Pretending (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction)

Chapter 26: Her

He can't remember anything. The moment I got to realize those four words, my heart immediately sank. I don't understand but for some reasons, I found myself expecting to wake up to him kissing me again. I expected he'd tell me something I thought I'll never hear from him. I expected something different. Something different from my reality.

"I hate you. I hate you for making me want you when I shouldn't have to. I hate you for messing up with my mind like all the fucking time. I shouldn't be with you but I still choose to be. I hate you for doing this to me. You drive me crazy, you little shit."

Those words never left my mind. After hearing them from him, I know I felt something. It was something that I have never felt before. I don't understand but, after hearing those words I felt like I'm being lifted from the ground. I felt something. But it had to stop. My own little fantasy had to end because they were all from the stupid effect of vodka. Those words were only illusions made up of alcohol and stupidity. They can never be real. Calum will never ever feel something towards. I mean, who am I? I'm a nobody. I mean nothing. I can only have someone telling me I drive them crazy when they're drunk. I will never ever exist like the other girls in my school. No one is ever going to like a big mess and a fucked up failure like me. Ever.

"Uh, what do you want?" Calum asked, startling me from my thoughts.

"Oh uhm-" I bit my lip. "I'll have some nuggets and a burger please. And some fries."

We both had been silent while eating not because we both have nothing to say, but because we were obviously starving. I didn't have anything since last night, and I swear if I can get a box of pizza right now I could manage to finish it all in a glimpse. I closed my eyes as I let the fries in my mouth. They tasted so good and so perfect, like I don't want them to leave my mouth. When I opened my eyes, Calum is staring, laughing at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Your love for food is really different." He chuckled.

"I'm hungry."

"Yeah, yeah."

I took a piece of fries on his food and he pushed my hand lightly. We both laugh as we play with our food. I like this side of him. The conceited big-headed popular jerk I once knew is slowly fading away. I like how he's acting whenever he's around me. It's like I'm the only person he can show his real self. I feel like I know him better than the people he chooses to be with. Whenever he looks at me, I could see something different. I always find the best in me whenever I'm with him. I wonder if I do the same thing for him.

"I didn't know you like All Time Low." I stated as I look at his shirt.

"They're great." He sipped on his coke. "I really wanna be like them someday."

"I'm sure you're not bad yourself." I admitted, he laughed at me.

"You haven't even seen me play." He admitted, making me realize how many times I refused to watch them practice.

"You might change your point of view about bassists being irrelevant." He added, making me roll my eyes at him and laugh.

"When's the battle thing? Have you guys worked on a song or?" I kept asking, just to keep the awkwardness away. It's obvious he's still trying to remember about everything last night. Of course I want him to remember. Everything that happened last night meant the world to me. It was something I never expected in my whole life. I had never expected for someone to say all those things to me. I want to know if they were real. I want to know if he meant to say them. But a part of me is afraid to let him remember. What if he realized what he did is just some stupid thing that the alcohol had caused him? What if after remembering everything he would say sorry to me and tell me none of it was real? It would break my heart. I know knowing the truth behind all these things would probably be easier, but for now I choose to deal with something that is left unanswered. I can keep it all in my heart even though it hurts me to know that it could all be just some illusion from the alcohol. I had felt something different, and I couldn't let that get away from me anymore.

He had begun talking about the competition but I was busy drowning myself from my own thoughts. I pretended I was paying attention, but I really couldn't understand what he's talking about.

Pretend. It felt like I got stabbed a thousand times in my chest when I realized I am being dragged back to reality. I feel stupid for all of this. I feel bad, and at the same time happy. I am using him, he is using me. We're together because of a stupid deal. I didn't know it would come this far. Everyday I wake up with something inside me, making me know that I am happy. I have gained my hopes up, I feel alive. I have never been this happy all my life. I feel like I have found the missing puzzle piece of me, but I just couldn't seem to know what that piece is. He makes me happy. He makes me feel alive. Could this possibly be something? I'm afraid, and I know I don't want to. I hate making up things in my mind. I don't want to expect, I might get hurt. I don't want to feel this, but I couldn't let go of it either. I'm scared to what might happen if I let myself, but I want to put down all my walls and let him in. I have never been so confused about my life. I always go with one decision, and that's just it. But for now, I couldn't seem to put a finger on anything. It has always been my head, and now my heart is starting to join the battle. I'm confused, but I'm starting to know what I want to choose. I am happy, but I'm scared. I want him to stay away, but I feel incomplete without him. Keeping him in my life might kill me. But I know if I let him go, it will.

"So that's how Michael and Luke became friends. I just kind of bonded to them." He stated while laughing, taking me back to my senses. "Are you even listening?"

"Sorry," I half smiled at him. "I just- I remembered something and I kind of- not a big deal though. Just some school stuff."

"Who would have thought you actually care about school?" He said, and laughed.

"Let's just finish this and go somewhere." I suggested.

"Where?" He asked, taking a bite on his burger.

I ignored his question on focused on my food. Like what I told him this morning, I wanted to do something new. Something different, and maybe unpredictable. I wonder why his eyes lit up after I said those words. It's like there was something in it, and I don't even know what. Calum is just really strange at times and it's kind of intriguing.

We headed out and started walking, not having any idea where to go. We just walked and remained silent.

"I know what to do." Calum finally talked. I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked, smiling at him.

"You'll see."

He then grabbed me by the hand and we started running. I let myself go away with it. I was completely smiling while being mesmerized with the whole situation. This is probably the first time I felt something different with him holding my hand. I couldn't stop looking at it. I couldn't ask for a perfect view. The way he's holding it, it was like a life support. It was tight yet caring.

A smile automatically escaped from my mouth as we stopped in front of an amusement park. We had stopped running, but he didn't let go of my hand. I wasn't planning on letting go of it either. He looked down at me, giving me a sweet smile. I smiled back at him, reassuring him that I liked his idea. He held my hands tighter, and started brushing it with his thumb. I'm savoring the moment, taking it all inside me. I take a picture of everything in my mind, not wanting to forget this perfect moment. Our hands intertwined, as we walk together in this happy place. I couldn't ask for more than this. I love this. I love us.

"I'm not going to try to win you a giant stuff toy." He admitted. I just looked at him, amusement evident on our faces.

"But I want to do something," he took a deep breath, squeezing my hand tighter. "Something I haven't done before."

I followed his eyes as he started looking at the roller coaster. I looked back at him and smiled, letting him know that I won't leave him no matter what. I may be small, but I was never afraid of heights. I love how the roller coaster drifts me away. It's like I'm being taken away from everything, including all the bullshit in my life. And now I'm here, with this person that I have come to know as the one who makes me incredibly happy, asking me to come with me there. I would hate myself forever if I say no.

"I'd love to."

I can feel his body tensing up as we get closer to our seats. I didn't let go of his hand. It was comforting, and I wanted him to feel that way too. I never knew how someone like him could fear some things like this. He can beat the shit out of almost everyone at school, he can get whatever he wants, everyone is scared of him, and yet here he is, looking like it's the last day of his life. I didn't show him how I'm starting to get worried. I know he wanted to do this, and if I asked him, he might think I'm afraid too. But I am not. As long as he's here, tightly holding my hands, I'll always be okay.

"You ready?" I asked him.

He took a deep breath at smiled at me. "As always."

We sat down at our assigned seats and got all geared up for safety. Calum looks so pale and scared, but I keep on smiling at him, making sure he's going to be fine. After getting all ready, he took my left hand, intertwining it on his right one again.

"Don't let go."

I smiled at him and held his hand tight. "I won't."

It started moving and I always keep on glancing at him. His eyes are shut, his grip getting tighter. I started rubbing his hands with my thumb as we get higher, his breath getting uneven. He's really scared, but I want to let him know that he will be okay.

"Open your eyes!" I shouted, "We're about to go down!"

"No!" He shouted back.

"Calum open your eyes!" I shouted as I smile. "This is the best part!"

I looked at him as he slowly open his eyes. He tightened the grip on my hand and I did the same. He looked at me and bit his lip, then turned to look back at what we're going. It started to go down, giving me the familiar feeling.

"Fuck yeah!" We both shouted and laughed our asses off. He didn't close his eyes anymore, and he obviously enjoyed the whole ride. The look on his face is something I won't probably be able to remove on my mind. It was perfect.

The ride had finally stopped and I felt somehow dizzy but I ignored it. Calum jumped out of his seat gleefully and reached for my hand, helping me up. When I finally got out of the seat, he smiled at me, grabbed my arms and pulled me into a tight hug. The familiar hug that I loved, giving me the familiar feeling and all the butterflies and fireworks exploding deep inside me. I rested on his chest, letting his scent linger on. I love the way this feels. If I have it my way, I wouldn't let go of this.

"Thank you." He admitted.

I didn't answer him back, but instead I tightened the hug and let us stay like that for a moment. He faced one of his fears, and he got to do that because of me. I feel so proud about this, knowing I can as well make someone happy. The feeling being an irrelevant and a worthless person is starting to fade away from me. Calum never fails to make me feel such things I have never felt before. And to be completely honest, I wouldn't deny the fact that I love it.

He completes me.