Alex drank because he thought it would make him sleep, but he always woke up feeling worse. He had woken himself crying out a few times. He knew that his nightmares didn't rest even when he drank himself unconscious. The drinking didn't ease the guilt. The drinking only made things worse, but Alex refused to admit that. He knew he was close to getting suspended from school for slacking off, but he didn't care.
His professors reached out to him when he actually showed up for class, they asked him if he needed help, if there was anything that anyone could do and Alex had laughed and walked away. They softly suggested the college's guidance counselor or even a private one, but Alex only got angry. They didn't know if he actually saw how much he was changing, and if he did, why he wasn't scared of the new person he had become.
Most of the time it was as if he was two people; his friends just had to wait and see which one they were going to get each morning. Sometimes Alex was smiling and would even eat a real meal with them before heading to a study group or class. Other times he would shove off food and sleep the day away before going to a party and having too much to drink. What Alex and Roman had was something that was dangerous; it was something that everyone wished for, but most would never know. He wasn't sure who came out luckier.
"I don't wanna go," Melani whined as Alex tightened his belt. His hair was grown out now and in a permanent state of bedhead. He had grown a bit in his final growth spurt of young adulthood, making him a little taller than Melani, but his weight had dropped considerably. He said it was in their heads, that he was fine and eating, but the truth was plain to everyone.
"Then stay here," Alex retorted. Ashley shot Melani a look over Alex's shoulder, shaking his head with a sigh.
"We have exams next week."
"And?" Alex deadpanned.
Ashley and Melani both knew arguing was a lost cause. When Alex said he was going out, he went out. Gone were the days of the shy Alex that preferred nights in. Melani stormed out of the dorm room, slamming the door behind her. Alex ignored the outburst and tied his sneakers. Ashley scratched the small amount of stubble on his chin tiredly before he groaned.
"What is it that you're searching for, Alex? Is this making you happy?"
Alex laughed softly. "This is life, Ash, not a fairy tale."
"So than what? You're just a drunk?" Alex gave him a pointed look before throwing his middle finger in the air. "Look, I don't want to lose you."
"A bit dramatic aren't we?" Alex mused as he grabbed his wallet and stuffed it in his pocket. "Why is it okay for you to get out get drunk and get a piece of ass, but if I do it then everyone freaks out?"
"That's why you're doing this?" Ashley shouted.
For a moment the weight of carrying hatred and the need for physical contact were gone. For a moment Alex could breathe in without pain. For a moment his mind wasn't under assault with images of whiskey colored eyes and a smile that was brighter than the sun. That moment ended quickly and he found himself shoving Ashley back. The taller man looked down with sad eyes and a trembling frown that he struggled to hide. Alex could feel a twinge of sadness at the sight before he shoved it down.
"Is that really what you need?" Ashley asked, voice dulling.
"I don't need a pity fuck, Ashley."
"It's not pity! If that's what you need then I'll take care of it." Ashley sighed and shoved his hair from his forehead. "A stranger isn't going to replace him, Alex. No one is going to replace him."
