Soul Mates (Tori Kelly)

Chapter 36

       

Tori's POV 

Agonizing sobs rip through me because it feels like something in me is dying. I've never felt so wretched before. The second the door closed shut behind Lynnon I just crumbled to the floor because that's exactly how everything in my life feels like it's going right now. Crumbling and falling apart all around me.

I feel as though I'm grieving the loss of someone really dear to me and I guess I am. I can't get Lynnon saying that we're done and that it's over out of my head, it's like it's taunting me. It keeps ringing in my mind as a constant reminder of how badly I managed to ruin things between us. Well, I had a pretty good idea of how badly I ruined things last night when I had found out that she had went to a bar to get drunk.

When I had got back to our room and the realization of all that has gone down throughout the whole day hit me, I curled up into a ball on the bed. All I remember before drifting off to sleep was that I started crying all over again because I had my nose buried in Lynnon's pillow and it smelled just like her hair sending my emotions into a frenzy. I had so many conflicting emotions and thoughts flowing through me–it was all so frustrating and tiring. 

I finally woke up around two in the morning to my phone being blown up with text and missed calls from Kamari and Hendrix. The moment I saw the words Lynnon and drinking in the same sentence my heart completely sank. I hurt her to the point where she had to turn back to drinking and I felt so guilty. I knew I had to find her and I ran around the whole resort with no luck.

I just remember feeling this panic. The same panic I felt when I didn't know she left the studio the first time she met Donald and it took everything in me not to lose my composure. I reluctantly went back to our room and I forced myself not to succumb to the fatigue taking over my body because I had hope she would walk through the door at any moment.

When she finally did come back this morning all I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and hopefully have the chance to talk about all that was said, but clearly she wasn't having any of that. Hearing the pain and hurt in her voice wasn't easy to bear and I hate how I went about things. I've just been going through the motions instead of actually facing my feelings, but this trip turning out the way it has wasn't my intentions. Playing with her definitely wasn't my intentions, but I just can't seem to topple over to one side or the other.

I love her and I want to be with her, but at the same time I'm scared to be. How do I move past that? Honestly, with the way I'm feeling right now it seems that losing her is a pretty good start. It's sad because Lynnon leaving me again is what I was mostly afraid of and I've pushed her to do just that.

I don't know what I was going to say to her or what I hoped would come of it if she did stay, but I just needed her to hear me out one last time. I just needed her to hear that although I've been holding back all that I said doesn't mean I meant every word. I didn't mean it when I called her selfish because I know that she loves me and that most of what she did was because she felt she was putting my wellbeing before her own. And, I definitely know her better than to assume the things I did with the Nickayla situation. I just needed to tell her that I've been stupid. Finally getting all that out and being able to look back on everything, I realized that. I've been in my feelings and I've been stupid.

I finally got up off the floor to lie down on the bed and I've been here all day just thinking about how messed up I've been. There's no excuse as to why I wasn't honest with her. I should've given us the chance to talk through all of this from the beginning and I don't know why I didn't.

I grab my phone off of the nightstand to check the time and its almost midnight, so I decide to try and call Lynnon. I just want to make sure she's home. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't answer the first time or the next five times I call her, so I try texting her.