BENJI. (a guide to being normal)

Kinky Situations

Curled up on the sofa with eyes shut, hands tucked under his cheek, and mouth gaping open with a string of saliva dangling from the corner of his mouth, was Benji. An empty box of pizza lay overturned on the coffee table and several cans of diet Coke rolled around the legs of the sofa. Copper walked in and tossed his wallet on the table. He looked down at Benji and smirked. "You silly ol' bloke. My lovely twat-face, bugger idiot." He leaned over and grabbed a dirty dish rag. Like a picnic blanket, he spread it over Benji's shoulders and patted him on the head. He tip-toed quietly over to a corner of the room and picked up the remote control. Watching his dozing friend, he crept over to the sofa and sat down. Extending his hand, he clicked the power button on the remote and the TV lit up with neon colours.

Copper threw his hands in the air and shouted, "My jam's on!"

Benji flung up with a yelp and landed face down on the floor.

"Ah, you're awake, come on, our song is on!" Copper began popping his shoulders, picking down imaginary food from imaginary  shelves, and rolling his body like a giant slug. He punched Benji in the shoulder, "Come on, join me."

"Turn it down, will you?" Benji shouted, scrambling to his feet. He got onto all fours, poked his bottom up first, and then pushed himself up. He was about to chastise Copper before he saw his favourite band ripping up their newest single. Breaking into a smile, Benji began rocking his body to the beat and snapping fingers. "Turn it up, slag, will you?" Biting his bottom lip and pumping his arms, Benji began dancing.

"That's my boy!" Copper cheered as he jumped to his feet. He began singing along and bobbing his head. "Oh yeah, this is my tune. You feeling it, Benji? You feeling it, BJ?"

"I'm rockin', I'm rippin', I've got this! Bless my socks, this has got to be the best song ever written!" Benji bumped hips with Copper and then spun around to do the other hip. And then, all in jest, he began grinding against Copper's leg and lowering himself from the waist while making 'feels good' expressions every time the chorus came on.

Copper turned in an awkward direction and, to keep himself from falling backwards onto the coffee table, he grabbed Benji's hip bones just as the landlady walked in.

"Good gracious!" she shouted, her hand flailing to her eyes. "I didn't know--,"

Benji, still bent over, looked behind him at Copper, and then at the landlady. Like a donkey, he kicked out at Copper's shin and stood up. "Not what you think, Mrs. Maple. We were just listening to music. We'll keep quiet. Anything I can help you with?"

Mrs. Maple remained silent and stared at them, having not yet recovered from the act she had innocently walked in upon. "Nothing, Mr. Dore. Maybe just keep the music low." With that, she teetered-tottered off to her flat.

"That was close," Copper said.

"No, it wasn't, she saw you behind me and now she's going to be gossiping to her old friends about us."

"Do you want me to move out then?"

While collecting the trash off the ground, Benji looked up and scoffed. "Who said about anythin' you moving out?"

"Me. I'm moving in with Fiona."

Benji dropped the cans and pizza box and shook his head back and forth dramatically. His bottom lip trembled and he said quietly, "No. No, you can't."

"I have to. I love her."

"What about me?"

"You'll always be my number one ace."

"'Ace' means 'one,' you clot." Benji corrected with a trembling smile. In a desperate wail, he leapt into Copper's large arms and clung about his head like a monkey. "You can't go!"

Copper dropped Benji into his arms like a damsel in distress, "Don't you worry, my friend, I'll be back." The two friends looked at each other with brotherly affection, and just as Copper shifted his foot to adjust his balance, causing him to lean forward towards Benji's face, the landlady popped in again.

"I remember what I was doing-- oh my, Lord, not again!"

Benji wriggled out of Copper's arms and raced over to Mrs. Maple. Taking her gently by the shoulders, he led her back down to her flat, consoling her while she cried in confusion. When he had returned her, he trudged back up stairs and glared at Copper. "No one will understand us."

"Exactly, so, who cares? We both know we like you know what and not that what. You know?"

"Of course. Now, really, why are you moving in with Fiona? I can't pay the rent by myself." Benji tossed the cans into the trash bin and began running water over a dish rag. "I'm serious, Copper, I can't do it by myself."

"I'll help you with the rent until you can get a better job. Perhaps you should publish your book?"

"Oh, yeah, right. You know the process that goes into it? Self-publishing versus traditional publishing, editors, websites, cover letter, and especially money. I can't do it yet, I can't afford to make money...basically."

"Well, maybe you could be a male prostitute. I know plenty of--,"

Benji plugged up his ears and sang like a trilling lark. "Don't want to hear it! No to the whole idea, it's bollocks."

"They pay very well. Sometimes five hundred quid just to--,"

"By the power of Grey Skull, Copper, shut it about this. It's disgusting, and you know I wouldn't do that. You watch too much TV." Benji kicked a few paper plates and plastic forks underneath the sofa since the trash bin had been stuffed.

"But you're purty," Copper purred and gave him a sarcastic wink.

Benji scrunched up like an airhead beauty contestant who just got complicated on her hair. "Oh, go on." He tossed a limp wrist and fluttered his lashes before resuming in a more serious tone. "But really, I'm serious about the whole flat thing. I can't get a new job. I barely have a resume to get a foot inside a decent office. No one will hire me."

"Maybe you should get an agent?"

"An agent for work? Is that a thing? You mean, find someone who can make me look good?"

"Yeah, Fiona told me about them," Copper said, plopping back down on the sofa. "I don't magically have an article about them, but you could look them up. Who knows, maybe you'll find a publisher or something?"

"I'll have a think. Right now, though, I got to go to bed and get ready for my shift tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Copper said through a yawn. He stretched out on the sofa and snuggled deep into the softness.

Benji walked up stairs, waddling side to side. He let out a raspy yawn and walked to his bedroom. The first thing one would see when entering Benji's room is the large "evolution of zombies" poster on the front door. And then when the door opened, the carpet disappeared and the entire floor was covered with various LEGO pieces. The walls were cluttered with drawings Benji had sketched, all on the subject of how zombies eat and hide. The ceiling had decals of zombie quotes and jokes, and the window was bared shut with real steel bars in front of them to "keep the zombies" away. Above the bed, which was an air mattress, was a hatchet, a machete, and a carbine—all were theatre props that he painted and fixed up to resemble the actual weapon.

Stepping through the LEGO ocean, Benji opened his closet, revealing boxes and suitcases packed in case of a real zombie attack ensued. There wasn't much room for his clothes, which was why he wore each shirt for two weeks before he washed it. Smacking his lips, he changed out of his clothes and slipped on a long night shirt. He shuffled to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. After he rinsed, he turned off the light and switched on his severed-hand nightlight. He then bounded to his bed and scrambled under the covers, for he hated walking alone in the dark.

When everything had settled, Benji fell asleep.