The Fault in our Nostalgia // Harry Styles

Twenty•

Mariah•
Little Dear Styles always thinks everything is just hotsy-totsy. But to me, it was self-loathing.
It's happening again, every time I feel happy or on the edge of smiling, something pushes me back.
When everything would be divine and amazingly good, it turns into haunting me.
It's ceding me, But when the world is angry, or sad, or happy, its not just an outside feeling, see? It penetrates me, it resonates with every cell every nerve. I can feel the thick black oil of anger coursing through my veins, and the heavy coarse feeling of sadness, and the light feeling of joy.
Im an antennae for these emotions, i suck them in and feel them so intensely i almost drop to the ground in the heap of exhaustion, but i dont know is that i show these emotions to the ones i love. The anger, the sadness, the joy. They show on my face and in my voice. I cant hide them.
But i feel that amongst all of these there is always an underlying feeling of sadness. Sadness that im so dependent on people that i cant feel my own emotions. Sadness that i have to suffer being empathetic to people who may not deserve my empathy. Sadness that, no matter how hard i try, this thing im plagued with will never change. So it was just me, alone, lacking hope and listening to music.
"Those heartless once cared so much." My dad's words that never leave my mind.
Every time I remember dad or his words id cry in hysterics, I'd go crazy and I'd go heartless.
Because of me, dad flew up high to the sky like a butterfly lacking a soul.
What makes me different is that I find hell in my head and heaven in others, they never collide at the same time. And when they do, I find myself burning in the fire.
I still remember the looks, those bright green eyes burning deep in my tired ones, the way he looked at me still makes me cry, it was just complicated yet tortuous.
I turned the music off, and stared at the lake facing me, rewinding all the thoughts and memories.
Harry•
"Can you just shut up?" I barely whispered, I was enrolled between her four walls, listening to my thoughts, that were haunting me whole.
I decided to sleep, as I kept thinking about her in my dreams.
" i can't believe you've left, you promised you wont.."
"You told me you loved me, why did you walk away?"
"I just wanted to be enough for you.."
The screams followed me like a wanderer following its devil, i wanted to scream but i was sure no one would hear.
But yet i did, shamelessly, carelessly, strongly, i did.
"You almost convinced me i mattered, i almost believed you when you said i was important, you filled my dead lungs with your lies, when i was suffocating you filled me with your lies when i thought you filled me with oxygen, we were disasters connected by love but you didnt notice that. You left me an aftertaste..." I whispered the last part, choking on my sobs.
Then i felt a touch on my skin, that didnt make me go weak, but it made my heart cold and my blood boil, I sensed her touch as i looked at her with complete grimace.
"Im feeling small, its a feeling i get too often when my mind decides to escape reality, i pretend im in a video game, because thats the only thing that stops these feelings from scaring me. Do you scare me a little? Yeah. You're making me fear your love, so that when you let me be apart of it, I won't take it lightly.
You remind me with the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in your veins, and that you still want me in the middle of that all, probably not.
Do not take my soul for granted, for I am fierce, and I can take you to places that you never thought you could go to; but you're still loving the midst of it all. Like the rain after a storm, you can bring love.
I learned you, cherished you, respected you and loved you.
For I am so much than a pretty face, I'm a soul on fire." She said, with no hesitation.
"You set my mind on fire and i all i did was smell the smoke, inhale it and feel it, i could care less my mind was fire, cause whenever i was near you, my mind was wild, and if youre a soul on fire, i can blossom without your water." I said as i felt my pieces reattach, I watched my broken heart reattach infront of my eyes, and she? She witnessed her heartbeat slowing until it cannot be heard.
Then she pulled me into a kiss.
My first ever kiss.
Our lips collided like the stars and moon, for the meaningless measures taken.
Then we pulled away, and laughed and it was a ludicrous lack of efficiency.
We re attached our lips, I didn't hold her though.
I didn't put my hands on her waist.
She wasn't touching me either, she didn't hold my neck, she didn't grip on my shirt.
We were just standing there, not touching each other.
We were just standing like statues, we were frozen and our lips were burning.
"Mariah.." I managed to say.
"Shh.." she whispered.
Timid fingers touched her cheek as she flinched.
Then, she backed away and said,
"Harry, let's fade away."
"Huh?"
"Just hold my hand, trust me."
All I could do was nod, and oblige her.
She was my goddess, I felt religion when I was with her.
I couldn't disobey her.
She controls every vein in my body, every cell in my brain, she makes my heart races to a flat line, as her eyes brood mystery, and call.
"Aren't you coming?" She half-screamed.
"Yeah, I'm coming my love."
Let us fade, my darling.