Hidden Behind Walls

Chapter 30: Talkings not my thing

"What happened tonight?" she asked quietly. The smile that was creeping up on my face quickly disappeared. I cringed at the memory of tonight.

"I don't want to talk about it" I mumble under my breath.  She nodded her head slowly in understanding.

"So what do you want to talk about?" she whispered softly.

"What were you so excited about today?" I inquired.

"It's a surprise" she chirped.

"For me?" I taunted.

"I'm not gonna say anything" she said.

"Ok, then how about telling me why you have have bad social skills?" I ask. Her right eyebrow creases and her upper left canine dragged across her bottom lip.

"Okay, fine I'll tell you the surprise" she said quickly. I frowned slightly.

"Raven, what happened?" I intoned.

"Clay, I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk about it. I don't want to reminisce or be reminded of it. I just want to bury it beneath all the rubble of my past self." she pressed.

"Okay, when you want to talk we can talk" I replied simply. She smiled thankfully at me. Her eyes started to droop down low once again. In mere minutes she was asleep. The sound of her soft breaths invaded my eardrums. I ended the call after the first few seconds of hearing her breathe.

                    *    *    *
    I went to my psychiatrist on a regular basis, 2-3 times a week. Dr. Sibisi started making me write in a journal...organize all my thoughts. I don't really feel like it was doing much for me. Most of my entries were bland and general. Every visit he asked me if I wanted share my entries and I did. It took up more time during the slotted hour. It meant that we didn't need to have deep conversations about myself.

    Today, however, was different. Dr. Hyuk Sibisi decided that the journal was going to be put on hold.

    "We're going to talk about your anxiety" he started, his voice was a low hum against my ears. My jaw clenched involuntarily at the word.

    "Okay" I replied stiffly.

    "I know this may feel redundant but what triggers your anxiety?" he asks. His brown
hair fell slightly into his eyes.

    "Ollivander Gerstein....but you know...he's dead now" I retorted sniptetly.

    "Clayton, while Ollivander was the main source of trauma him being dead doesn't make it magically disappear."

    "I know that, and I thought I dealt with it. I went through that whole rebelling, drug phase. I got clean. I started playing football to channel my anger. But.....I'm still at the same headspace I was before. I just got better at hiding it." I ranted.

    "And how did you learn to hide it?" Dr. Sibisi pushes. His hands writing a little faster, and the pen is tilting a little more to the right.

    "By focusing on something else" I responded.

    "What did you focus on?" he pressed. His hand stopped moving, his fingers held the pen lightly.

    "My gir..my friends" I reply.

    "Your girlfriend?" Dr. Sibisi says with a questioning lilt of his voice. I clenched my jaw and sighed.

    "Yes" I mumble. Great, now he's going to make me dig into my emotions.

    "So, you focused on your girlfriend to hide your trauma" Dr. Sibisi said slowly. I only nodded hoping that he'd leave the subject or that time would tick by faster.