Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

3
What do I do?
What do I say?
Where do I go?
How do I fix this?
How do I fix him?
How do I fix us?
Too many questions, not enough answers.
Was it all in my head? I don’t get any of this.
How can someone love you one day and then turn on you and hate you with a passion that emanates off of them and onto you?
I used to feel love; now all I feel is pain and an eternal cut that will never ever heal.
I still have Jonathon but I never wanted him.
Alex, it’s always been you, don’t you get it? There never was anyone else and I’m afraid no one will ever muster up to you or reach your impeccable standards.
You’re chaotic, you’re an asshole, you have ruined me in more than one, but you’re my pain, do you hear me, my love.
I can’t communicate with anyone anymore because you won’t communicate with me.
I see you walk past me every day at school and it hurts when you ignore me and don’t even look my way, acknowledging my existence.
I can’t even begin to explain that heart wrenching feeling I get when you pass me, that feeling when the person you love walks by you as if they never even knew you.
Your skin is turning paler and paler every single day, your eyes look like they have cried enough tears to drown you in. are you crying over me the same way I am crying over you, every single night?
Sometimes I see you holding a cigarette and it hurts to think that I was once your main addiction, that I was once wrapped around your fingers and controlled you, but I’m nothing now.
Did you quit me because I was a bad habit, or was I just killing you, slowly sucking the life and energy and soul out of you?
Can you not see what you are doing to me?
How is it you can’t see that you are slowly killing me?
I see you returning home late at night, you stumble onto your doorstep, fumble with your keys for an hour, and then you slam the door shut.
My heart doesn’t rest until I know you’re safe and sound in the protection of your own home.
I fear the day you don’t come home, the day I stay up all night waiting for you and I never sleep because you never slammed that door shut. I fear the day I have to hear that you died of intoxication.
The pessimism is eating me alive, like a parasite settled in my brain.
I was wrong, when your love brings more pain than pleasure, that’s not the time when you know you should leave; it’s the time you stay and fight.
Maybe I’m just delusional, I don’t even know anymore.
Do you hear me?  I don’t know.
Should I repeat? I do not know.
One last time, just to make sure you understand? I’m lost, you were my compass but you’re gone now and I just don’t know.
Will I ever know?
I think the question I should be asking here is did I ever know in general?
I don’t regret it, I mean sometimes I do, I’m talking about staying here, I don’t regret staying when I did, I only regretted letting him leave the first time.
I was hurt, I was suffocating, I was dying and crippling in the palm of his indecisive hands, but I ever left, not until he made me, but I believe staying or not is up to me, it always has been. He always  claimed that if I left it’d be easier because I’d  only hate him more if I stayed  but I didn’t want to leave, leaving him would mean hating him to get over him.
Walk away, just walk away. Those words resound in my mind so many times they became a permanent background noise that I stopped hearing at some point. Not once did I ever stop to question it and wonder if that voice was right, I trusted my gut instincts but look at where those got me.
I fucking love him, okay? I know you’re wondering how can somebody love someone that only pushes you away and the truth is, that’s why I love him, because he needs me the most right now, he always needed me but him pushing me away is him screaming for help but he’s so adamant on it and persistent. He’s almost got me fooled, almost.