Chapter 38: Her

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"Who was that?" Stella asked as I locked my phone and slipped it back to my pockets.

I didn't go to school today, I didn't know why. I feel like I needed some time to think about the things I have come to realize about myself few days ago. I feel like I wasn't sure about all of it, but I know I am. My heart and mind had finally agreed on something. I am in love with him, there's no doubt about that. He makes me incredibly happy in anything that he does. I'm not questioning myself about it anymore. I know for a fact that I am sure with what I'm feeling. But to be completely honest, I'm scared. Scared to know that there could be a heartbreaking truth that he doesn't feel the same. I couldn't picture myself being the one he's in love with. I'm not one of those girls that boys usually fall in love with. I couldn't even picture anyone daydreaming about me. I'm not sporty, or approachable, or even pretty. I don't know. I never see myself as one of those girls that boys are going crazy about. I can never mean more than a friend to Calum. But as much as I want him to know what he means to me, I'm way beyond afraid to let him know the truth. He can't know I'm in love with him. These feelings need to fade away. I haven't felt this kind of feeling before, and no matter how good it is, it has to end.

I sat back down at her bed and smiled at her. I had been staying at Stella's house since this morning since she skipped school today as well. It has been only a week since we met, but she had been really nice to me. It wasn't that hard for me to get along with her. She seemed so easy to trust. But still, I couldn't let my walls down.

"Calum." I uttered.

She grinned at me. "So? What did he say?"

I bit my lip as I recall the conversation we just had. It was short but I admit I was smiling the whole time.

"He said he wanted to uhm- he wanted to hang out, something like that." I replied.

"He's asking you out?" Stella gasped and covered her mouth. I laughed at her reaction. Maybe because I'm not really used to this kind of thing. This is maybe how girls talk about the boys they like. Oh well.

"I guess so?" I said, shrugging.

"Then what did you say?" She moved closer to me, obviously curious about everything. "Don't tell me you turned him down."

"Of course I said yes?" I said with a light laugh.

Stella squealed and covered her mouth once again. She stood up and before she could manage to start jumping, I reached for her arms and stopped her.

"Jeez, Stel, calm down!" I pulled her back and laughed. "It's not like we haven't been hanging out before."

"What do you mean?"

I don't want to lie. It kills me somehow to do it but I have to. I have dragged a lot of people into this crap and it saddens me that some of them happens to mean something to me. Stella is the first girl I could ever call my friend. I couldn't be thankful enough to have her, even if we're truly different. She doesn't treat me like everyone does. And now I have to lie, even at her. I wish I could just make this stop. But I started it, remember? I still have to lie. I still have to pretend. This is getting harder than I thought. I want to stop it, but I just don't know how.

I took a breath and looked at her. "He's my boyfriend. For a month now, I guess."

"How come I didn't know you guys were together?" Stella furrowed his eyebrows. "So what now?"

I smiled at her, somehow relieved that she decided to change the subject. I don't want to talk about the whole pretending thing. I might ran out of words to say.

"I think I must go now." I stated as I stood up. She did the same thing.

"There's no way you're going out of that door looking like that, Walsh." She stated and I laughed. She sounded so much like Luke. That boy calls me Walsh a lot, rather than my first name.

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