Last Hope (Kellin Quinn) {Book 3}

13. bridges

A/N: Warning, this is a very short/blunt chapter because that's how these situations can be. Or I couldn't write much because it honestly hurt to write. I don't think that this needs a trigger warning. Enjoy guys.

Bridges

Song: Let Her Go by Passenger

Everything you touch surely dies… Only know you've been high when you're feeling low…

~Summer~

It was a slow progression, but I got there sooner rather than later.

It started to show when I saw my daughters only three or four times a week instead of six. Or maybe it was when Scarlett went back home to be with her real mom and her real mom's husband. Instead of playing with the girls and having them cuddle with me on my hospital bed they stayed next to their father, who always sat in a chair against the wall by the door. I stopped smiling whenever they came in because not only am I missing out on so much, but they're scared off me too. 

It started to take over me when Aurora would come to visit, or when Blu would FaceTime or call me. Des never came to visit me. Zack, Ian, and… Trent and Steve never called to see how I was. The band that just started was no more again, all because I've been in the hospital for a few months. I figured that's why the guys didn't want to see or talk to me. 

It became a big part of me when I found out I'm sicker than we all thought. I couldn't leave the hospital anymore, not without a nurse. I quit smiling all together because there's really no need to smile anymore. I'm supposedly dying within the next four to seven months. 

Kellin didn't want to be in the room anymore, or maybe I didn't want him in the room anymore, because he became a crier. I told him, bitterly, that he needs to suck it up for his children and finally go on tour for his fans. Sleeping With Sirens now has a tour in a couple weeks and Della and Allix will be with their grandma in Michigan for awhile. 

And my mom and sister? They're to busy these days. My sister is more than busy with work. I'm not too sure about my mom. 

The day I first noticed it was one ill never forget. It was the day I got rid of all my hair. I shaved it all off, with some help from Kellin, before it all fell off. Once the action was completed I made Kellin leave the restroom attached to my hospital room. I cried, at first because I thought I was ugly; gross, bald, sick, and ugly. But I couldn't care less about my outer image anymore. I realized I was crying because I shaved all my fucking hair off. And it made the cancer, that was taking over my being, seem so much more real. 

Today, though, is going to be the best day in months. After begging and begging and begging, I'm going home. Back to California. Why? Because this little three day trip will be my goodbye trip. I'm going to say goodbye to all the people who can't (or won't) come to Oregon to say goodbye to me. 

Of course there are some downsides to this trip. I had to wake up at six in the morning. The nurse who is coming along with me (I can't go alone I guess) is quite frankly a bitch. You know, the usual. 

I bet by now you are wondering, "What is it?"

Well, instead of explaining it, I'll just tell you that you'll have to wait and find out. Now, if you will excuse me I have a plane to catch, and I have to make sure me and my cancer get on safely. 

----

And three days later, nothing has changed. I was still tired, sick, and waiting. But I'm still able to tell you this story even if I'm somewhere else now. 

I kept telling Blu, Sierra, and my mom /goodbye/, but they didn't understand. They thought that it wasn't a real goodbye, it was just a /see you later/ type of thing. It wasn't. 

Day one in California was fine. My nurse was very nosy during family dinners, but it's not like I could have kicked her out of my mom's house. She was the one keeping me okay. My daughters were less afraid of their ill mother now that she was out of a hospital bed and put a wig on to hide her bald head. They played with me, Barbies and Monster High games with their dolls like before. Kellin gave an old necklace that he got from his mom. I promised I'd wear it, but it's still the trunk of my mom's spare car right now, along with five notes, all directed to different people. It's only been a few minutes, or hours for all I know, though. 

The second and third days were no different. Except for the night of the last day. While my nurse slept in the guest room of my mom's house, and Mom slept in her own room, I snuck out of my old bedroom and got into Mom's car, the one she doesn't use. 

I've been paying careful attention to how to get around with all my equipment. I didn't have the nurse with me, so I had to be even more careful for the moment. I drove slowly to the bridge. I parked close, got out, and made my way to the edge.

I sat on the short concrete wall of the bridge, facing the water. I removed all the tubes from my body. All the needles from my skin. The cords from my face. Then, I waited. I waited for my breathing to slow from lack of help. I thought about my life while I fought my heavy eyelids. I didn't win though. My eyes shut and I went into a trance. I wasn't awake anymore, but I wasn't sleeping. And then I was falling. And the last face I remember seeing was Kellin's small, seventeen year old face. I was swallowed by the water easily, and that was that for me.

All I can say is that I can't wait for the day my true love will come and join me in this blissful new world. I just hope that day isn't soon. He has a special spark in his life. It needs to keep him going.