life's rain // bruno mars

chapter thirty-one

chapter thirty-one

The Church of Perpetual Peace was small, and on the inside not even two pews were fully filled. Which I thought was the saddest thing.

Before going in, Ari, Phil and I greeted Lena's parents at the door. Lisa's skin looked sickly pale and her blonde hair was streaked with gray. Lena's dad, Greg, who was in a wheelchair, was black, and looked at us with bleak, unnerving dark eyes. Neither of them looked exactly like Lena. We gave them our condolences. Lisa smiled a tight lipped smile, fighting tears. “Thanks for coming out. Stephanie told me you all were great friends, and you,” she turned her blue eyes on me. “she told me that you two loved each other very much.” 

Before glancing at Greg and quickly looking away, I smiled.

We joined Stephanie in the first pew and soon Christopher arrived with his wife and baby boy. They sat behind us. I was between Phil and Ari, unmoving. Murmurs filled the room. Stephanie was turned around in a black dress talking to Chris and his wife. Phil and Ari were talking over me about Greg, how he looked as if he didn't like us. I was quiet, watching the casket. It was open.

The preacher was setting up as Lisa rolled Greg to the casket. They stood there for awhile. Lisa cried, touching the wood. Greg was silent, still. After a few minutes, they went to the pew next to us. I stood up and made my way to Lena.

She was in a simple black dress, her arms on either side of her, her nails painted pink and so were her lips. Her hair was still black, loose and tamed, in a style she would have hated. Her eyes were closed. I suddenly realized I would never get to see those gold eyes again.

I didn't know what to do, but to just stare. She was going to be buried today, and I couldn't imagine her seven feet in the ground, under dirt and rocks. I decided to talk. “Lena,” I whispered. “I forgive you. It was a nice joyride you've given me and you know I'm always up for that.” I ran my finger along her cheek, conscious of the eyes on me. “I love you, Lena,” I said softly. “Everyday.”

The preacher spoke about how Lena was now safely in Heaven, protected from all evil, and how she would be dearly missed. Lisa couldn't finish her speech of how Lena was destructive as a child which was hard for me to picture. Lena was gentle, but it made me smile anyway. Soon it was my turn to speak. “I've never done a eulogy before. I hadn't even written one down—I'm just gonna do this off the top of my head but straight from the heart.” I earned a few laughs as I adjusted the microphone. “I do music right, and I think the best and most important part, for me, of doing music is learning. Being with Lena. . . she showed me what's beneath the surface. Just to let you know, thinking deeply is definitely not serene. It can drive you to insanity. I'm not gonna sugarcoat things, it was hard as hell being in a relationship with her but I think that's what matters the most. It's not about what's easy. It's about what's complicated. The things you gotta think and work hard about. That's what she taught me. Finding the things that make you run ten miles just to get one ounce of goodness out of it, and twenty more miles just to get another .5. Those are what truly count.” The small crowd before me was silent. I raked a hand through my hair and exhaled. “I saw a part of myself in her. The aimless part, where you don't know what direction you're headed in but you keep walking anyway. Whenever I hear or play music I see her with her camera, and everytime I look up to the sky I see her gazing up with me with awe-struck eyes even though the sky looked exactly the same yesterday. When I see beautiful things, I guess what I'm saying is, I see Lena. Even near the waters. . . she's there, on the shore.” I paused. “Thank you.”

I don't know why, but my gaze landed on Lena's father. He gave me a slight nod and there was a glint in his empty eyes, as if he were saying thank you.