A Year of Stories (Collection Four)

Eleven Things I Thought About While Falling to My Death

1. I'm pretty stupid, aren't I? In fact, I'd bet that in this moment of time, there is no one on Earth quite as stupid as I am. Even if there is, they're still less stupid, because unlike me, they aren't about to be splattered across a quarter mile of dirt and gravel.

2. This must be what it sounds like to be inside of a hurricane...or maybe a typhoon? Those are pretty much the same thing, right? I know the winds go the other way, like the toilets in Australia, but that can't make too much difference, can it? Who am I kidding, it probably makes all the difference, but I'll never know, will I? Because I'm about to explode.

3. At least I won't have to go to that doctor's appointment, another Prostate exam dodged! Kind of makes you wonder whether it's more of a relief for me, or for the doctor who has to rummage around up there. I guess there is an upside to everything.

4. Speaking of doctors, I really shouldn't have ordered that new box of contact lenses...

5. It's really pretty up here. It reminds me of one of those Surrealist paintings, the kind Dali or Ernst would have slapped together, where the landscapes all sort of melt into a grilled cheese of beauty and color. It's nothing like the view from inside of a plane, not even First Class. That's something, I guess.

6. There is a better than average chance that I forgot to clear my browser history this month. Isn't that going to be embarrassing? At least I'm wearing clean underwear...for now.

7. I wonder if they have to send a Hazmat team to clean up something like this? I'm guessing that by the time I land, I'll basically be biological waste. As far as I know, I don't have anything that's catching... Though I never did make it to that doctor. Either way, I sure glad I'm not the one who has to deal with it.

8. Was that a bird?

9. You know what, I can think of worse ways of shoving off. I could have been shot out of a cannon, or left to bake inside of a brazen bull for heresy. In the grand scheme of things, between the view and the "me time," I can't think of a much better way to go.

I hope at the funeral my mom says I died doing something that I loved. I hope Pete hires the clowns like I made him promise too. I hope Marla's there.

All things considered, I have surprisingly few regrets... except for that browser thing... God I hope Pete gets there first.

Well look at that...the ground.

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10. Wait. Why am I still alive?

11. More importantly, why am I still in the air?