What Happened To My Little Lion?

The Truth About Phil

DAN'S P.O.V

       Today, 3 weeks after the..."incident", I got to bring Phil home. The nurse from before took me aside and told me that he had refused to see a psychologist and he was still eating next to nothing but that they could no longer keep him in the hospital. I was told to keep a close eye on him and make sure he started eating again. I had continued to see Phil regularly and I had already noticed his lack of eating in the hospital as well. In his hospital gown, he seemed to be only skin and bones, a sight which terrified me but I had to keep calm, for his sake.

       When we got back to the flat, together, he smiled a little. I think he was glad to be back in a place he was comfortable in. I had tidied the place up and furiously scrubbed away at the blood outside the bathroom. While that patch of carpet was a lot darker than the rest of it, nobody would notice it being there, unless they started looking for a difference in the carpet colour. The razor I cleaned off and I threw out. Phil, of course, was upset when I told him but he then went silent and wanted to talk about something else. I think he's planning on getting something else to use, so I'll have to be careful.

       It's been about 2 hours and a bit since he got home. Straight away he went to his room and unpacked, showered and got changed. I let him sleep for a while but now it was time. I had to know the truth.

PHIL'S P.O.V

       I had been awake for about half an hour. Sitting in bed, I looked at my laptop screen while hugging Lion and just browsed at some Phan pictures. Our fans were strange but the thought of Dan and I being together made me smile, even though I knew it would never be.

       I heard a knock at my door and watched as Dan poked his head in, smiled, then fully entered the room. Without saying a word he sat by me and looked at the Tumblr posts I was looking at previously, laughing as I scrolled down. It was weird that he didn't question me searching this up but I figured he thought it was on my home feed already. Eventually he sat up straight and looked me in the eye.

       "So Phil...How are you feeling?" He asked, still smiling but his eyes said it all. He looked tired and concerned and I could tell there was something else on his mind.

       "I'm alright I guess." I said. "It's good to be back. No more nagging from the nurses."

       "Yeah." He chuckled but then he frowned and looked away. "Phil...I think it's time we talked."

       "I know..." I gulped. I had been imagining this moment for a while now, dreading it more and more as time went on. But after what happened I knew I couldn't keep it from him any longer. "Dan, there's a lot to tell, a lot that you might not like, so I'd like it if you stayed quiet and let me talk and then ask me anything you need to when I'm finished.

       He nodded, and crossed his legs on the bed. He looked at me and waited for me to begin. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was now or never. I had to tell him the truth...MY truth.

       "Dan...A few years ago, before I met you, I lived with my parents. I had no job, no money and wasn't doing great in uni. My parents were unhappy with me enough as it was but then, one day at uni, I discovered something. I met a boy doing another course in the same uni. We got talking and eventually started hanging out every day, having a great time. But then I got these feelings. I couldn't help but think how attractive he was and how his laugh was adorable and the way his eyes sparkled..." I gulped, but still Dan sat there, obediently waiting. "I didn't like these feelings, because I had never known them before, so I tried to stay away from him, but this only made me miss him and it only amplified the feelings...I tried to talk to my dad about it, but he didn't receive it well."

       My eyes started to tear up at the memory of every argument and fight. Of every nightmare that has occurred since.

       "He figured out before I did that I....was gay. He told me that being gay was wrong and that I was a disgrace to the family. He told me I was worthless and pathetic before storming off and leaving me in my room. The next day I went to the boy I liked and told him that I found out I was gay, while crying to him about my father. As soon as I told him he ran off and told some other boys in my course. All of them started shouting and sneering at me whenever I walked past, and this only escalated until one day they cornered me and beat me up. I went home crying that day only to have my father call me a coward and tell me he couldn't believe he had me for a son. He told me that I wasn't his son anymore and disowned me before kicking me out." Dan's eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. I think he was near to crying and my tears finally started rolling down my cheeks. "I managed to keep one friend though, who took me in and helped me. I got a job at his dad's store and I somehow scraped through uni, even though I was still getting beat up and bullied. By this time I had met you and made my YouTube channel and the rest is history. Though you inviting me to live with you could not have been better as my "friend" slowly grew irritated with me "scrounging" off of him and told me to find somewhere else to live. That's why I never talk about my parents and why you have never met them." I finished and nodded to him to indicate that he could ask questions now. He wiped his eyes before starting to talk.

       "Does that mean that you haven't been happy all these years?" He asked first.

       "No!" I protested. "I was happy because you were there for me and you, unknowingly, helped me get better and gain confidence. You made me happy for the first time in months."

       "So...why didn't you tell me you were gay?"

       "I didn't tell you because I had formed such a bond with you that I was scared you would kick me out too. Or abuse me. I didn't want to lose you..." I looked away from him. I had kept this secret so many years and now it was out. I subconsciously tensed up, expecting a beating or for him to start shouting at me. Instead he threw his arms around me and gave me another tight hug.

       "Phil...I don't care if you're gay. You're my best friend and I would never hurt you. I don't want to lose you either!" He pulled away and smiled at me, as I sniffed and wiped away my tears. "One more question...if this was so many years ago and you were happy to begin with...why have you started getting depressed about it now?"

       "Well...a month or so ago, someone started messaging me on YouTube, saying they knew what I was. At first I ignored it but then it got worse as I got more messages from various people, telling me to go kill myself and telling me that I was sick in the head for being gay. I never answered back but slowly I started believing them and then I started...y'know." He nodded again. "I didn't tell you but somehow one of them found out our address and started sending letters as well, and vandalizing the door…"

       "That's what that was?!"

       "Yeah...I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. But I swear, when you found me 3 weeks ago, that wasn't a suicide attempt. I intentionally smashed my head open, yes, but I only meant to injure myself, not get myself into hospital." He looked down, unsure what to say but I just hugged him. No words were really needed because I knew the memory of it was flooding back into his mind and playing out all over again. "And that is all there is to it...so how about we go to the living-room and watch some TV? Give it some time to sink in before talking about it again?"

       "....Yeah." He finally muttered. "Okay." We pulled away and started moving towards the door. Dan leading but before he opened the door he turned around. "Phil....I have something to say, since we're getting this all out in the open..."

       "Okay?" I looked at him confused. He looked right at me and I could tell he was unsure about saying whatever it was, but there was no going back now.

       "Phil....I think...I'm bi-sexual."