Stories Undone, Scars Unseen // Hamilton College AU

John (17)

Our babies are literally such idiots. enjoy. -L

I look around desperately. "Seriously, what aren't you guys telling me? I wasn't drunk, so how could I not remember this?"

"I guess that Alex isn't that memorable then, sweetheart," Thomas drawls.

Alex glares at him. "I have the answer, Washington! GWash! You ready? Personal dilemma beside, the answer is..."

I try and gently get him off my lap. I stand up, red in the face. "I need to go to the bathroom," I mutter, grabbing my bag and hightailing it out of there.

"Wait, John! Don't leave!" Alex desperately cries.

I can't look back. Not when I apparently ruined everything in the early hours of the morning.

I find myself curled up in my bed, back in my dorm. I had kissed him. How could I do this? There's no chance of getting him now, he probably thinks I'm some kind of... I dunno. Some guy who just throws their body onto others. I feel awful. I feel sick. Can I leave the school? No, too drastic.

I don't realize I'm crying until my pillow is wet and I'm shaking underneath the covers. How do I even apologize? I don't know how to start.

How could I do this?

How could I do this?

Now he thinks he doesn't matter to me, because I couldn't remember kissing him. Thankfully I remember now. Well, not really thankfully because I don't feel as bad when I remember the little sound he made when my lips found his, and how he just kind of melted under my hands...

This is exactly what I can't be thinking. I have no idea how I'm going to solve this.

The door flies open. Alex steps in, clutching his bag to his chest. "Hey, John. Just stopping by to get some coffee, you know? Heh. Lots of homework, lots of late night study sessions, not that I'm implying that we're staying up together. We saw how that worked out... Ha ha. Right? Anyway, I'm using your coffee. I'll find a way to pay you back. I promise."

"Don't," I croak. I realize how obvious it is that I've been crying, even though he can't see my face as it's turned to the wall. I clear my throat. "You don't have to pay me back."

"I want to, I promise. Anyway, I imagine I'm going to be a coffee addict. Might need to detox me eventually. So, yeah. I'll pay you back. And don't worry. I'm sleeping over at the Schuylers part one dorm. Angelica and Peggy are really awesome. So, don't worry about things being awkward. Just getting coffee. And then, I'll be out of your hair!" He laughs awkwardly before starting to fill up a cup.

I swipe at my eyes, turning over to face him. "No. I'm the one who messed up. Unless you're uncomfortable, like... around me... then you shouldn't move out."

"Oh, okay! That's great! I didn't really want to move out, and Angelica didn't really make the offer. Or Peggy. I was just going to show up with a pillow and a blanket and charm them with my best smile. This makes things easier. Want to talk about it?" He takes a long sip of his coffee, somehow unaware of how hot it probably is.

"I don't really know what there is to say other than I was really tired and I'm sorry."

"What, no! Don't be sorry about that! It was a really nice kiss," Alex frantically corrects me, and there's the sound of liquid hitting the ground. I guess he accidentally poured some out. He swears as if to prove that. "Heh. You got me all rattled."

"Listen, this doesn't have to mean anything. We can just forget it happened, okay?"

"Oh..."

"Oh?"