Stories Undone, Scars Unseen // Hamilton College AU

Theodosia (15)

"Oh my gosh! That's a great idea!" I grab my coat, tossing him one that he left at my house from last time.

He shrugs into it, beaming as he pulls his hair back into a ponytail. "Yay! Let's go!"

Minutes later, as the sun sets, we climb out of my car.

"Oh," I breathe quietly. I remember this place. The old, purple Wisteria tree that we would sit underneath and make plans for the future. This is where, when we were only seven, we decided that as soon as he could drive, we would run away and get married.

We were funny kids.

Philip is completely quiet, staring underneath the tree as if he could see what used to happen here. A small smile twists upon his face, and he laughs a little under his breath.

I latch onto his wrist and break out into a sprint, dragging him along as I run to the tree. Our tree.

We arrive there finally, a bit out of breath. I wasn't strong enough to carve my own initials in, so Philip carved both of ours when we first started eighth grade.

He runs his fingers over the initials. "Aw... Look at that... It's still there."

I smile, and twist my arm more into his so I'm pressed into his side. I reach out and touch my fingerpads just so very lightly over his.

"I bet it's still going to be there when you're not T.B."

"Don't be so sure I'm getting married, Mister. I've-had-ten-girlfriends."

"'Cause I did! And all of them were awesome and amazing and had cool hair... And... Uh... Arms attached to their torsos." Philip nods a little to agree with himself.

"Sure."

"Okay, yeah. I was lying. Sally only had one arm."

"Philip!" I cry.

He shrugs slightly. "What can I say? I don't judge girls based on their arm amount."

"No, you base them off the length of their eyelashes."

Philip narrows his eyes. "Do you honestly think I'm that shallow?"

I blink slowly up at him. "No, I don't. Sorry, I was just messing around."

"Yeah, Susan didn't even have eyelashes. She burnt them off in a science fire," he deadpans, trying his very hardest not to break out laughing.

I nod. "Oh yeah okay."

"See? I don't go based on physical appearances. Even ugly girls got a shot with Philip Hamilton! Except for, y'know, the fact that nobody wants to date me unless their name starts with an S... Or Frances."

I snort. "I've told you before how much all my friends talk about wanting to date you."

"All talk." He shrugs off easily.

"And write explicit fanfiction." I realize I probably shouldn't have said that. "Oops."

"Whoa... Fanfiction? About me?" Philip looks physically disturbs by that. "Uh... Wow. That's creepier than Poet Boy shoving stuff in your locker."

"It's not creepy." My sensitive side threatens to rise.

He laughs. "Come on, Theo. Yeah, sure, he's sweet and sappier than maple syrup. But, give me that it's slightly creepy."

I furrow my brow. "Why are you still pushing this? He's made my day multiple times! And even if he has stopped..."

"Fine, I'll shut up," Philip mutters before going back to looking at the duck pond.

"I'm sorry. I don't even know him, I shouldn't be getting defensive."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah what?"

"Yeah, you shouldn't side with Poet Boy over me?"

I'm left gaping. "Philip! He's been kind to me! I mean yeah, you got beat up by Ben, but I didn't ask you to. You don't have to defend me like some princess in a tower, cuz I'm not."

"I did what had to be done! And you know what? The whole freaking tower scenario? Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't put yourself out there!" he shouts back.

I gasp. "I'm putting myself out there?! You're kidding, right? Tell me you're kidding."

"I'm sorry I'm tired of seeing boys go after you like you're some fresh piece of meat!"

I let out a sharp laugh. "Oh. Great. And this is somehow my fault?"

"Well, yeah! Who else is making you do that? Huh? Someone possessing you or something?" he snaps back.

"Making me do what? Live? Oh yeah, you've got me there." I put my hands up in mock surrender. "I admit, I possess myself to live."

"Why do you have to live so much then? Why can't you just be content with little things? You're always dreaming bigger and better! What's wrong with here? With our town? With our neighborhood?"

I stare up at him, fuming. "So I'm supposed to just give up on my dreams, so I can type numbers onto a computer, in a tiny cube? No. Thanks. Why are you even pushing this? You've always supported me when I talk about getting into a good college! What's changed? You just want me to subdue? To let it slide? Well I'm not going to. I want to chase after my future. And so help me, I'm going to get there."

"But you're living in the future! Why can't we just enjoy the moments we have left? Here?" Philip shoots back.

"Because," I'm shaking now. "If I sit still for one moment, let myself falter and relax, then I will fail, and might as well just throw away my shot now."

"It's not throwing away your shot! It's waiting for it! And enjoying what we still have! Because, you know what? One day, all of that will be gone! And there's no getting it back! Why don't you get that, Theo?" He's shaking too, shoving his hands in his pockets like that will hide the tremors.

I huff out, debating just running off. Not this time, I decide. "I am enjoying this! I can find moments. But Philip, can't you see, the future's out there for taking, and I plan on taking it."

"You already took it! You've taken any future you could see! There's literally no options left! You get everything! Scholarships, awards, everything! And the rest of us are sent scrabbling for whatever remains. Which you go on and take as well!" He throws his hands up and starts running them through his hair.

I exhale. "Philip." His name comes out in little more than a whisper.

"What?" he snaps.

"Philip look at me please."

"I am looking at you," Philip mumbles while clearly looking at the grass.

"In the eyes. Please."

"This seems really pointless." Still, his hazel eyes slowly rise to meet mine.

"You know what holds me back, don't you? What stops me from entering every college essay contest I find, every volunteer opportunity I can find?"

"What?"

"I don't want to leave you."

He splutters before quickly dragging his sleeve across his eyes. "I don't want to hold you back."

"You had like a year after we met to change that. Now we've been friends for more years than we can count. You matter to me too much to just go full out."

He mutters something too softly for me to make out.

"What?"

"Nothing. Let's just go back to your house."

"No," I say. I close the distance between us in a fierce embrace. "Let's just stay here. Okay?" I ask softly into his ear.

"Theo..." Philip squirms a little before putting his arms around me. "I don't you to leave me either."

I bury my nose into his shoulder. (Where I can reach.) "Can you stop time for me, Philip?"

"I'd give you anything... But I don't think I can give you that." He holds me even tighter after that.