Captain Swan - Breathe Again

Part 19

Seventeen months later...

Emma was stressed. No, that wasn't the correct term. Constantly pacing hysterically back and forth, pulling your hair out as though it were set ablaze, and blowing up at anyone who said the wrong thing couldn't exactly fall under the definition of stress. No, the state she was in right now could only be adequately and genuinely described as 'freaking the hell out'.

She didn't consider herself as the type who would be one of those crazed brides who threw tantrums when everything wasn't perfect. And she wasn't. She told herself over and over again that whatever happened on her wedding day didn't matter, as long as she got married to Killian at the end of it all, that was all she cared about. But it was a week before the wedding - and forget the fact that there were scheduling conflicts with the band they hired and the invitations were sent out late because of a spelling error and the flowers they already paid for ended up being the wrong colors and the fact that her sister-in-law had kept trying to convince her to go to a strip club for her bachelorette party, even though Emma told her about two hundred times that she was not the least bit comfortable with going to seeing other men almost-naked and shoving things in her face. Those things alone were enough for her to eventually break down. Now, she had different problems.

It all started when - well, she didn't know exactly when it started - but somewhere along the line, she was thinking back to the day she and Killian first met. Oh right, it started when they had set a date for their wedding. She had tried to not think about it. She had tried to keep it simmered inside of her. She tried to contain the feelings, but over time, those feelings started to bubble and rise up to the surface, so naturally, it was only a matter of time before all of those feelings would spill over the edge and potentially give that extra push that would ruin everything.

The date they had picked would mark exactly two years since they first met. That gave them enough time to plan everything and, for Emma at least, it would give her enough time to back out if she decided she couldn't go through with it. She loved Killian, there was no doubt about that. She wanted a future with him and their sons. She wanted that family she had been cheated out of several times before. And, yes, she always had her brother. For the longest time, he was her only family, but now she had the chance to have a healthy, stable marriage, a chance to give Henry a father figure that would always be there for him. That was something Emma only thought would exist in her dreams. This, however, was real. And maybe that's what scared her.

What if she couldn't do this like she thought she could? What if she decided to back out at the last minute? What if she did go through with it, but couldn't be the wife Killian deserved? What if he just accepted that and was miserable? What if she got divorced again? There were all of these scenarios that haunted her and she couldn't seem to shake them. With Neal, the decision to leave him was easy. If he been a loving husband and a good father to Henry and still ended up having an affair, it would have been more difficult for Emma to let him go. If Neal had actually been apologetic, if he had still wanted their marriage to work and if he had assured her that he had no intentions of being with Tamara ever again, well that would have been a different story. Emma may have forgiven him, but still would have had conflicting feelings and insecurities about the whole situation. That of course was not the case. The affair was only the final shove she needed to gain a grip on reality again.

Killian was an incredibly different story. He was already devoted and loving and not to mention, amazing with Henry and they weren't even married yet. If she somehow had any doubts about their marriage, though, how could she possibly tell him? The fear of hurting him was so overwhelming that it absolutely crippled her. The pressure of not breaking his heart left her struggling for air, like being buried under a ton of bricks. So, yes, she was beyond stressed at this point.