LIMERENCE. / KTH

seventeenth thought

today, we meet at the café again.

today is the day, i tell myself.

today.

this time, he is not the one to invite me,

but i invited him.

he drinks his taro bubble tea with delight,

sipping up all the tapioca pearls.

i watch him,

smiling.

"what did you call me out here for?" he asks,

and looks out the window

as busy people pass by.

i bite my lip,

starting steading and slow.

"i have to tell you something," i say.

this reminds me of the day he asked me out.

it all started out with something.

it pains me

because that day was a day of happiness and joy.

i take out a small bag,

handing it to him.

he chuckles at it,

and opens it without hesitation.

i watch him with a lowered gaze.

i see him examine the photos one by one.

photos we have taken together.

"why are you giving me these?"

he inquires, looking up,

and stares at my face.

my expression doesn't change,

and he soon frowns.

"areum?"

"jungkook, i'm sorry."

he stays quiet,

and i feel my heart tearing into pieces again.

because i don't want to love him

when someone else is on my mind.

he is supposed to be loved fairly,

and i am not giving him that kind of loyalty.

i want to apologize to him for that.

and i know he loves me,

but i don't love him back,

the way he wants to be loved.

"i'm breaking up with you."

he looks around,

clearing his throat.

we don't speak any longer.

neither i nor him know what to say.

he then glances up at me and smiles.

"it's been a good run," he chuckles.

seeing his hurt face,

and knowing i did that to him,

only pushes the knife in deeper.

"i lost to taehyung again, huh?"

he says this cheerful,

and i don't want him to be in a fake trance of happiness,

when i've hurt him.

so this is what it feels to hurt and not be hurt.

is this what taehyung felt like when he hurt me?

he closes the book full of our pictures,

setting it on the table covered in white cloth.

"you don't have to explain," he speaks.

he stands up, pushing in his chair.

i follow, doing the same.

"but all those kisses and laughs you shared with me...

they were real, right?"

i nod my head.

"i did love you."

he turns, avoiding my eyes.

he hugs me,

and i hug him tightly back.

i hate how i've ruined his afternoon.

now he can't drink his bubble tea without thinking about me.

between sniffs he tells me,

"i still love you. but i'll get over it."

we take one final look at each other,

and he smiles,

as i wipe away his falling tears.

he leaves,

leaving me alone at my seat.

i deserve to be alone.

i deserve to be alone and not talked to forever.

i've broken someone's heart.

i receive a phone call minutes after

i sit in agony after the breakup.

it's you, taehyung.

i don't want to talk to you now,

because all of this was done

because of you.

"hello?"

i pick up anyways.

"areum..."

you hesitate.

"are you okay?

have you been crying?"

how do you know?

"no, i'm fine."

you pause for a bit.

"areum," you say in a panicked voice.

"areum, help me, i'm dying."