His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 46

Apologies are more sincere when said face to face so hurry up and get well so that we can make it up to you.

For all that is worth, we're lost too, without you.

Suddenly, Taehyung was having a hard time breathing through his already clogged nose. He'd been crying a lot for weeks now and this week wasn't an exception.

Taehyung looked back at the door and the window beside it as he was overcome by grief. The blinds were always closed, covering anyone that stood or walked pass his room.

Right then he could imagine his hyungs, Jiminie and Kookie sitting on the other side of that stupid wall he grew to hate for the past few days that he'd been hold up alone in that room. He hated that wall for it separated him from everyone.

Taehyung wiped at his nose and eyes, willing himself to stop crying.

Were they always there? Even though they couldn't exactly see him, do they come by his room every day? Do they stay there, behind that wall for a while even though they knew it was pointless? Will they really still love him and care for him when he finally tells them? When they finally know how broken he was?

How can he be sure that they'd accept his broken self? How can Taehyung be sure that they'd never leave him no matter how much he changed, no matter how f***ed up he got in the head?

Then he looked back to the card that was still in his hands and remembered the pile of cards he'd gotten for the past six days. Those seven cards were his answers. They were answers to all his insecurities and doubts.

Taehyung gulped down a lump on his throat.

When I call out... When I reach out... Would you take my hand and walk with me all the way? Will you listen to me, stay with me even when I can't be put back together again?

"I'm doing well," he croaked, wishing he was loud enough so that they could hear him speaking to them. "I'm okay."

I'm really not okay. I'm not doing well at all. I'm lost without you guys. I'm dying.

He just wanted to hear their voice again. Their soothing soft voice that have calmed him countless of times before. He needed to be sure that they were there even when his inner demons convinced him that they weren't.

For a moment there was silence, leading Taehyung to believe that they didn't hear him. That they would never hear him.

But then, there were consecutive thumps on the window and the doors that made him jump slightly in surprise. And then...

"You're not okay, Taehyung!" it was Yoongi's stern voice that broke the sickening silence. "I could hear you sniffling!"

This made Taehyung's lips twitch to a small smile. Then he chuckled ever so softly as more tears came his way.

They're here... They haven't left me yet...

"Not funny!" J-Hope barked as if he could hear him loud and clear.

"Did he laugh? You heard him laugh? Yah! Jimin, can you move? I can't hear anything!" he heard Namjoon complaining.

"It's not my fault, hyung! I want to hear too!" the other replied.

That was when it clicked to Taehyung that his members were pressing their ears against the door to hear into the room (or at least hear him as clearly as they could).

"You're stepping on my foot, hyung!" he heard Jungkook whine.

"Sorry," that was Jin. Taehyung could just hear the sheepish grin coming off of the eldest's tone.

Hearing his members once again, though muffled by the walls, it just brought more tears to Taehyung's eyes. Tears of joy.

At this point, Taehyung might just be conflicted.

The softest whimper escaped his mouth. The one that he tried to muffle with his trembling hands.

Taehyung was crushing in on himself. Again.

"W-why...?" he let out in a whisper. He felt like his lungs were being constricted. "W-w-why w-would you... W-why are you still h-here?"

You never left... You're still here. For a person such as me... You're still here. Why? I'm...

Taehyung's inner demons had clouded his judgement before and he had been trying to hear his members calling out to him, comforting him and telling him that they were always there, against the loud whispers of the devil lurking in the very shadows of his being. But now, because his members never gave up on him, because they were constantly trying to break down his walls and prove to him that his fears are all but fears, he could see and hear them more clearly. He could see the lies that his mind had been feeding him.

"I'm s-sorry," Taehyung stuttered.

He's starting to think that maybe he can be fixed after all. Maybe he wasn't entirely broken. Maybe he wasn't as dead as he thought he was. Maybe, he just needed more time, that it'd be painful to bear but that he'd eventually be fine. That maybe if he stopped pushing his members away lest he'd lose them instead, he wouldn't be as miserable as he was. That all of them wouldn't suffer as much as they were now.

"I'm sorry."