The Notebook

Self-blaming

This is something I can relate a lot to me. I had a huge stage of self-hatred during my life, so big that I constantly thought that my existence was nonsense, that I definitely was a mistake, that I had no fit. And that was even before I began being bullied at school. I believe that my self-hatred problems started up thanks to a very low self-esteem and to seeing that in a such small place as my private school at that time (where the whole school resumed to the number of twenty-four children) I was less than a kid more, who was only valued by adults who saw her as a pitiful, friendless creature. Also adding that my mother wasn't quite a peacemaker when dealing with my childish attitudes sometimes, coming to the point of leaving marks and various scars on my hands that I still see. Not that I blame her for my problems, 'cause we gotta take in the fact that everyone manages their situations as they want. Since I was so young, and I've never been given to violence - watching it, sometimes, but practicing it is something I can't bring myself to. So, as any other human being, I looked for possible exits to my suddenly discovered feelings. My limit came when a guy from my neighbourhood who I thought as trustworthy came out as a barefaced liar and a vicious man. I'll shorten this story by telling you that I'm not talking about a romantic situation, but a try at friendship that cruelly failed when it was discovered the guy's real intentions, which, I'm not kidding, if had come to real, I wouldn't be writing this today.

My trust in mankind at my 10-year-old view drastically fell to the ground, and, since I loved my mother, and I didn't have my father, who was I going to blame of all my disgraces? Myself.

Myself became the number one factor of each angst and problem I or anyone else related to me experienced. If someone nearby dropped their icecream, I though it was my fault. If mom's dog died, I thought it was my fault. If my dad wasn't there, it was my fault. If my mother was a fail at motherhood, well, it had to be my fault. And what kind of feeling does this thinking lead to? Self-hatred.

I thought my existence was a no longer a nonsense thing, but a thing meant to bother. I think there might be people who really are meant to be a bothering ente in humanity, but those people kind of are born with a personality that is meant to bother but not be bothered, like if that part of their conscience is null so their level of care for other's commodity is zero. My case is the total opposite. I actually care too much on what others think about me. With time, growth and a slight 2.5% of maturity acquired, I learned to give less importance about others' view of me, but well, what can I say of my 10-year-old-self? Thinking, no wait, over thinking that people hated me, made me hate myself, which led to hate my life, which led to suicidal thoughts. Yes, 10-year-olds can perfectly have suicidal thoughts and accomplish them. Just take a look at those TV news. So stop lying you foolish parents who sugarcoat the children's reality saying (read with chirpy, mocking voice) "Kids are always happy".

Yeah. Happy my --! [CENSORED ANGRY PARAGRAPH]

We're sorry. The next 80 paragraphs are censored due to strong use of cursing, along with some alcohol abuse and parent insulting in Spanish. We'll pass you on to the cleared paragraph. *okno. I don't curse. And I've never been drunk. It's just humor. But I was really angry at the time :D*

OK. I'm back in black. So, as I was saying, it is totally possible for such young kids to feel that way, they are humans, affected by the same feelings and emotions as adults, babies, teenagers, old people etc. That is when my solution paragraphs begin.

How to stop blaming yourself? Don't blame anybody! Yeah, please also stop blaming God, OK? He is not the cause of 90% of our problems. Our attitude is. When you have a problem, see it like this: you have a life. There will be trouble in life. Why? No human is mentally perfect*. Dead people don't have love issues, or exams to study for. They are... Well, ded af. Then, if you have problems, that means you are alive. Even better, that you are living a life! Isn't that great? You're not just in some vegetative, sedentary, boring, plain, breathe-and-exhale for 80 or 90 years cycle. You have spontaneity, you have situations, you use your mind. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! Like, you could even not just live 80 or 90 years, but even 100! Because people who use their minds to solve problems and use their bodies constantly are known for having a quite good longevity. And I know you've been reading this with such an optimistic tone in your head that you are getting sick of it. So sorry. Just couldn't help myself, hehe! :3

Try to live healthy, make yourself comfortable, solve things, take a challenge once in a while, and remember: it's all part of life! Laugh at it! And then say: "Look bruh, u think u can beat me? Watch me solve u!", get some help from friends and family (or even internet) and create a solution as great as you can. Don't overpush yourself. If you're doing everything you can, you're doing great. If you think you can do better, then , do better!

So yeah, that's your daily rant, hope you liked it! This is actually a huge emotional relief to me, 'cause I still have problems with self-blaming and I hope I can help others to get over it. Commenting advice: what else do you think children can feel but adults never notice? It's really important to acknowledge the younger ones' feelings too!

With tons of love (and a bit of adulthood anger);
Squirrely, the author