Into the Dark (ORIGINAL AND UNEDITED EDITON)

Nineteen

The park was a good idea. Large and busy and with easy means of escape if I needed to run. Which is ridiculous. As if I could run away from Jake's three-year-old son.

Jake had suggested it because he said it might be easier to introduce us if we were in neutral territory, and on neutral ground. It was a lovely day for it too. So we had agreed to meet by the pond, near the gazebo. He was coming straight here after picking him up from his mothers and I would arrive a bit later with the picnic. And it was a proper picnic. An assortment of wrapped food inside an actual wicker basket, with a blanket on top. I'd packed fruit and sandwiches and some kid's drinks and yoghurts that Caleb will probably be allergic to. Why didn't I as Jake what he was allergic to? I'll need to know that going forward. I'm certain Jake would have told me if there was anything that might harm him, and since I hadn't brought any brussel sprouts hopefully it would all work out okay.

The park is busy, mainly because it's sunny and warm, but also because it's Saturday afternoon and most Londoners went to parks on Saturday afternoons. I parked the car a few streets over, not too far away but the weight of the basket and the heat from the sun beats down on me, adding to my ever increasing heart rate. On the upside though it warms my skin and relaxes some of the tension in my anxious bones.

London smells nice in summer. In a different way to how France smells, but nice still. Especially in parks and at home in Shere where the lack of traffic means the scent of flowers and trees permeates the air deliciously. He suggested I take the east entrance into the park, closer to where the gazebo is and walk for five minutes around the edge and then follow the signs for the pond. I'd been to Hyde park lots of times but it's huge and sprawling and I always lose my bearings under the trees. Since Jake clearly knows it well, I follow his directions to the letter and after a short walk, I reach the duck pond.

The pond itself is heaving with ducks and swans and those little pedal boats people like to peddle around in circles pointlessly. I stop and look around the circumference of the large oval pond, halting my gaze over any adult and their accompanying child. He would be on this side I imagine, near to where the trees open up and the eastern path leads up to it. It takes me a few moments to spot them, but when I do I stop short on the spot, immobile as I take in the sight. Jake, dressed in a navy T-shirt, light blue shorts and blue trainers with clear rimmed wayfarers hiding his eyes, attempts to tackle a ball from Caleb, who tries some fancy foot trick to turn the ball away from Jake and succeeds. Caleb is dressed very similarly but in a white T-shirt and a baseball cap both with the colourful superman logo emblazoned across both.

I'm smiling hard as I watch the scene play out a small distance away. Despite Caleb's fancy footwork, Jake towers over his little form and could easily steal the ball with a quick flick of his feet. However, Jake pretends to be unable to tackle the football from Caleb for a few moments more, before turning one way and then the next and dropping to the ground. As he pretends to be hurt from Caleb's tackle, holding his knee and pressing his head into the grass, Caleb jumps on him, hitting his tiny fist playfully off his back.

Jake plays injured for a few moments more before he lifts his head and roars at him, sticking his fists up in a fake boxing stance, which causes Caleb to erupt into a fit of giggles. Watching them together makes me feel all sorts of things. Love and pride, admiration and wonderment.  It makes me think about the child I have growing inside me and it confirms exactly what kind of father he'll make.

He has a broken relationship with Caleb's mother but it hasn't lessened his need to love and cherish his child. When I do finally tell him about it then I know he won't be scared and afraid because he already knows how to be a good father. In fact I'll need him to show me how to be a good mother.