Falling Too (Tyler Joseph)

Chapter 19

I don't really remember much about my drive home from Tyler's. I recall softly sobbing as I did my best to keep the steering wheel steady and then after that, I just felt myself falling into my mattress. I buried my face in my comforter, finding none there. I still couldn't fully grasp what had happened moments ago. I still didn't have any clue as to why Tyler was so mad at me, but right then I didn't want to try.

Tyler clearly had more going on in his mind than I had been aware of and probably because he didn't want me to know. I had been prying at that boy so hard that all he could do was snap shut on me when I got too close. What had I been trying to find in him anyway? A reason to stay here in Ohio? To feel like I wasn't a total outcast among a large part of the community?

I furiously wiped my still crying eyes and shook my head at my thoughts. No, I hadn't meant to find anything in Tyler and then I somehow found everything. I had a feeling what Jamie might have said to him, but I couldn't find the will in me to fix it. Not in this moment.

Maybe I should just let Tyler hate me, I just keep causing him problems and making things harder on him. It might just be better that I left him alone. Why did I have to figure this out after I began to realize I was falling for him?

I took in a deep breath and laid there until the darkness of the night enveloped me. Somewhere along the way, I managed to drift into sleep.

***

I considered not going to church, planning to just call Marceline and say that I didn't feel well. I ended up deciding against it, figuring that I could just avoid Tyler. I made sure that I looked as normal as possible, even though I was now basically a walking rain cloud. I stood in front of my mirror, practicing on making my smile as convincing as I could.

I gave up and just went about the rest of my routine. When I made to the church my hands shook as my heart raced thanks to my anxiety being kicked into overdrive. I wasted no time getting into the Sunday school room and began busying myself. I picked up the lesson plan sheet and there were notes about everyone needing markers.

I grabbed the marker bin off the top of the bookshelf and popped off the lid. I began placing them on the tables, one for each student. A blue marker's lid accidentally slipped off and left a dark streak on my palm and fingers. It instantly made me recall when Tyler had written his number on my hand in this color. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I did my best to blink them back.

"You can stop your little show now." A sharp voice snapped at me and I flicked my gaze up to see Jamie as she stood in the doorway.

I felt my jaw clench at the sight of her and forced my voice to be steady as I spoke, "It isn't a show, I don't have to lie to people like you do."

She gave me an amused smirk saying, "If you're talking about what I think you are, I'll have you know that I didn't lie to your little crush. I told him the truth. Carly suggested that you get close to him so people would treat you better. If you guys had a relationship the church members wouldn't blame you as much for what your father did. None of it was a lie."

"But I told her that I wouldn't do that to someone."

Her smile widened, "I guess I didn't hear that part. Oh and then there was the fact you were going to leave as soon as it was all cleared up."

I immediately understood why Tyler had looked so strange the day I had gotten my transfer papers, he thought that what Jamie was saying was true. That I was using him and then I was going to make a run for it.

"See you did it all on your own Ash." She pointed out with glee in her tone and I wanted nothing more than to smack that smile off of her face.

I gave her a look of utter disbelief as I questioned, "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm just taking back what's mine." She states like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"He was never your's, Jamie! He's a person, not a prize! You can't be pulling someone like him into a game like that. I don't think he can mentally handle it."

She shrugged, "I'll take care of him."

Rage rattled my mind, but I kept my control over it. So I just said, "Fine."

Her expression seemed to falter, she appeared confused now. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly what I just said, fine. Do what you want. Clearly, no one else that's around him wants me near him. I clearly do more damage to him than good. So there, you all get what you want. Now leave me be."

"Are you still transferring to another church?"

"Why would it matter now? But no, I'm staying right here and it was for all the wrong reasons apparently."

Jamie looked uncomfortable now and I choose then to just turn my back on her while continuing my work. I glanced over my shoulder a moment later to see that she was gone, but just at the corner, I saw Tyler's sister Madison watching me.

When our eyes made contact she quickly disappeared once more. I sighed heavily, feeling as if I had made a mistake in deciding to come here today. Despite that, I continued just to do what I was supposed to and for the service I sat in the back, wishing something could make me disappear as Jamie sat with Tyler and his family.