Heliophilia (camren)

Chapter 18

Chapter 18:
I slowly wake up to loud snoring and a cold air freezing my body. I crack my eyes open to see half the duvets been taken by the person beside me. I also notice I'm naked. I slowly roll over and there he is, snoring away. I checked under the blankets and of course, he was unclothed too. I let out a sigh and run my hands over my face knowing what happened last night was a big mistake. It was all just sorrowful, how when he touched me all I could think of what that he wasn't Lauren. He hair wasn't long like hers, his eyes didnt sparkle like hers. Big hands, strong arms, heavy body, thick neck was everything she wasn't and all I could think about was what she would have done. She would have played with my hair after and traced her fingers over my skin, she would stop to call me beautiful and remind me she loves me and it wouldn't just be sex but making love. And in that moment I missed her more than ever, I wanted this to be her in the bed beside me, but it wasn't.
I heard Sam stir beside me and I quickly wipe away my tears and continue to stare at the ceiling as I feel his eyes on me.
"Hi Mila" he says scooting closer to me. I finally look at him and his face softens; he understands. He wraps me in his huge arms as sobs wrack my body and rocks me back and forth.
"I just-you're not her" I stutter out through tears and he runs his thick fingers through my hair.
"Shh hey, don't cry" he says softly and I pull back to look him in the eye.
"I tried to pretend you were her" I whisper and he nods in response.
"If we're being completely honest I suppose I should tell you I tried to pretend you were Normani" he mumbles and I wipe away my tears.
"Well if you were pretending it was me I'd be a little more concerned" I laugh through tears and I feel his chest move in silent laughter.
"We're two messes, aren't we?" He says after a space of silence as he pulls me back into his body, my head falling to his solid chest as his hands run through my hair.
"I know where we stand Mila, you needed to feel wanted and I did too. You're my best friend and nothing's going to change" he continues and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"thank you Sam" I whisper and we're left in a comfortable silence to sort out our thoughts.
"Love you" I say as I feel myself drifting back to sleep.
"Love you too littler" he replies and I let out of a content sigh before falling back into the darkness of sleep.
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She called. She texted. She banged down Sams door that morning and it didnt even discourage her when he answered in only his boxers and barked at her to leave. She waited all day outside but I ignored her. Days rolled on and Sam would leave for work, I would clean and read until he returned. She would often call during this time, knowing Sam wasnt there to shield me. She'd call to the door but I wouldn't even respond, she'd write letters I'd burn in the fireplace, she'd text and email and everything in between but my heart was too bitter to even consider looking at anything she produced. At this point I didn't care how she felt, maybe I was self pitying myself too much but it made my heart hurt less and that's all I could think of.
I dug myself back into reading. Sam would come home with a new ratty second hand book from a shop beside his office for me every night and I'd have it finished by 2 in the afternoon the next day. It felt good, to lose myself in the world described on the pages that didn't include her. By the second week Sam thought I was fine. I'd laugh and act as if everything was okay and that I was finally healing but when night fell and I remembered how much I still loved her and always would I'd let the silent tears fall. I didn't think I could miss something so much. As if someone tore a small bit of me out and threw it away I was a ghost of myself. When I read I thought of her voice husking the words for me. When I cooked I thought of her here with me, burning a hole into my back with her stare. Her laugh rang through my ears in silence, every shade of green sent me into a state of depression so I resorted back to something my teenage self was too familiar with.
I needed adrenaline. I needed passion and infatuation and a rush of something that resembled what she gave me. I needed flashing lights and loud base drumming through my ears and every drink I could afford to numb the pain. Sam didnt know I went out after he fell asleep, but it was for the best. He was worried, I could see it in his eyes when I'd spend too much time staring off into space and not remember what we were talking about. So I waited until he fell asleep and snuck out to forget for a little bit.
Lights hit the bodies of the people I was lost in; blues yellows red and finally green. A deep green like fields of grass, I shut my eyes when the green pulsated through the crowd. I couldn't take it. I moved my body to the beat of the pointless song booming around me. Bodies bumped and tangled around me but I liked the feeling of being lost. I swayed my hips and threw my head back as I felt a pair of huge hands on my hips, pulling me into them.
"What's your name gorgeous?" He asked in my ear. Gorgeous. Lauren used to call me that. But when she said it it rolled off her tongue with love and not sexual desire.
"Camila" I threw back and turned to face him. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile that should make my knees weak, but I didn't feel a thing.
"James" he smirks and I tangle my hands in his hair.
"You are so fucking sexy" he husks in my ear and my stomach churns, but I deserved this.
I deserved to have his huge hands mauling my body as apposed to her soft ones tracing my skin. I deserved sexy over beautiful. But deep down in the back of my mind I knew I didn't want 'sexy' as my label at 2am as adrenaline is coursing through our veins and it's nothing but a courtesy in hopes for passion. I wanted 'beautiful' at 10am and there's coffee stains on my shirt and my hairs up and the whole day has yet to start. I thought she could give me that, but I was wrong.
"Can I buy you a drink?" He asks and I nod my head, but I knew I shouldn't. I've had too much. I can't walk. I can't think straight. But I let him lead me over to the bar and order me a drink. His words turn to a faint mumble as I look around the club and I spot green eyes and brown hair. My head darts around, trying to find her again but I can't pick her our from the hundreds of people in here; it was probably the alcohol. I feel his hand on my thigh and I wince as his hot breath hits my neck. He hands me my drink and I take a sip, the unfamiliar taste bitter.
"Did you put something in this?" I slur and his eyes cheekily shine back at me as the green lights hit his face. Green.
"No baby, I wouldn't" he says with a smirk and I start to feel weak. I keep drinking as the green flashes off the walls and my skin. I want to forget so badly.
The whole room starts to spin and I can't even keep my head up as it lulls onto his shoulder for support. His hands are a little too low on my back but I'm too weak to complain as my legs turn to jelly and everything slurs around me.
"Come on" he says and starts walking me towards the door.
"Where are we going?" I slur slowly, not able to pick up my pace. He doesn't answer and I know this is bad, he obviously put something in my drink because I can't even lift my arms. I try to shout but my jaw feels like a bag of sand and my voice is absent as I see pulse after pulse of green.
I want Lauren. I want here right now, she'd save me. Or would she? I don't even know her anymore, she was full of false promises. All I know now is that I'm about to be dragged home by a guy who just drugged me. I don't even care, I'm worthless anyway. Girls like me deserve this kind of stuff. I close my eyes when it all becomes too much and I finally let darkness win.
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I wake up to soft sunlight as I'm lying in mountains of pillows and cushions. The smell of the pillows were familiar and I shot up as I remembered just were I had smelt that before, and there she was, at the bottom of the bed. Legs folded under her, coffee cup in her hand with her hair up and no make up as she stared at me intently. I let my eyes drink her in, her lazy eyes were a shade lighter just like her skin, her almost black hair shone with gloss and the sunlight kissed her skin delicately just as how I wished to do. I wonder how many people have called her beautiful or thought it; then I wonder how many people, such as myself, realised the word 'beautiful' couldn't ever come close to describing her. I wonder if I'm the only only who actually feels desperate to find words or ways to explain how pulchritudinous she is. How it's not just her eyes and smile and everything physical about her. There was beauty in her quiet similar to the way the wind dances in people's hair and the shore licked people's feet softly; it was a beauty that you couldn't look for, you'd have to stumble upon it. You can't groom yourself to achieve this beauty, it's already thriving through your veins before anyone notices it.
The room I was in was one I'd never seen before. It was tiny, run down and rough looking with splashes of comfort in places like the many pillows and bed throws lying on the queen sized bed. My eyes made there way back to her again and I gawked in disbelief and she just studied me in return.
"Morning gorgeous" she finally says softly, breaking the silence.
"Where the fuck am I" I say back ignoring the butterflies drowning in my stomach.
"My new apartment" she whispers and brings the mug up to her lips, completely unfazed by my rude tone.
"It's the one across the hall from Sams" she continues and I lost it. I shoot up from the bed and stand in the centre of the room as I notice I'm clothed in one of her jumpers.
"How did I get here" I snap and cross my arms as she stares at me with a loving gaze.
"I beat up that kid who thought he was going to drag you home last night and took you back here" she answers quietly and I feel the anger boil up inside me.
"Lauren I don't fucking need your help! I'm nothing to you, I never want to see you again so why won't you just respect that and leave me alone!" I shout trying to swallow the lump in my throat that forms as I spit false words at her. I need to get out of here. I want to kiss her. I need to see Sam, he'll know what to do.
"Will you come back to bed and talk, please?" She begs softly as I shake my head furiously.
"I don't owe you anything" I spit.
"But I owe you everything; I want to explain" she continues in the same calm tone and I want her to scream back at me. Show me she's angry and bitter just as I am but she's as gentle and loving as always.
"I don't what to hear another bullshit excuse Lauren! All you've fed me is lies" I say and she sighs.
"Give me 10 minutes, if I haven't changed your mind ill leave you alone" she says calmly and I contemplate what she's saying. I knew this was the decision to decipher if I still felt anything for her or not, but we both knew the love was still sparkling between us. We loved each other so much it ached, but we weren't in love. I knew if I didn't give her this chance that was it, I walk out the door and never turn back. Ill never hear her voice or see her gorgeous face again and I didn't think I could bare that, so I sat down in the pile of cushions and blankets.
"10 minutes" I say sternly and she smiles, making me melt.
"I've broken up with Normani. I was only with her because I was being bribed by the PLND. I'm not in love with her. I have the pay off money to rebuild my life since I am not a club owner or a high class socialite. I'm not what you thought I was, and im sorry for keeping this all from you but they would have hurt you if i had told you. They've completely left me alone now, I cut all the ties now the contract has expired. I moved to this apartment complex to mind you, keep you safe now that I might have lost you. I know you go out every night and do things you shouldn't put yourself through, but I make sure you get home every time. I don't eat or sleep or do anything but think of you. You're it for me, all I want. You make me just-I can't even describe how much you affect me. You're like my shadow, you're burrowed into my chest and I don't even want to get rid of you. I love you, I love you so much it's killing me and I can't deal with it" she whispered out shakily and a silence hangs in the air like smoke. I'm in complete shock, she had kept all that from me while I cried at night waiting for her to chose me.
I looked at her, with her watery sparkly green eyes and how her bottom lip quivered as she tried not to cry and I've never been so stunned before in my life. Stunned she lied to me, stunned how betrayed how feel, stunned how truly in love I am with her. Time pasted as I just stared at her and I did something that released all the bitterness and anger I was feeling for the past month. I slapped her hard across the face, the sound of skin hitting skin pounding the air. But before she could respond I grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her onto me, sinking into the duvets and knotted my fingers into her hair. I kept eye contact with her as I flipped us over, me on top as I stared down at her intently. I brought my lips down to the raw skin my hand had hit seconds before and kissed it delicately million of times over, peppering the red skin with love. I pulled back and looked into her eyes before speaking.
"I fucking hate you Lauren Jauregui" I whisper against her lips before they finally meet, causing my whole world to explode.
My skin hummed, currents of electricity ran all the way to my finger tips as our lips moved together, her soft touch gracing the skin of my hips lightly, pulling me closer. I missed her so much, I almost whimpered as I realised how much so. My hands softly massaged her scalp as we moved impossibly closer, and I moaned into her mouth as we both tilted our heads to deepen the kiss. I slipped further and further into he, drowning in her as our tongues met and I felt her hands travel up the skin of my back and tracing my spine.
But the bitterness and anger hit the back of my throat again as I remembered how much she hurt me, how much I should hate her, how much pain I felt aching my chest because of her. I pulled back abruptly and got off her quickly, grabbed my clothes and scurried out the door, down the hall and pounded on Sams door.
"Camila, please!" I hear her beg desperately as Sams door flies open and he stands there with his hair messy and a sleepy look on his face.
"Wha-" he starts but I pull him into the apartment and slam the door, my back hitting it as I gulp in air.
"I love you" I hear her say softly from the other side of the door.
"im sorry okay? Just.. Don't give up on me" she says, her voice cracking but I don't respond, Sam still too shocked to say anything.
After 10 minutes of silence she leaves, leaving Sam and I in silence.
"What was that?" He asks finally and I sigh.
"Don't" I answer before stomping back to the bedroom and climbing into bed.
"Want to talk about it?" He asks from the doorframe.
"Nope" I quip back and he sighs.
"Coffee?" He offers.
"Finally something I agree to" I sigh out into my pillow and I hear him chuckle before turning to go to the kitchen, leaving me alone and as confused as ever.