Living in Sin (On Hold)

48 - Rhyme and Reason

There was no one outside.

So she was never there to hear any of it.

You thank god for that, stupid: something scolded me from the back of my head. Which surprised me a little 'cause whenever I had some kind of voice of reason, it was always Mom. But now it wasn't her. It didn't even belong to that shithead who, I had to admit whether I wanted to or not, was still the one I could and would turn to in times of my screw-ups.

I heard that voice - my own voice - mutter again how asinine my plan had been in the first place. Part of me knew I was lucky enough to not be having her staring back at me shell-shocked, but all I felt as I stared at the empty doorway before me was nothing but a growing feeling of disappointment.

Turned out, though, fate hadn't even dealt me its last card yet.

"Nik."

My breath caught in my throat and out of instinct I held my respiratory functions to a halt. And for all the right reasons too, because if there was the beat of my heart getting in the way, I never would be able to tell whether it was just my mind playing tricks on me or a series of light footsteps that I'd just heard coming from outside were actually real.

"Nik, what's really going on here?" But it wasn't the barely audible sound of a door jamming out of its groove that woke me up from my catatonic trance. No, it was hearing it - hearing that name. "What, you're expecting Rina?"

I'd careened out the door in a mad rush, run my left shoulder into the doorframe and hurt my knees and ankles pretty bad jumping down the stairs in two leaps when I realized I was already downstairs. But the notion of pain was suddenly lost on me when the sound of a car engine in full gear rumbled in through the windows.

I sprinted out the house only to be forced to a stop in my tracks - only to have my heart dragged down by the weight of the planet - at the sight of a blue Audi speeding away out of sight. So I did the one thing that'd have crossed the mind of anybody in my situation.

I ran.

It's not something a guy like Milner usually does.

Yeah, no, let alone at a time like this when the match is drawn at 1-1 and we are only one minute of injury time away from the penalty shoot-outs, this is not something the captain of the McClymonds does at any time. But that doesn't matter anymore when the guy has just made a backpass too sloppy that I don't even have to look twice to know I will reach it before he or his keeper - that is, if I start running like hell towards that ball now.

So I start running like hell for the loose ball, and then prove my instincts right by beating Milner to it by a couple strides. I'm not even looking when I prod the ball across and lay it to my right, as I glance at the keeper who is scrambling back towards his post now. Before I know it, I've already swung my leg and whipped the ball off the ground. It feels like hours, watching on with the whole stadium as the ball flies across the air, topspinning towards the goal.

There is no middle ground, I know. This shot will either get us our much-needed confidence boost with a win over our archrivals or drag this match into the penalties. Crazy thing, though, is that the adrenaline racing through my veins has nothing to do with the anticipation for the outpouring of roaring cheers or the apprehension for the oncoming blizzard of fuck-yous, either one of which for sure is waiting for me two seconds from now.

No, it is just the thrill of scoring, not the result but the act itself - to make the ball sink into the back of the net - that makes me suddenly unaware of anything else.

And in that, I was practically reliving that moment on that night back in April during the semi-final second leg of the ISC tournaments.

Almost felt like my life depended on it - to walk over there, pull the door open and ask her to tell me if she knew - to tell me that she knew. And the semi-profile of a face, slightly upturned 'cause its owner was slumped into the seat and leaning back on the headrest like she was confused - like she'd just found out something shocking - only threw tons of gasoline onto the fires of hope burning me alive.