Alex's Nirvana

Alex

I stop by nirvana’s home quickly and leave behind a note in her room, its something I had to put out there. I looked over at her crowded side table and saw that she had started reading all the endless papers I gave her, I wonder what she thinks or what she will do to them. I quickly rummage through her desk until I find a pen, then I write down an extra note on the last page and leave before it gets too dark.
I reach the hospital with a bouquet of tulips in my arms; I get a sudden craving to smoke but I suppress the urge, instead I look in my jacket pocket and find the pack of cigarettes that never left. I pick them up and throw them in the trash can, I have made my choice and I know what I want now, there are no doubts clouding up my clustered mind anymore. In fact, I made my choice the second nirvana took the hit for me.
I climb up the stairs and make my way to nirvana’s room, I am almost there, I hope she’s awake and isn’t mad at me anymore.
I start to feel slightly light headed, like I might faint. It’s like that feeling you get when you are so exhausted to the point of insanity, the point where you want to do nothing but collapse and sleep on the floor, but I’m not tired. I did have a sleepless night, but after the car accident my body has been running on shock and adrenaline, perhaps I’ve run out of both.
The room starts spinning ever so slightly, like someone is shaking a camera slowly from left to right, vibrating it back and forth, and the results and images end up hazy. Soon enough, things start to become blurry and I can’t see straight or walk straight anymore.
What’s going on?
I see spots flash, multicolored floating spots in all shapes and sizes, in front of me. They are clearly figments of my imagination, I highly doubt there are colors randomly floating around in the air like that, but I see something real and something terrifying. I see the red drop fall down and land on my converse. I look down and watch as another droplet falls, then another, and another.
The metallic taste of blood hits my tongue without me noticing it; it’s so salty and kind of repulsive. I slowly lift my hand up to my nose and stare in horror at my bloody fingers.
I am so close to her room, so close but so far. I reach her very door and I see her right there, she sees me too, her head is slightly elevated because of the extremely plush pillows provided by mike and Melissa. Nirvana weakly smiles at me but I can see excitement in her exhausted eyes. How long was I in that field with the tulips? It must have been a while since I left when it was day and now its night.
I take one more step towards her, one last step, I ignore all the sensations that run through me and focus on her, a horrified look spreads across her face as she squints her eyes and notices the blood, nirvana raises her hand and tires to speak, to warn me or her parents, but no words come out, only a pained expression. Her troubled face happens to be the last thing I see.
Everything goes black and blank right before my head hit the ground and I waited for someone to notice me. It was peaceful, to just let go of it all and have an empty mind but it was hell because I felt paralyzed, like someone was literally holding me down.
I tried lifting my arms up or standing up but I just couldn’t, I was too busy trying to find the light in the empty void in my mind.
I don’t remember much after that, all I could see was nothing, and that’s all I still see.  As long as she’s not here, that’s all I’ll ever see. I see nothing and nothing becomes me.