Find Her, Keep Her (CFTM Sequel)

Chapter 19

*Note: FEELS WARNING: ALEX & KAI GET INTENSELY EMOTIONAL IN THIS CHAPTER. ENJOY! Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by Sara Bareilles, Imogen Heap, Sia, and KHS, Max, Alyson (Zedd. Ft. Selena Gomez Cover).

Alex

I can't breathe.

I can't think.

I can't open my mouth and tell Kai that I'm suffocating.

Or that he's suffocating me.

I need space.

Air.

I need to be left alone. But he won't leave me. He'll never leave me. Instead, he'll stay and try to fix things because that's what he does.

He tries and hopes for the day when he'll be able to make me believe that our relationship is enough.

But it isn't. Maybe it never was.

Because all Elias had to do was look at me, and I drifted.

I traded security for history and went running right back into the memory of what we used to be.

And so much of me wanted to stay.

I wanted to fall back into us.

But, I slipped instead.

And now, I'm stuck staring at the consequences.

Kai looks at me without saying anything for a while. His eyes roam over my face like he's trying to figure out a Rubik's cube. But I stay a mystery. I avoid his gaze and focus my attention on the half-dried vomit stains on the carpet.

I've done nothing but make a mess of things this morning.

Thirty seconds after walking into my room, I threw up on myself, on Kai, on everything.

I got sick to the point where he had to carry me into the shower and hold me up because I couldn't even stand on my own.

I wanted to dissolve under that hot water.

I wanted to disappear down the drain and into the dark where I wouldn't have to be seen by anyone.

Especially Kai.

But he took care of me.

Even though I didn't want him to.

Even though all I did was watch him wash my mess off of me and silently wish he was someone else.

My someone else.

And this.

This is why he should leave me. Why he should walk out of this dorm and find a girl who won't do the kinds of things to him that I have.

But, he won't.

He'll stay right here, caressing the side of my face like I'm still the girl I was twenty-four hours ago. The girl who didn't lie, or cheat.

The girl who was better at pretending that her heart didn't belong to the boy standing on the other side of her door.

But the me I am in this moment can't pretend anymore.

"Alex, what's wrong? I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. I just--"