life's rain // bruno mars

chapter ten

chapter ten

The night was dreamless. Dusty sunlight filtered through the blinds, waking me from my slumber. I checked my phone, it was 7:06. I had only one hour to get to work. Bruno was asleep next to me, so was Phil. Looking at him made last night events surface, reminding my lips of the shape of his mouth. I left.

I slammed the door once inside the car. A lump formed in my throat and I had a hard time keeping it down. My stomach was churning as I started the car, speeding down the street, not caring if I got pulled over. I wanted to leave Los Angeles, wander off alone to nowhere. Escape the place everyone escapes to. 

*

I remembered a month ago I had this flame of hope that Bruno would be the one of the customers to walk through the door but now I had a stone of fear and paranoia. If he came in, I didn't know what I would do.

Thankfully, he never did.

*

Avoiding Bruno lasted for a week so far. I hated that I missed his birthday. He called me several times, but that's all. He never showed at the pawn shop or my place. If he had something important to tell me he would have made more effort to get to me and tell me face to face—at least, this is what I keep telling myself.

In the meantime, I was losing myself.

My sleepless nights were worse. My grades were dropping and so was I. Stephanie noticed. She tried to ask me what was wrong but I shut her out, became guarded, retained  all thoughts and emotions; released them on ink and paper that I kept to myself. I was late too often for work. Christopher was close to firing me. I didn't care. But he was too nice, and forced me to take a one week vacation. I had more time to focus on school, which helped with my grades. Still, they weren't as they used to be.

I wasn't how I used to be. Or maybe I was always this way, but kept this side of me bordered up somewhere and now it was seeping through the cracks; portraying a side I didn't like to be.

I stayed in most of the time. My camera had collected a thin layer of dust from being unused. I hadn't talked to Mom in awhile either, she would ask me about my grades and I didn't want to lie to her. Music was softly playing from my radio. I was writing in my journal when Stephanie kicked open my door, shades on. “Lena, darling, I do have the belief that I am a brilliant psychic and your future holds bumping music with a tad of grinding.”

I didn't even look up. “What?”

She was holding a bag of McDonald's in her hand which she set on my nightstand. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. “I don't want that.”

“As a matter of fact, you do,” she said, her eyes were narrowed when she took off her shades. “Because you love McDonald's and you haven't eaten in three hundred years.”

“Listen. . . Steph. . .”

“Can you not be depressed tonight, Lena?” Her voice became almost whiny. “There's this party at the guy Brandon's house and I need you to come with me.”

“I'm not depressed,” I argued, feeling a spark of anger at her because she invited me to a party but didn't instead ask me what was going on with me. But she did ask, awhile ago. And since I never gave her straight-forward answers, she gave up on asking. I was angry at her for giving up, then; at myself for not telling her the truth; at Bruno, for kissing me without reason; at my world, for not giving me time to hold on. I sighed, agreeing. “I'll go.”

Her eyes widened. “Are you serious Lena? I thought I would have to fight you to agree.”

I forced a smile. “I'm tired of staying in here. I need some sunlight in my life.” This wasn't true. I was content on being alone most of the time now, but I would do anything for Steph as she would for me, no matter what state I was in. It wasn't fair to her anyway, because of me, I knew, I brought her mood down too.

She smiled. “I knew in a week you'd be yourself. We get ready after you eat your fatty food, okay?”

*

I wondered what I was getting myself into as I pulled on some clothes decent enough for a party. When I went into the bathroom I groaned at my reflection. Shadows were underneath my eyes, my hair was worse than usual. I tried putting on make-up to cover my exhaustion and tied my hair back.

In the car I asked Stephanie, “Where does this guy live?”

“Pretty close.” We pulled out the parking lot. “Ramona Drive. Isn't that a street away from your job?”

“No that's the next exit. It's where the wealthy people live.”

“Yes!” Stephanie hit the steering wheel with her palm. “He's rich!”

“Now all you have to do is get married and have Jay come ruin the wedding.” Stephanie didn't respond. We weren't even there yet, and tiredness was already creeping behind my eyelids. In twenty minutes we made it to a residential neighborhood, the houses lined on either street massive with perfectly mowed lawns, some even had fountains. Parked in their long, winding driveways were sleek, foreign cars. “Wow,” Stephanie breathed. “This is where I belong.”

Brandon's house was at the end of the street, making the silence of the neighborhood disperse as the music inside emitted outwards. Several cars were parked on the sides of the road and many people had to walk the rest of the way. Steph and I were one of those people. Steph trudged in her heels and me in my sandals. I could hear the crickets quiet as we walked by.

The house rose in the distance as we neared. It was an amazingly large two story, painted white. I could feel the music vibrating through my chest now, and the energy that coursed through my veins actually made me miss college parties. Maybe I'll enjoy myself.

We went past smokers with red plastic cups mingling in the lawn and inside the house. The place was packed, filled with dancing strangers. It was pretty dark, dim lighting highlighting every movement. I couldn't keep up with Steph's black curls. I was lost in the mass of bodies, turning this way and that, trying to locate her. I pushed my way through the dancing, and stumbled into the backyard veranda but who I saw made me freeze in my tracks, my breath leaving me instantly.

I backed away, nearly running back inside. He didn't see me, he was too busy having a conversation with a guy. He looked the same. My heart was hammering.

I found Stephanie in the kitchen. I grabbed her arm, stopping the cup that was making its way to her lips. I had to scream in her ear for her to hear me. “We have to go!”

“What?” she yelled. “Why?”

“I'll tell you later!” Slowly I felt myself getting scared, desperate. “Please Steph, we have to go now!”

“No!” She jerked her arm away from me. “I'm having fun tonight, Lena. With or without you.”

“Stephanie—”

She started screaming, the voices around us lowered. “I'm not going to be depressed with you Lena! How about you forget about me like you've been doing these fucking past weeks? Go hang out with your other friends.”

“Don't be ridiculous.” I eyed the people watching us, wondering how much Steph had to drink before I found her. “You're my best friend.”

She snorted. “Yeah, right. I guess that's why you haven't known me and Jay are over?”

“What?” I almost staggered backwards. The meaning behind her words felt physical. “You never told me.”

She closed her eyes and when she opened them they were hard. “You never asked, too busy with locking yourself in the room being a sad little shit to even care to ask me how was my day, or life.” She threw her hands in the air. “For god sakes Lena, learn how to treat a best friend.”

She turned around and I reached for her. “Steph wait—” but the people around me resumed, probably disappointed they didn't get to see a fight. Disgusting. Steph practically ran from me, and soon I was in a house full of strangers.

I made it outside blindingly.

Never in my life had I felt so alone. I crossed my arms against my chest, and walked to the gates leading out the house. Then I heard his voice, a gruffly one that I hadn't heard in years. I made the mistake of turning around, catching his eye.

Ray.