His mother flinched when Roman's yelling chased her from his room. His untouched food sat beside his bed where it would stay until she removed it. She had only wanted to help him get cleaned up, he knew that, but the intent fell on deaf ears.
Roman had screamed that he would rather sit in his own filth and starve than allow someone to bathe him or feed him. He was a man. He had gone to war and he had blood on his hands. He was not a helpless child.
That's what he told himself as the pain racked his body or when the panic attacks threatened to take him down. Now both were happening and it was all because of that one person he had hoped would stay away. No matter what he did, no matter what he told himself he couldn't get those red rimmed eyes out of his head. His arms still ached to hold that body, the one that had gotten sickeningly small.
Alex had always been smaller, but now he looked frail. Roman needed to know if that was his fault, his Alex had suffered so much that he was wasting away, but he couldn't. He couldn't pick up the phone like he had a right to think he deserved even a second of Alex's time.
Every moment was torment now. It didn't matter if he was awake or asleep. Something was always waiting to haunt him with every blink. He couldn't even try to run away from it all because he couldn't stand. He couldn't even take a walk around the block.
His days were spent in his bed staring at the ceiling and his nights were only different when the shadows crept into his room and left him feeling vulnerable and dangerous. He was defenseless against the enemies in his mind. No weapon could defend him from that.
How desperately he wanted to tell Alex that he hadn't broken his promise, that he had come home for him. He wanted to tell Alex how he had used what they feared was his last breaths to try and form Alex's name, how he had tried to get those around him to hear that name so that someone would know that he would give those miniscule puffs and gasps of air for Alex as well. How desperately he wanted to fall to his knees with that boy and make the pain end, but he couldn't. He couldn't because now he was a monster that couldn't even walk. Now he was a waste of space and a headache to those around him, the ones that were left anyway.
He should have known that Alex would have come running. Alex had promised to be there, and he held true to that. It didn't surprise him. Alex had never betrayed him in all of their years together. Not once had he done anything but act as a pillar, as the anchor that Roman needed even as a child. Everyone had always pointed out how Alex depended on Roman, but it wasn't true. It was Roman that depended on Alex. Alex brought sunshine and hope. Alex brought laughter and confidence, even when he had little for himself.
Alex thought himself so worthless, he always had; and he had no idea how angry it made Roman even after years of arguing about it. Alex was smart, and kind. Alex was patient and loving. Alex was fearful but bold.
Roman promised to take care of him and keep him safe. He was the one that had betrayed Alex in the end. He had broken those promises because he was disgusted with himself, because he was too shamed to look in the mirror. Every breath, every ache and every pained movement reminded him that he would never be able to do those things. Now he had to live with the knowing that he had lost everything for absolutely nothing.
~~
Alex dropped a small box on the living room floor of Ashley and Tori's apartment and wiped his forehead with his shirt. Tori was chasing a fast crawling baby and Ashley was trying to make a curtain rod stay up with the small amount of skills he had with power tools.
Ashley and Tori had managed to snag a rental in the same building, only a floor up from Alex. Ashley wouldn't have to worry about travel distance for school changing and they had even talked Tori into checking into classes. Alex insisted he was fine and maybe he was. He didn't know much of anything anymore. More often than not, he was thinking but it never seemed to lead anywhere.
