Roman lay awake for hours after Alex had fallen into a pattern of soft snores and random shifting. His buzz had long since worn off and now the loud voices that tormented him were back in full swing. He wondered if Alex had any idea how long he had waited to hear those words. He wondered if Alex had even the slightest idea how hard it was going to be when he had to get on that bus. He knew his best friend was suffering. A blind man could see it, but no one knew what to do. They had done everything together for so long that he had serious doubts that they would come out of this unscathed. Why was he even doing it? Of course he knew the answer to that; because he wanted to make his father proud. He wanted his father to look at him like he had finally done something right; but he wanted Alex to be proud of him with an almost painful desperation. He needed to know that Alex still saw him as his hero, as his protector and confidant, just like he had throughout their lives. He needed Alex to see that Roman could and would always provide for him, and that should have been enough for Roman to admit that he couldn't pretend that he wasn't in love with Alex.
Someone could ask when he realized Alex was the other half of his soul and he would answer that he'd always known. As a child, he knew that Alex was someone that he needed to be around to be happy. As a young teen, he knew that Alex kept him calm during their first terrifying years of high school. As an older teen, he knew that Alex was the one that he needed praise from; that he needed comfort from as he made decisions that would lead him into adulthood.
He knew that even if he stayed nothing could come of those feelings. He would never be good enough for someone like Alex. He was a loose cannon. He was indecisive and lazy. Alex needed someone that would take care of him; treasure and spoil him. Alex needed someone that would never hurt him. He needed someone that didn't do random insane things that ended horribly; but Roman wanted Alex; he wanted him so badly that it ate away a piece of him every day.
Roman didn't know when he had fallen asleep, but he woke up to the sound of someone heaving and a harsh light filtering through the window. He rolled to his feet, grabbing the bed frame to steady his dizzy legs before running to the bathroom. Alex was hunched over the toilet heaving so harshly that tears were rolling down his fair cheeks. Roman dropped to his knees and rubbed small circles on Alex's back, keeping his hair from his clammy forehead as Alex emptied his stomach. When Alex slouched back, Roman helped him back to bed and ran downstairs to get water and toast. Alex slowly sipped the cold water and groaned at the sight of food but slowly chewed after Roman gave him a pointed look.
"You drank way too much, brat," Roman scolded.
"I know," Alex rasped.
"Why?"
"I just got caught up I guess." Roman frowned but took the half-assed lie. "Why're we at Mel's?"
"She was the sober one last night and wanted us to come back here."
"What about Tori?"
"She said she wasn't ready to leave and told me to go." Roman shrugged nonchalantly. "It's early. Go back to sleep and I'll take you and Mel out to breakfast when you wake up."
"Thanks Ro," Alex yawned as he nestled back into the cocoon of blankets that Roman wrapped him in. A hand brushed over his mop of wild hair and he sank back into sleep.
The next time he woke Roman was still at his side. Roman and Alex simply stared at each other for several long seconds; both trying to figure out what had changed while they were sleeping. The air felt thicker, more desperate and needy. Each of them wondered if the pull in the air went one way but neither acted on it.
Roman liked Tori, some of the time anyway. She had been by his side for almost six months, a short relationship in reality, but impressive for a high school fling, but what he felt for Alex put that occasional feeling at the bottom of the totem pole. He couldn't tell someone what he liked about Tori, but he could write a book on what he loved about Alex. He was in love with Alex. That fact would be the death of him and he knew it.
