BENJI. (a guide to being normal)

A Snog and a Lager

"Where?" Copper's head sprung up like a newborn flower, his eyes wide and a goofy smile plastered across his face.

"She wasn't there. I was lying. I was trying to cheer you up."

"How is lying to me about my ultimate fantasy going to cheer me up?" Copper's face dimmed down like a dying bulb. "Whatever, keep your two quid." He threw an arm over Benji's small shoulders and began walking to the pub.

"That's better. Now, what are you going to get? The regular?"

"Yeah. And you?"

"The same."

"Water?" Copper guessed, even though he knew the answer. He reached out and pulled the large chestnut door open. He gestured Benji to go first.

"Of course. Though, I think I'll spice it up this time?"

"Going to drink from a straw?" Copper smiled mischievously.

"No, going to add ice this time."

"You're off the chain tonight, man!"

Benji lifted his chin proudly and marched inside the pub, his arms swinging stiffly by his side like a clumsy soldier. He turned to Copper, clicked his red trainers together and saluted with the wrong hand. "Are you ready, my fine mate?"

Copper copied, though, he used the correct hand. "Ready as ever!"

The two joined arms like school-girls and marched to the bar. When they reached the counter, they placed their right elbows on the table and then, with their left hand, rapped on the table at the same time. The bartender turned around and gave them a forced smile that didn't stay on the face for very long.

"What will it be?"

"Just a lager and a water--," Copper began before Benji piped in.

"With ice!"

"Yes, with ice."

The bartender nodded his head and took out two glasses. He filled one up with golden bubbles, topped with a rim of white froth, and then filled the other with water and three cubes of ice. He placed them on the counter. "Will that be all for the gentlemen?"

"Indeed," Copper and Benji chorused.

"Two pounds for the beer."

"I've got this one." Benji pulled out the fiver and handed it to the tender. "Keep the change, my friend will be getting more anyway." Benji crossed his legs comfortably, letting his ankle rest across his knee and lifted the cold glass to his lips before someone knocked it in his face.

"Hey, we saw you on tellie this evening, you bloke!" shouted a taunting voice.

With his eyes shut and water dripping down his face, Benji managed to reply in a collected tone, "Parker. Didn't expect you'd be here."

"Fancy another bet?" Parker pushed Copper aside and rested half his torso on the counter. Staring at Benji, he hissed, "Come on, you'd like this one. Can't lose."

"Rather not. And don't push my friend." Benji handed the glass to the bartender who refilled it with no question or aid to the growing confrontation.

"Not like he won't break anything. He's too fat!"

Benji snarled deep in his throat and hopped off the chair, just to find himself six inches shorter than Parker. He rolled his eyes and climbed back onto the stool. They were eye to eye again. In his most menacing voice, Benji said, "You insult my friend again, I'll knock your teeth out."

"I'd like to see you try," Parker challenged, baring his rather frightening large teeth.

Benji's eyes widened and he took a gulp from his water. "Is that a bet?"