings it caused him and write them all down.

To encourage himself, he thought, 'I don't have to say it out loud. I just need to write it down. All of it. That's all.'

No harm will be done.

But after a moment of silence and contemplation...

"Who the hell am I kidding?! A lot of harm will be done!" Taehyung almost shouted in frustration.

He looked out the window and saw the remains of the setting sun.

He couldn't do this. Maybe, perhaps, if his members were by his side, he'd be able to. But then, the whole point of doing this in the first place was because he didn't want them to see him like this. The humiliation would kill him.

Yes, to Taehyung, it's humiliating for BTS to see him so broken. He knows it's stupid when they've already seem him break down so many times, but this was slightly (or largely) different. It's a whole new level of anguish he didn't let them see (one that he could actually hide from them).

What they saw before were just the surface. They had no idea of Taehyung's darkness. Maybe they had their theories and they might just be right, but they could never trully catch a glimpse of it unless he opens up first.

Taehyung took a deeper breath in.

They need to know, Taehyung. Stop being a wuss! Or you'll break this family apart. We've gone through this. Do we need to go through it again?!

Taehyung had seen this precious family almost fall apart. He didn't want that to happen again. He didn't want to see it crumble because of him (and because of anything else).

Closing his eyes, he braced himself for what was to come.

Taehyung would relive every single nightmare he had have just for them.
That was how genuine he was being.

It'll cause him pain, maybe even trigger another mental breakdown, but he would do it. He promised himself (and them) that he'll try his best to fix himself and that was exactly what he was going to do.

So with stinging eyes, that were starting to shed tears, and shaky hands, he wrote the first two words.

Dear BTS

He paused and took a shaky breath in and then out.

In and then out.

Taehyung could tell he was starting to panic. He had to convince himself first that he was alright and that he was at the hospital, recovering slowly but surely, before he could continue on.

You're okay.
You're safe.
You're not alone.

In and out.

You're fine.
You're doing well.
You're alive.

In and out.

Then, like a huge wave washed over him, the flashbacks he feared so much invaded the calm waters of his mind.

Shit...

"I can't do this..." he groaned, tears freefalling from his eyes.

He was scared.

The green light.
The truck.

"Stop... stop stop stop!" He hit his head multiple times. "I'm not even asleep. My eyes are wide open! Stop! Please! Stop!"

Breathing heavily, he clutched at his chest as he gritted his teeth.

He willed the images away to no avail.

"I can't do this... I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

He didn't think this would be easy. However, he also didn't think it would be this hard- that it would be this painful.

But I made a promise...

The honk.
The lights.
The screeching tires.
The impact.

"Please stop!" he begged, crushing in on himself.

Before he knew it, the page was stained with a few droplets of his tears.

Broken... I'm broken.

But I'm not alone, right?

Taehyung turned his attention back to the notebook. He pressed the tip of the pen against the paper, hoping to make a line or two but the night of his accident kept taking over his senses, making him believe that he was going through it all over again, that he was on that car, about to get hit, all over again.

The sharp pain. He could feel the sharp pain. He could feel it all. Just like when he's having his nightmares, he could hear, see and feel it all.

He let out a whimper.

No. You're not there. You're here, at the hospital. You're safe. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't.

Taehyung tried to control his breathing in the hopes that it'll at least calm him down a pinch.

Panic attacks were always hard to control but even harder when you have to do it on your own.

"I... I can't..."

...Breathe...

Taehyung felt like he was suffocating.

I'm not okay... I'm not.

But he didn't need to be okay to be able to tell his members. He didn't need to feel fine to tell them just how broken he was.

Taehyung was all about contradictions that night.

His tears didn't stop flowing.

His trembling didn't cease.

But against all that, he wrote what he felt and what he feared.

He wrote everything because if he was going to do this, if he had to go through this painful process for this, he could only do it once. He wouldn't be able to do it again.

He couldn't bare to do it again. He would die if he had to.

So just this once, he's willingly facing his inner demons, weakly but head on.

Just this once.