The Drummer || a.i [completed]

65 - let me out

this misery

(let me know if you know the song haha)

I looked out of my window at 6:58 that evening and sighed. I saw Ashton sitting on my porch, waiting until 7:00 to knock on my door. I watched him fidget with the sleeves of his jacket, rubbing at his knees through his ripped jeans. The night was warm, but I could see he was shivering.

I knew what was coming, and from the look on Ashton's face this morning, I could tell he did too. But we had to have this conversation. We were the catalysts of each other's decomposition. We were slowly corroding into each other, breaking each other down until we were just a mixture of elements no longer working together to create a person.

After two minutes Ashton stood up and walked to my door. I stepped away from the window and could tell he was hesitating to knock on my door. But he still knocked before it became 7:01.

I walked down my stairs and opened the door.

I looked my boyfriend up and down and smiled warmly, holding my arms out for a hug. I could tell he was scared. His hands were shaking as he wrapped his arms around me. His whole body was shaking as we came inside my house and I closed the front door.

"It's just us," I said as I led the two of us to the kitchen.

I saw Ash's eyes land on the white lilies that I had kept in perfect condition since he gave them to me. He flinched.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked him, putting some water in a kettle so I could make hot chocolate for him.

"You know," his voice was deadpanned. I looked at him and saw his eyebrows were raised at my question.

I sighed and sat down at the table. He sat opposite me. "Ash, what we talked about on Monday evening got me thinking..."

He watched me intently, waiting for me to tell him what I was thinking.

"I need to put myself first. I know that you were just trying to look out for me with everything you were saying, and it made me realise that I need to look out for me too. I haven't been doing enough of it and I've realised that..."

"We're not good for each other?" He finished my sentence for me.

I nodded. I got up to get the kettle, and made him his hot chocolate as he replied.

"I know that that's true in your case. I know that I'm definitely not good for you, and that I need to let what's about to happen happen, but what I said on Monday isn't true," he reached across the table to take my hand in his, and his hazel eyes tried to convey all of his emotions to me, "I do need you, Octavia. I need you for my strength, my conviction, my soul. I need you to keep me together. You can break up with me, that's okay, but I know that without you I'm going to crumble."

Tears sprung to my eyes as I realised the truth. "But Ash... with you I'll crumble."

His eyes widened. What was he supposed to do? I was being totally selfish and it tore me apart, but I was on the brink of the end of me, and if I let our relationship carry on, I was going to fall.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered, tears starting to fall from his eyes.

"I have to," I replied, equally as quiet. His hands were almost crushing mine, and he let go and came around the table to kneel next to my chair, again taking my hands in his.

"Tavie, I've stopped cheating on you. When I saw your face when I told you I was still doing it, it crushed me. I promise I've stopped. I just want you to be here with me. You can come on tour with us. Tavie, everything I've tried hasn't worked, only you can make me feel better. I promise I'll try and be better, just please, please stay with me. I need you, I need you," he could barely get the words out.

"You already let me go. When you let me walk away from you on Monday, you let me leave you. Please don't try and drag me back, Ashton. Just leave me be," I smiled at him through tears, holding his face in my hands and rubbing his tears out of their uniform lines along his cheeks.

He pulled away and stood up, covering his face with his hands. "No," he said, almost inaudibly, "no, no you can't be gone."

"I'm not gone, Ash. I'll always be here. I just can't be with you anymore," I said, walking up to him and trying to hug him. He pushed me away and started to walk towards the door. I stood in the hallway, watching him leave.

He stopped before he got to the door and stood there, facing away from me.

"Tavie?" He said, still not showing me his face.

I took a couple of steps forward and stopped a couple feet away from him. "Ash?" My voice cracked, this was hitting me harder than it should have been.

He took a deep breath and turned around. The tears had stopped, but they had left stains on his cheeks. He put his hands on my waist and leant his head down to mine. I didn't stop him. I still loved him, and he still loved me. I couldn't stop him.

His lips met mine and my arms wrapped around him, my hands meeting behind his neck. He poured all his emotion into what we thought would be our last kiss, and it made me cry again.

I pulled away and stepped back. We just watched each other, not knowing what to say.

He turned around and opened the front door.

"Ashton?" He stopped walking. "If you ever need to say something, or get something off you chest, call me, okay?"

He nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

I ran upstairs and watched him leave out of my bedroom window. As I watched his car drive away, I stumbled to my bed and laid on it, face down, sobbing into my pillow.