Living in Sin (On Hold)

Forty Three _ Flesh and Blood

“… . Shadows on the hills sketch the trees and the daffodils, catch the breeze in the winter’s chill in colors on the snowy linen land. Now I understand what you tried to say to me. … ” was what I woke up to from sleep, a very rare dreamless sleep.

I felt comfortable: the song, this stuff I was lying on, and essentially the whole serenity of it. In fact, it was too comfortable that I started doubting its reality. I opened my eyes slowly and the eye-stabbing whiteness of the ceiling made me really hard to get myself used to it.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

My heart skipped a beat: no, beats. The realization hit me that it wasn’t real, whatever was happening or was going to happen. But how for god’s sake could I not turn to that voice?

“D-dad?”

A smile showed on his features which others would easily take as condescending but I knew it wasn’t that. He was sat by my bedside. I sat up but didn’t dare to reach for him, in fear of driving this dream away. But with each second that passed, the struggle became harder for me to not run to him.

“Don’t forget,” He started, his hand reaching out for mine, as he leaned towards me.

I knew this was just a dream, one moment away from becoming a nightmare. I knew I shouldn’t have waited. But my heart became ready to slam out of my chest when he hugged me.

“No matter what, you are always my daughter.”

Those were his last words. I remembered. My breathing had got to a point where I started to choke but that didn’t stop me from whining out a desperate plea. “Please, don’t leave me. Please.”

The warmth I felt myself enveloped in hadn’t disappeared but my eyes told me he was breaking away. Just as the world around me began shape-shifting, I watched him fade away never losing that smile on his face.

“You are always my daughter.”

“I won’t. I’m here.” I clung to those protective arms as I came to. Hopefully, this time for real. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Shutting my eyes the tightest I could, I hugged Liz back tight, almost squeezing the life out of her, in a fool’s hopes of selfishly channeling my agony into her. But whatever I did, I couldn’t keep out of my mind the image of my mother’s face. And there was no way sobbing this pain out of my chest.

“it’s okay. I’m here.” She kept saying. It was much later that I learnt to note her voice sounded different,. And as I was snuggled up in her, I couldn’t help notice that her ample breasts seemed to have somehow shrunk noticeably. I lifted my face and chanced a glance outside of the arms I was wrapped in.

And through my tears, I found … … Elizabeth sat at the foot of the bed, staring at me: us.

Suddenly, I remembered who the voice that was soothing me belonged to. Still in that fetal position and not remembering to straighten up, I looked up at Nicole. With a gentle push on the back of my head, she pulled me back into her and then I felt her plant a kiss on the top of my head. And … and I felt this enigmatic feeling wash over my whole self.

I felt warm, safe. And loved.

It made me quit thinking about everything and just let her take over.

“Nik.” A voice broke the silence. It didn’t cross my mind to find out who it belonged to. “They’ve been asking. Do you want me to tell them?”

By the touch of her chin, I felt her shake her head. I clung to her tighter to let her know I didn’t want her to let go of me when she shifted but she wasn’t going anywhere. She just moved so I could bend my right leg which I discovered right then was in a pretty awkward position.