Dauntless

Dauntless: Uh oh

I'm scared.
It's not a word I normally used, I'm Dauntless, I don't fear anything.
Until now.
I shifted uneasily, mentally calculating the days in my head, knowing I have to be off, wrong; I'm bad with numbers after all.
Uh oh.
No, no I know I'm late.
It's been over a month.
I'm still way too young for menapause.
Which means....
Maybe I'm dying?
Dying would be preferable to the alternative.
Sure, Eric and I weren't exactly careful every single time but... shit.
I chewed my lip, starting to pace the expanse of my room unhappily. I had missed a period, which could be for a number of reasons, not just.... that.
Although the nausea would make sense.
No.
No fucking way!
I refused to even think the word! I wasn't dumb enough to let that happen, and I sure as shit wasn't cut out to be Anyone's parent!
Nope!
No, no, no ----.
Shit I have to know!
I turned on my heel, bolting for my door and striding for the infirmary; how could I get one of those tests without anyone knowing? I didn't want to ask for one and the doctors give me a pitying look or say something to someone they shouldn't; it's no secret Eric and I are together and I don't want the news getting to him until I know what to do.
With.... the possibility.
Because I didn't know if I was or not.
Probably wasn't.
I overreact a lot, it's one of my talents.
Dramatic, as Eric says, like he's any better.
I hesitated as I near the infirmary doors, my steps faltering as my brain started to figure out different plans.
It could just be empty.
I could just suspend myself from the ceiling via ropes and systematically take every single person inside out and nab a test.
Or just ask someone else to get it for me and kill them afterwards.
Toxic gas bomb?
A plague?
Blindness?
Some kind of freak bird attack?
Oh jeez.
I felt sick.
I stopped in front of the infirmary doors, my hand hovering in front of the handle.
I was terrified to know the answer, I wasn't ready for something like this. I didn't want to be the first of my friends to be stupid and get knocked up by the most arrogant prick alive.
Eric didn't even want kids, he hated them. He grumbled constantly about having to deal with them or see them in the pit.
Ugh.
I had to do this, I had to know for myself.
Even if I didn't tell him.
I took a deep breath, and then slowly nudged the door open, peering inside to see --- fuck yeah its Empty!
I stepped quickly inside, leaning back against the door as I scanned the room, wondering where they'd keep the damned test.
Hmm.
Where the hell were the doctors anyway? Normally they were attached to one of the beds, which all have curtains drawn around them currently.
I pursed my lips, then gingerly trotted forward, trying to keep my steps light and silent, so much I was barely inching forward, my eyes on the glass cabinets.
Did they come in boxes?
I knew they looked like thermometers.
Sort of.
Hmm.
I began pilfering through the cabinets, shoving medical junk out of the way as I searched. I tensed as I heard laughter from outside the door, and I quickened my pace, relieved when I finally found them.
Jackpot!
I jerked the suspicious box out of the cabinet just as the double doors opened, hastily hiding it behind my back.
The two doctors blinked at me as they stepped inside, carrying trays that told me they'd gone off for lunch.
"Camille." One of them greeted, sitting their tray down. "Do you need something?"
"Uh..." My eyes trailed to the open cabinets. "I --- yes. I did. I needed --- scissors." I finished lamely, reaching for the metal pair on the counter and waving them awkwardly. "To, um, cut something. Which I did. So I --- don't need anything now."
"Uh. Okay."
"Heh. Nice infirmary," I complimented, closing the cabinets I'd left open in my search and dropping the scissors onto some papers, shoving the long box into my back pocket. "So nice and cold, very clean. Are those new floors?"
I had to stop rambling and get the fuck out of there already. I was mentally cringing at myself as I inched my way out, keeping my front to them.
I was pretty sure they thought I'd lost my mind by the time I left.
They weren't far off.
I let my breath go, and made a beeline for my apartment, slipping through the abandoned hallways, relieved everyone was at lunch.
I didn't want to have to explain myself.
That Hadnt Worked Out So Far.
I shut my door behind me, sprinting for the fridge and quickly jerking a bottle of water out, chugging two of them before I felt the need to pee.
Right.
Now how do I do this?
I stalked for the bathroom, ripping the test out of its box and staring at the instructions, shifting nervously.
I could take this and know for sure, alleviate my fears or make them worse. I felt sick at the thought of it, like everything was shaking and about to explode around me.
I didn't want this, I wasn't ready, I had so much left to do!
This wasn't fair!
Suck it up!
I had to do this!
I'd never be patient enough to wait and see if I just got fat.
I pep talked myself for a few more minutes before I ever took the test, and even then I left it in the bathroom, not wanting to look.
I didn't want to know.
This could mean the end of Eric and my relationship.
For real this time.
Fuck, who was I kidding?
We didn't even have a relationship. We just fucked pretty constantly, it probably wouldn't surprise anyone if I ended up having his.... evil spawn.
I chewed my lip, pacing back and forth again, tugging at the ends of my hair.
It's not true.
Was I dreaming?
Having a hullucination?
Maybe I was going psychotic.
That would make sense.
I certainly felt it.
I looked anxiously at the bathroom, and then hesitantly peeked inside at the test on my sink, staring at it like it was some kind of rat.
I didn't even want to touch it.
I hedged a little closer uncertainly.
Ehhh.....
Wait.
What did the lines even mean?
Fuck, what did I do with the papers!?
Dammit!
I scrambled, finding the box and the papers still inside. I tossed the box out of my way, scanning the instructions.
Okay, so if it has two little pink lines it means the end of the world, and blue means to stop panicking.
Cool.
I dropped the papers, staring down intently at the test.
Blue.
Those are so blue.
They're not pink at all, so blue it's like, like the sky blue, and, and ---.
Oh fuck.
Those were so pink.
I stared at the test, and it's like I could feel myself starting to crack. I tried to fight the hotness in my eyes, my hands curling tightly around the porcelain sink. I was.... my chest hurt... I couldn't.
I dug my teeth deeply into my lower lip, sniffling, brushing quickly at my eyes and praying Eric didn't come home to the apartment we shared together.
If he found out about this he'd kill me, or worse, break up with me. I'd just gotten him to ask me out, to accept and make official that we were a couple, and now ---!
I exhaled heavily, my black hair falling forward as I let my head hang down.
What have I done?
~~~~~
I needed to tell Eric, or --- someone. I felt like the knowledge was burning a hole through my chest, the words were just on the tip of my tongue, ready to be blurted out.
Tori was my best friend, should I tell her? Oh, but she hated Eric as much as anyone else, she still couldn't understand why I was even with him!
I didn't even understand why I was with him!
Oh!
I tugged nervously at the ends of my hair, which I'd left loose today as it walked with a few other Dauntless toward the training center.
I needed to let off some steam.
Maybe if I worked out so much I gave myself a heart attack I'd be fine.
Yes.
Death was so the answer right now.
I sighed, rubbing my eyes, feeling them sore and bloodshot from my pathetic cry fest in the bathroom earlier.
At least Eric was preoccupied doing evil shit while I had my mental breakdown, it would've been embarrassing for him to see me that way.
And then I'd have to've explained and I wasn't ready for that yet. Like, I couldn't exactly be that far along, I'd just missed one period by two weeks. And of all the times I could be... what I was... Why now?
Why couldn't it have waited?
Eric and I were good, amazing really. This was the first time we'd just been content with each other, especially since I'd moved in with him and everyone knew we were really together.
My friends gave me shit for it, Eric was the most unlikable person ever born, but I loved him.
But I didn't know if he loved me back.
What if he didn't?
What if this ruined what we had?
What if he... wanted me to get rid of it?
Would I?
Could I?
Did I want too?
I wasn't sure!
It didn't seem real at all!
Maybe I should go to the doctors, let them do some tests and completely confirm it before I told Eric, before my utter panic got the best of me.
Um.
Okay, maybe that's where I should head immediately then.
I hesitated, seeing the hallway to turn for the infirmary coming up, whereas if I went straight, I would head for the training quarters.
I kept in pace with the other Dauntless, my eyes on the hallway, watching it get closer and closer.
I finally parted from them, taking a step into the hall before going tense.
Oh shit!
My eyes went wide as I saw Eric walking the hall --- what the fuck was he doing walking with Four?
It looked like they were talking about something serious --- did they come from the infirmary?
Shit, if I went down that way, Eric would totally Know!
Shit shit shit!
Nope!
I ran.
I've never run from anything in my life, I sure as hell never backed down, but just this once --- I couldn't face him, not yet anyway.
I bolted as fast as I fucking could, and I hoped he didn't see me.
I'm sure my expression was probably memorable.
I wasn't sure where to go, so I just kept going, eventually finding my way up the stairs, my heels clanging loudly against the metal. I didn't waste any time making it to the roof, my heart pounding in my ears when I finally felt the sun on my face.
I huffed, taking a few steps, raising my eyes to the painfully bright blue sky above me. my chest moved heavily as I kept looking up, telling myself not to panic, that it was going to be perfectly fine.
that I wasn't scared at all.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Nothing at all.
Eric wouldn't pitch a fit, scream and yell or have a mental breakdown. He wouldn't be coldly silent and distant, telling me to just get rid of it.
He wouldn't ---.
"Camille?"
Shit.
I sniffled, hastily moping at my damp eyes as I heard the roof door open. I recognized Zekes voice, but I didn't answer, keeping my back to him.
Dauntless didn't show weakness, we couldn't.
I couldn't.
"Camille? What's going on?" Zekes voice grew closer, and I chewed the inside of my lip unhappily.
"Camille!" Zeke sounded a little irritated as he stepped up beside me, but I ignored him, staring intently out over the city, watching the train in the distance.
"What?" I finally muttered when he didn't go away, just stood staring at me. His eyes no doubt noticed how bloodshot mine were, how redness stained my cheeks.
"What's going on?" He asked, reaching for my hand. "Are you okay? Why is Eric looking for you?"
Probably because I ran from him.
"I'm his girlfriend, why wouldn't he want to know where I am?" I mumbled, pulling out of his grasp, my hands absolutely freezing.
My nerves always did that.
Zeke stared at me, one of the few other friends I had. My eyes traced the snake tattoo on his skull before I looked away, studying my feet.
Him and Tori, the two people I found I really trusted. I didn't discuss my relationship with Eric with them, or anyone for that matter, because it wasn't anyone's business.
But they were my friends.
And I didn't know what to do, and I was absolutely terrified at how angry Eric was going to be. I didn't want to tell him at all, but I knew I couldn't keep it to myself!
Oh!
I blinked quickly, trying to stop the heavy tears in my eyes but they started to fall anyway. I hated them, I hated how they ran down my cheeks, how weak they made me.
I pressed my hands against my face quickly, my hair flowing down off my shoulders. I clenched my jaw, trying to not make a sound, trying to gather myself, but I, but I ---.
He'd hate me.
Eric would hate me and I'd lose him.
And he was the first little bit of happiness I'd had in a long time.
My family was dead, I'd killed my own brother defending Eric when we'd been kidnapped by the factionless, I would give my life for him.
But I wouldn't give our child's.
Not our child's.
Our baby.
My baby.
"Camille..."
I felt Zekes arms close around me after a moment, his hand running through my hair as I pressed my face into his shoulder. He didn't say a word, he just let me cry and get snot all over him for a few minutes.
I'd never appreciated him more.
He rocked me a little, and I wound my arms around his neck, clinging to him. His arms tightened around me, and I felt him sigh.
I shouldn't be crying on Zeke, but I couldn't help it. Eric would probably die if he saw us together, but I didn't expect him to come busting through the doors any time soon.
Maybe I was overreacting, maybe Eric wouldn't hate me, he would accept what I had to tell him.
I hoped.
I didn't say anything as I pulled away from Zeke, mopping at my eyes.
Well this was embarrassing.
"Better?" Zeke asked after a moment, and I nodded.
"You ready to see Eric?"
I shook my head.
"Okay. You wanna sit up here a little bit?"
That sounded nice.
I sat heavily against the wall, Zeke joining me. He didn't ask what was wrong, he just sat with me in a comfortable silence, letting me lean my head against his shoulder.
It was nice to just sit like this with with a friend for a few minutes, not think about anything, just.... sit.
But I couldn't sit forever.
I had to go find Eric, I had to tell him.
He must have seen me run from him.
Plus it was getting late, and I'd never been one for hiding too long.
I swallowed.
time to see how shitty my future was going to be.
~~~~~~
The lights were off.
I hovered anxiously in the doorway of our apartment, my hand poised on the light switch.
Don't be a baby.
Do it.
Turn on the lights.
I took a deep breath, feeling it scald my lungs as I turned the lights on.
Oh.
I frowned, relaxing a little when Eric didn't immediately just pop out of a corner and try to kill me.
"Eric?" I called, irritated at how meek I sounded. I shut the door behind me, unsure if he was here or not.
I chewed my lip as I stepped into the kitchen, scanning nervously for signs of life. The jacket I'd bought him was on the back of a kitchen chair, and I knew he'd been wearing it earlier, it was his favorite.
"Er --- jeez! Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack?" I gasped, staring at him as he suddenly appeared out of thin air.
I pressed my hand against my chest, feeling my heart slam into my ribs over and over again, as if it was trying to take flight right out of my body.
I hated it when he did that!
That's why I'd been looking around!
I cut my eyes at him, seeing he was just standing there, looking at me.
Oh boy.
I straightened slowly, my entire body tense as I looked at him. I was prepared to run, I was in fight or flight mode once more --- except this time I was heading straight for a window.
Make it quick.
Yep.
That's what I was gonna do.
"Eric?" I asked nervously when he just stood there, studying me with beady eyes.
He was frowning, his tattoos looking darker against his skin in the lighting, piercings gleaming.
"Why did you run from me today?"
"Me? I don't run from anything," I scoffed, shakily taking a step back, making sure the table was between us.
He'd really have to work for it if he wanted to strangle me.
"You took one look at me and ran in the other direction." Eric narrowed those pretty eyes at me, stepping up to the table, making it impossible to dart around in either direction. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
...
Shit.
Did he know!?
Is it possible ---?
No, no way! I just found out today! He couldn't know at all!
Fucker.
"You want to tell me why you were in the infirmary today?" Eric asked softly, and for a few seconds I couldn't move.
He knew.
He so fucking knew, didn't he!?
My chest hurt so badly, it felt like someone was twisting a knife inside. I reached back, grabbing onto the counter tightly, suddenly having a hard time.
He was going to hate me --- he was all I had left and he was going to hate me!
I was suddenly finding it hard to breathe, to see --- I knew I was shaking, but my vision was going gray and my hands were damp and ---.
"Camille! Shit, baby, breathe!"
Huh?
I felt his hands close around my face, and I blinked a couple times, realizing I was gasping for breath, my lungs burning, and I felt incredibly light headed.
What the --- did I give myself a panic attack?
"It's okay, it's okay," Eric said quickly, brushing my hair out of my face, caressing my damp cheeks with his thumbs. "Camille, breathe."
I ---.
No!
I didn't want too!
"You're going to hate me," I heard myself say, feeling him wiping constantly at my cheeks as I closed my eyes, shuddering.
I leaned heavily into the counter, Eric in front of me, his eyes soft and genuinely worried for me now.
Soon that would change, the care would change to shock and then anger, we'd have a massive argument and he'd leave me. I'd be alone raising a child just like my mother had been, I'd have no one again.
I didn't want to go back to that, not after I'd had a taste of living again, of letting myself care for someone.
"Camille, baby, what's wrong?" Eric demanded. "Are you sick? Is that why you were in the infirmary? The doctors said you just ran out earlier ---."
So he didn't know.
I wanted to curl up into a ball, melt down into the floor and disappear!
"You'll hate me!" I gasped, but he shook his head, caressing my cheeks.
"I could never hate you, Camille."
He said that now.
Stupid ass.
I shook my head, burying my face into my hands.
He would leave me!
I didn't want to tell him!
"I'm so sorry!" I wept, starting to hunch, unable to help it. I didn't want to be alone again, to not be able to trust anyone --- Eric was the only one I had, he knew everything about me and he cared about me as much as I did him --- I thought so anyway.
"I didn't mean for it to happen, I, I don't know where I messed up, we - we ---."
"Camille," Eric sighed heavily, shaking his head as he brushed constantly at my face, my tears running against his long fingers. "It's alright!"
"No its not! You don't know ---!"
"I do know," he interrupted me, his voice serious, and I went silent instantly, my eyes widening in horror.
He did?
Oh no!
"I found the box in the bathroom, Camille," he said after a moment, brushing at my damp hair. "You don't exactly cover your tracks well."
I went still, just looking at him.
I felt like I was choking.
"Are you?" He asked after a moment, eyes finding mine. "Are you sure?"
I nodded slowly.
I definitely didn't have any doubts.
Eric took a deep breath, and I knew in that moment I was going to lose everything, that everything I had was about to be gone.
"Okay. Then we need to make plans."
He hated me! I knew it, he wanted me out, he --- wait.
What?
"Plans?" I rasped in surprise, a stupid look on my face as I stared at him like he'd lost his mind.
"Yes. Plans. You can't go on missions anymore, you're sure as hell not going to be training intiates."
I frowned.
What....
"Are you not mad?" I asked, my lashes wet as I looked up. "You don't want me to leave and throw myself off the train?"
"Not unless you really want too."
I scowled at him.
Asshole!
"Eric!"
He actually chuckled!
"Camille, we've been together for almost a year now, we have a place together, everyone fears the ground we walk on. If we can fight factionless, be kidnapped and tortured, get shot over and over again --- we can, yknow, probably have a decent kid together."
I think I must have died somewhere. Like, did I really throw myself off the roof earlier?
Was Eric serious?
Why was he so accepting of this? Uh uh, no, something was up.
"Why aren't you more surprised?" I demanded, wrenching out of his grasp and putting some distance between us. I did not agonize all day for nothing! "Why aren't you mad or saying I'm ruining your life?"
"Trust me, when I found the box I was pissed as fuck." Eric crossed his arms, watching me. "I don't want a kid, I'm selfish, you're the only other person I give a fuck about. I'll be a terrible father, I'm an asshole and I fully intend on working my way to leading Dauntless. But... well, having a kid isn't exactly going to change my plans, and without you with me they sort of lose appeal."
I think the world was tilting on its axis.
"Camille," Eric sighed, looking resigned as his hands closed around my arms. "Come on. You know I'm in fucking love with you, don't you?" His fingers brushed through my long hair. "I almost died trying to save you, and I don't give up my life for just anyone."
He could have punched me and not shaken me so badly. I knew I loved him, but I'd never said it because he hadn't. Did he mean it? Really?
"Eric." My voice was small, but he smirked at me, tweaking my nose.
"Stop being weak, Camille, people will think you're a push over."
I sniffled, batting his hand away; he knew that annoyed me.
"So you don't hate me? You're not going to leave me?"
Eric's face grew serious, his hands cupping my face and forcing me to look at him.
"I will never leave you," he told me, eyes darkening. "I will never make you leave, I will never want you to be anywhere that I'm not. You and whatever that spawn is that you're carrying, we're in this."
Spawn?
"You're such an asshole," I hiccuped, rubbing my eyes. "It's your stupid spawn!"
Eric smiled, and his soft lips found mine for a few moments before pulling back.
"I was upset when I found out," he said after a moment, eyes wandering from mine. "I never wanted kids, I don't want the responsibility. I felt like it would hold me back. But that's before your sassy ass became mildly important to me."
"I better be more then mild, asshole."
His lips twitched.
"I care about you, Camille, and I know I won't stop any time soon. You've been moody and whiny as fuck lately, so I figured something was wrong."
I have fucking not been moody!
"It was probably all the birthday sex," Eric sighed, ignoring me even when I pinched him for the shitty commentary. "One out of three finally did us in."
My cheeks tinged at the memory.
Yes, birthday sex had definitely been... memorable. And I knew for sure he started with a condom but the times afterward... no.
The more I thought about it, I was a little surprised this hadn't happened earlier.
I frowned, a thought niggling at the back of my mind.
"You didn't knock me up on purpose, did you?"
He snorted, leaning back on his heels. "Hell no! I don't want to share you with anyone else, I don't even like seeing you with Zeke."
True.
I frowned, crossing my arms and starting to feel silly for panicking so badly the entire day.
Oops.
I sighed.
"What are we going to do, Eric? I'm not... prepared, for this. I'm a soldier, not... not a mother."
I didn't even have a good role model to go by. My mother had tried to raise me and my brother well, but it's hard being a single parent with two bratty children.
"We'll figure this shit out," he told me, giving me a crooked grin. "It can't be that hard. It just cries and stuff in the beginning."
My frown increased. "I'm not staying up every night with it."
"We'll take turns. But, Camille, I'm serious. I'm getting you off patrols immediately, you're not going anywhere near the factionless. And no training or physical fighting, either, I won't risk it. And I don't think you should leave the compound...."
I started blocking him out after a moment, my hands roving down to press against my somewhat flat stomach.
I guess I could say the word now that Eric wasn't on a warpath.
I was pregnant.
I was going to actually have a baby.
A fucking drooling, screaming little terror.
With Eric.
We were going to have a baby.
I sucked in a tight breath, letting it go slowly. I supposed I'd need to see how far along I was, but I figured Eric was right, birthday sex.
Hell, I couldn't even say it hadn't been worth it.
Hrm.
"What will we even name it?" I asked, interrupting whatever list of rules Eric was currently reading off to me from the scroll in his brain; he'd probably been coming up with shit since before I'd even walked in.
Eric blinked. "Name it?"
"Mhmhmm. It's either a boy or a girl. What do you want?"
Not that he had much choice in the matter, the baby would be what it was.
I wasn't sure what I wanted.
As long as it was healthy? Isn't that what parents are supposed to say?
"I... don't know." Eric frowned, looking down at my stomach now. "I... haven't thought about it."
"Either way we're fucked I guess," I shook my head. "Look at the two of us. Obviously you don't want it taking after my side of the family."
"Not mine either." He grimaced.
Yeah, it was going to be a terror.
Wonderful.
~~~~~~
"Camille."
"Hmm?"
I was half asleep, snuggled back into Eric's beefy chest. He had his arms curled tightly around me, softly kissing my ear, his breath warm.
"You never told me you loved me too."
I sighed, forcing my exhausted eyes open.
Well.
"I don't, you're an asshole."
He huffed, and I exhaled unhappily as he rolled me onto my back, bracing himself over me and making me look and him.
He frowned down at me.
Idiot.
I propped myself onto my elbows, raising one hand to his cheek as I kissed him in the darkness, telling him with my lips instead of my words.
Of course I loved him.
"You know I love you too," I finally said, leaning back. "I've gotten shot too many times for you."
His fingers caressed my stomach through my shirt.
"No more putting yourself in danger," he murmured, nuzzling my cheek.
Right.
If that was even possible.
I hesitated, watching as Eric scooted down. He slowly lifted my shirt up, gazing down at my stomach for a few seconds before leaning down, pressing his lips against my skin.
It was like my bones turned to jelly.
"Eric..." I murmured, watching him. I don't think I had ever loved him as much as I did in that moment.
It might not work out, us being together with a baby might be a complete disaster, but...
Well, we were Dauntless.
We couldn't be afraid of our future.
Especially when it involved all three of us.