anecdote

Nothing Ever Feels 'Pho Real'

In the middle of the dim lit Vietnamese restaurant, I sit across from my best friend A and her current man. I check my phone. 1:45 AM. Fuck I guess I'll be missing another day of class. I pretend I'm not having a mild panic attack and wiggle my way into their conversation. Must. Distract. My. Subconscious. Quite frankly I hate restaurants. I hate the loud noises of dishes clattering and forks and knives scraping against them. The ominous thought drowning sound of people rambling, keeping their cool, not freaking out like me. I hate that I can't understand a word anyone is saying. I hate that I'm once again the third wheel for the fourth time this week. I hate that he won't text me back yet he still has time to post a video of him doing impressions of whatever ethnic group he can get away with impersonating without seeming too politically incorrect. I hate all of this. Shit, they noticed I've paused mid sentence, I have to snap back into reality. "So basically I said, 4 am is no longer 4am...it's fuck o'clock!" Her boyfriend bursts out in laughter, I smirk and try to continue the story without getting distracted in my thoughts again. But how can I not? How can I focus when I'm out of meds, the only thing that keeps me from ripping off my shirt,screaming bloody murder and violently burst out into snot filled tears. His laughter stops and I turn back to look in his direction. "So, did HE finally text you back?" her
boyfriend playfully whispers. The "He" he was referencing is not the "he" I was wishing wouldn't ignore me. The "he" he was mentioning was the guy who I exchanged numbers with 45 minutes earlier in the sex shop. Quite frankly I don't care if he ever texts me. But they always do. I glance at my phone once more and see a notification. "Hey ;)". It was sex shop boy. I flash my phone screen at them and smirk. "Well of course he did, only a fool wouldn't try to get with a dime like me!" The table erupted again in laughter but the only thing funny about that statement was that I was being completely sarcastic and they were gullible to believe I had an ounce of real self-esteem in me. Truth be told I only attract fools. But misery loves company so I respond. "Miss Me Already ;)?". I disgust myself. "So are you going to show him a little something something about sex, Sam?" A jokingly utters as she leans in to take a sip of her bubble tea. Yeah. I'm going to teach him that I'm damaged and let him think he is having his way with me and then teach him what it's like to encounter a girl who has no moral backbone and remind him why he misses his ex so much. I keep those thoughts to myself. Keep it vague Samantha. "Yeah baby I'm going to teach him a lot of things" I force laugh and wink at her. A nods and winks back before returning to her conversation with her boy toy. My smile fades and I return back to staring at my phone screen. No new notifications. Unless you count the notifications from the local Fuckboy's that's blow up my phone nightly...so let me rephrase that. No new notable notifications. If I could add one feature to my phone it would be having a spam filter. Because quite frankly I don't care that I have 12 new tinder messages or that "Tony thinks my tits look totally hot in my flannel." All I care about is if he will finally respond to my text. 2:15 AM. He still hasn't responded. But oh joy, he has posted two more fucking stories of him on another social media app. If you're going to ignore someone at least you can have the common decency to refrain from blowing up every app with how bored you are. If you even care about me. If you ever cared about me. The restaurant seems to get louder. But no one new has entered. I feel mild relief finally understanding some of the conversations until I realize the voice that speaking is mine. My subconscious is tired of being ignored. I close my eyes and place my my head into my palm. My foot nervously twitches against the back of the leg of the table. Luckily A is too enthralled with whatever boy toy is saying to notice that I'm literally spiralling into a psychotic breakdown. What best friends I have...