Candy Girl

feelings are fatal

"I think the rehearsal is starting soon." My mother looked around, trying to soften her answer. Her smile never left her lips. "We should hurry, we still haven't finished greeting everyone else. But good day Elvira."

"You girls..."she said before taking a good look at each other, which wasn't an approval. "Look gorgeous." She lied through her teeth. She thought Serenity's boobs were inappropriate and thought I was plain.

Keep the smile, Carrisa. Keep the smile.

"Oh, hey." I heard a familiar voice behind of us. Serenity was automatically annoyed. Why did she disliked him that much?

"Are you following me?" Serenity claps back.

"Sorry?" He asked as he displays a boyish confusing look.

"Serenity," my mother cuts her off. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. "I'm Caroline."

This took Sebastian by surprise, "I'm Sebastian." He said as they shook hands.

"We go to the same school," I felt the strange need to explain his relationship to us.

"Is your sister competing?" She asked him kindly. Sebastian's widen eyes, his energy slightly change for a split second.

"No, no. I'm delivering some center pieces for my aunt."

"That's sweet," she said. My mom paused. "You don't happen to have something to do next Saturday do you?" My mother asked him. "Carrisa is looking for a partner for the ball."

My eyes widen. I feel my whole body frozen in fear. My ears start heating up immediately.

"MOM!"

"You're already here helping your aunt, might as well be part of it, right?" She said.

Please kill me.

"Caroline," a voice cheerfully called us out. It was her husband, Andre Dorsey. Andre was a bit younger than my father, he was about three or four years younger than him. Andre was 49 years old, always wore discreet clothings, never anything flashy, but his white cardigans were probably worth more than my mother's 2022 Nissan.

"See you next Saturday at 10 am?" my mother hurried Sebastian to seal the deal while half her body energy was focused on get us to greet the town's most important man; my father's friend.

"Sure..." Sebastian replied, his eyes set the situation before his eyes, Andre's voice and my mother's request.

"You don't—"  I felt my mom's finger pinching my skin. A groan left my mouth and was interrupted my mother's speech.

"–Great!" My mom cheered, and before I could say a word she pushed us towards Andre's direction. "Hi Andre," my mother greeted him politely, keeping me from saying a word.

"Hello there!" He said, as he turned toward us.

"Hi, Andre." Serenity and I joined in the greeting.

"You girls have grown so much! I can hardly believe it." Andre occasionally hanged out at the pageant. It made sense since he was basically sponsoring everything.

"How's Evie and Andrea?" Serenity asked. Serenity liked to babysit Andre and Elvira's daughters. Mainly because they were her main source of income. They payed twice what other families payed. She used this money to buy alcohol and clothes.

"They are in their violin clases at the moment so they couldn't come. Hopefully, if we have another date night, you can come visit by." He quickly changed the subject. "How incredible is the salon decorated, isn't it? Elvira knows some really talented people." He said as he looked around. He looked at his clock. "Anyway, I'm leaving now. Just wanted to see how everything and everyone was doing."

"Mom–" I began.

"–Oh my god," Serenity mumbled making me jump, "Is that Ellie?" My eyes almost fell out of my sockets as Ellie came in view, "Is she actually wearing high heels and a dress?"

I couldn't believe my sight. I looked over and I saw Ellie. She looked gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but she was looking completely different from her usual self. She had her black jet hair brushed all the way to the back. She wore a short sequence golden dress and metal high heels. She rolled her eyes in agony at me as she walked toward us. Ellie's mom was similar to mine. She had also bought all this crazy pageants and meetings as proof of self worth. But she was kinder. I raced over the main entrance.

"I thought you had managed to skip this year's pageant pain?" I asked Ellie.

"My mom emotionally manipulated me. Again." She glanced over at her outfit. "This dress is a horrible nightmare picked up straight from Lady Featherington's closet. It's horribly yellow."

"How does Gwen do it?"

"Her mom respect her boundaries?"

We sighed in unison.  

"Ladies!", Elvira called us out with a high pitched. My eyes widen in fear, I hate this. I hate this. "Let's get to the interview." This rehearsal  was set up so we could practice our walks. We would have to be called out by a number, and do our walk and answer a couple of hypothetical questions. I hated this part. Especially when we did the walk, every single mom would be looking at you with such...eyes. I brushed my hand against the fabric of my dress, I could feel my hands dripping in sweat. 

"Come on, girls." My mother said as she signaled us to follow Elvira. 

I figged with my hands as we walked behind curtains. My knees felt funny and my chest lighter. I placed a hand upon my chest trying to calm myself down.  We gathered in a line. Elvira gave us a number. I was number 14. Five girls ahead of me. I tried to look for Ellie, but I couldn't find her. I could hear my heart beating in my ear.

"Get the heels on."

My hands shook as I took my shoes off, I placed them in the shoe box a couple of meters away from us guarded by another of the mothers. She had a board where she wrote down carefully who's shoes were theirs. I felt my body grew lighter, it was never a good sign. It felt like that moment you're about to go a thousand meters down from the top of a rollercoaster. 

"Number 14," They called me out. I walked out, my hand gripped in a fist as I walked out. My smile grew tighter as my chest pain grew stronger.  The air wasn't entering my lungs. My breath accelerated as I felt the light blinding me. I could see it, I could make all those mothers' judging eyes upon me. I could feel my mother's clear gaze upon me like an arrow crossing straight into my chest. My smile was too forced, I could see Elvira's eyes widen. No deeper breathing in could stop it,  it was too late. My chest moved furiously in sync with my breath, I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath. My mother's eyes widen in an emotion I couldn't read. The other mothers looked weird out. 

She's embarrassed. I'm ruining this. It's happening. Fuck. Make it stop, I begged my brain. Make it stop, please. Ellie jumped into the stage as she dragged me backstage. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I kept repeating as we exited backstage. 

I couldn't look at my mother, her words from past summers came like the clearest image I had ever seen in my life; "Stop this nonsense!" I remember it all too well, I could see the fierceness in her eyes, the tone of her voice, and the need of her to pull myself together...for her...for our family...this is why feelings are fatal. 

Hi guys! Hopefully this chapter helps understand a little bit why Carrisa keeps her feelings so hidden and is unable to share what she thinks and feels. Carrisa is a character who has  high anxiety and what this chapter portraits is a panic attack. This is why Carrisa keeps her feelings neutral, because she feels so deeply, she would rather shut them down. For me, personally, mental health is so important and I feel like Carissa's mental health situation opens both a window for awareness and empathy. It also helps us understand where the mother is coming from, like why they act such way, and why does Carissa need to repress so much emotion. 

 Hope you liked it! Tell me what you guys think of this chapter.