The Butterfly Effect

16. follow up

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, September 6

"Olivia, did you hear me?"

"Yeah..yeah, I'm sorry."

It was the next morning, and Olivia had been set to be discharged later that day. Everything that had happened last night still hadn't quite set in, and her mind had wandered off every once in awhile. The idea that there had once been a life growing inside of her for just 5 short weeks..it was something she couldn't wrap her head around. She had felt like she had been stuck in limbo, between feeling angry and upset..her emotions had been everywhere it had been killing her that she couldn't pinpoint just exactly how she had been feeling.

"Well first, Maureen says she sends her love, and is going to bring Cecilia home before dinner, that okay with you?" he stood next to her in bed, and threaded his fingers through her chestnut waves. Elliot knew she had a lot going through her head right now, and didn't want to be too overbearing while she got through this.

"I don't know El, I really wanted to see her as soon as we got home," the only thing she had been wanting to do since last night was hold Cecilia close, and shower her with love and sweet nothings.

"Are you sure you don't want to try and get a nap in before? I don't want it to be too much while you're still.."

"Still what? Waiting for my body to rid itself of what's left of our baby? I don't need you treating me like I'm gonna break, I'm fine!" her voice had risen, shocking Elliot and even herself with her outburst. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay," he smiled softly and leaned to kiss her temple. "I'll tell Maureen to bring her around 1," he chose to overlook her outburst, figuring that she was still trying her best to come to terms with what had just happened. Elliot had been hurting too, but he knew that right now he needed to be strong for her right now and try his best to help her deal.

"El, I just really need her right now, I didn't mean to yell at you- I'm just really confused right now on what or how to feel," she had swallowed hard trying to make the lump in her throat disappear, but had failed once she felt the tears escape from her eyes. "You know I really didn't want to even consider having another baby until a year or so from now, but now.."

"You're starting to realize just how much you actually do want one?"

"Yeah..the idea of having one- especially with you, scared me shitless but I knew deep down it was something I wanted in the future..and that's the thing- I wanted it in the future. And now I have this image of a baby that's ours and I can't shake it out of my mind. I can't help but think about if our baby was a girl or a boy, how excited you would have been, or what it feels like to have a tiny human just kicking away at you. And I'm angry because I was so fucking close to having that and it was taken away from me before I even knew it existed," her face had been soaked with tears, and her eyes were already swelling. She hadn't expected for this to be such a life altering experience, for all of her wants to suddenly be shifted and focused on this one desire to suddenly have another baby.

She always ended up wanting something she couldn't have.

"I can't give you any advice on how you should deal with this, or what's normal to feel, but I can give you my word when I say that I'll do everything it takes to see you happy. Whether that means trying for a baby in a month or even a year from now..I wanted that baby too Liv," he held both of her hands in his and kissed the tops of them. "Remember awhile back when I told you I wanted to be in yours and Cecilia's lives for the long haul? I meant it. I want those Sunday dinners and family vacations, I want it all- and one day we'll get all of that. I promise you baby," he hated seeing her like this. And it killed him every time he looked into her eyes and seen the sadness trying to hide behind them.