Forgetting Love (Dublin Sisters #2.5)

Chapter 26

The clock ticked. Samreen patiently waited for Faraz to say what he wanted. But he didn't know what to say and most of all how to begin. Committing a sin was far easier than admitting the sin. One needed a lot of courage to confess that one is wrong. And this is why Faraz was at a loss of words.

He was ashamed and wasn't able to look up at her face. Gazing down at the plain dark purple fitted bedsheet and the floral multi-coloured duvet, he spoke, "You had been telling me for months but I didn't understand you. I realized my mistake. This...this ...." He was finding the right words, he swallowed and his voice lowered in shame, "addiction went out of hand."

Samreen held her breath as he revealed his inner most feelings. Faraz was never expressive. In the decade long marriage, he never expressed much. It was only through his actions that she was able to understand him. Now as he spoke, she was astounded. She was ready to silently listen to him so she knew what went in his mind and heart, to get a glimpse as to why he did all this.

"After the first few times, it just got into a habit. You were busy with children, I never realized that you noticed there was something different in our relationship. In fact, I didn't even understand that it was affecting our relationship. I was in my own world." He smiled sardonically, "a world of sins. It wasn't enough anymore. I wanted more and more. One video wasn't enough. I wanted to watch more until exhaustion led me to sleep." he gulped in air and closed his eyes. Tonight, he would say it all, "There were nights you would be asleep beside me and I ... I ..." but this was difficult to confess.

"And you watched when I was just right next to you. When we had our baby sleeping in the same room."

"Yeah" he mumbled.

There was an eerie silence. She didn't know what to say to him. It was good he was finally being honest but all this was revolting. It hurt her knowing how much he had drowned in the pool of lust and forbidden desires. Especially when she was always there for him but he neglected her to indulge in the forbidden pleasures.

"Watching wasn't enough for me anymore. I wanted to do what I saw on videos." He was again quiet. "I don't think I can say it all."

She sighed deeply, "You don't have to. I saw it all on your phone. The sex chats."

That is when his eyelids lifted, his eyes going round, "You did?"

She slowly nodded, not breaking the eye contact.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?"

She tilted her head and arched an eyebrow, "Would you have listened?"

"No" he whispered.

"Tell me what made you go to porn? Is it me?" this was hard but she spat out the words, "Am I not attractive anymore?"

"Oh no no no. Sammy its not you. It was never about you. Now that we are being honest. I will tell you a terrible secret, I used to watch porn as a teen boy. And well I don't know it just came back to me when we weren't close enough."

"Didn't you understand that I was tired taking care of OUR children and OUR home?" there was disappointment written all over her face.

"I am not blaming you. If there is anyone to blame it's me and my self-control. And yes I didn't understand you when I should have."

"I know I was wrong in some ways not understanding you as well. That is why we need to be honest with each other." Samreen admitted.

"I know" he nodded in thought. He had to convince her that he had been trying. He had realized his mistake and he was working hard towards becoming a better person. "But I have been trying Sammy. Since you left I have been trying to get rid of this habit. I even took part in a counselling therapy. But it didn't really give me the results I wanted. There are times when I turn weak."